JJ turned 20 months old today! It has been a sweet time watching him grow. We are thrilled that we seem to have the allergies under control enough with the air purifier and two supplements (Lymph and Soft Tissue) that he sleeps through the night most nights...FINALLY!!!!!!!!!! He is still iffy on naps. He is an odd child with so many things. Totally unlike any of the other 5. He is much more cuddly (he will actually bring me the Ergo carrier and hold it up so that I will wear him), yet more angry (will bite, scratch, and pinch when not being "heard") and he totally defies any attempt on routine for sleep, eating, etc. Those of you who have met him personally know that even at 20 months he is still very, very scared of people and will not go to anyone other than my husband, Beautiful, or myself. He has stayed with a sitter 2x total who did amazingly well and used the other kids as a distraction to its fullest extent:) He is finally playing in nursery...but there is still no way I can leave him there without me. We are OK with this - he is different than the other kids and his anxiety level is much higher than them. We will be patient with this part of who he is just like we were patient with the sleeping:)
20 months is also the age that Faith last saw her Tummy Mommy. I try to imagine the first 20 months of her life - she came to us at 23 months. I try to imagine her first 12 months of life going back and forth between her grandmother and her mother and unknown people. I try to imagine the next 8 months of her life living with another family who thought they would only have her and Superman for 1 month...waiting for the grandmother to return from overseas. I have snapshots of these months...being sat in a highchair for hours and hours. Not having a bed. Things her brother tells us about and that he remembers in vivid detail. The last view of her mother...being taken away in a police car... being taken to another home for another 3 months. She remembers nothing - how could she at 20 months? Her brother remembers details...lots of them. I ponder the blessing of her having no memories of those times. I ponder the blessing of him remembering. I ponder the grief she feels at having no memories of her birth family. I ponder the grief of him having memories...
20 months - JJ is always with us. He is always scared in new situations and we are always there to provide comfort. We will not allow him to be afraid. Is that over compensation for knowing what the others experienced when we could not be there to comfort them...and the many, many long term consequences for their many days of feeling fear, loss, unknowns, and no one advocating for them? Is it just responsible parenting in an attempt to teach him that without a doubt he is safe. Safe. Safe. Something the others don't deeply know...even now.
It is also a bitter sweet time to celebrate 20 months with our precious baby, knowing that 3 states away a mother sits and thinks about what it would feel like to hold her 24 lb baby boy. She knows she did the right thing, yet she grieves what she has lost. She tries to not think about it, focusing on the baby boy she will birth in 2 1/2 months.
In this journey of life and adoption there are 2 sides for every coin. I am so grateful for the blessings that God has poured out on us yet I realize that while still in this world there is also the shadow of sin that muddies all of the waters. One day all things will be made new. This is not our home and I wait in anticipation for the day when Jesus returns and rights all wrongs and wipes away every tear...
No comments:
Post a Comment