It has been a long 4 years. Most of the time we have felt like we were fumbling in the darkness or trying to tread water but mostly sinking under the water coming up to gasp for air. June marks 4 years since Grace became legally ours after the 20 month "unknowns" of a foster placement - she turned 2 the month before the adoption. It is also the month that Superman and Faith came to us as foster kids - the month they turned 3, and 2. 16 months later we officially adopted them (they never had visitation with bio family so they were always with us after placement). 8 months later we were agency approved for a domestic infant adoption and 2 months after that...we found out about JJ, traveled to get him, watched him be born, and had him home within 7 days.
I know many families who have added more children than we have. I know many who have added harder kids. I know many who have more kids the same age. But the past 4 years have been tough on us. Here is a glimpse into our journey.
Mostly, I have been deeply humbled by this experience. I have had to sort through my beliefs about myself, others, God, and faith. I have struggled with my own sin - mostly pride. I have had to rethink what the "main thing" is. Stress tends to bring all of the "yuck" of a person to the surface.
What I have probably learned more than anything else is that I cannot do it. Those of you who know me understand my Type A personality and that this would be deeply humbling to me. Growing up on a farm I learned to work hard. Growing up during the 1980's farm crisis as a farmer's daughter I learned what it was like to have little. I thrived in academics and, bolstered by competition with my younger brother who is WAY smarter than I, I sought to do my best. I laugh now that I wanted off of the farm so much that I chose a field the supposedly would give me a "9 - 5" job. Now I'm self-employed and home schooling a 1/2 dozen kids - there is no 9 - 5 lol!
It has been hard to ask for help and only very recently have I realized the necessity for this. I have thought about "how it takes a church family" to raise up our children. I am so deeply thankful for the individuals who have stepped up to be special friends for our children. In my pride I used to think I could be their everything...lol...not even close.
It has also been humbling for me to let others see what our children are like. I have felt pressure from "you are Christians, your children "should" behave." Or, "you are home schoolers, your children need more socialization and then they won't misbehave." Or, "you have too many kids and are not able to give them what they need so they misbehave." I have had to let go of my expectations of well mannered children and accept that their behavior belongs to them. My role is to discipline and guide - their job is to learn it and own it. At the end of life, I answer to God for teaching it...and they answer to God for learning it. I have also come to have much grace for others when I see their children not doing "whatever" like they "should"...and learned that I cannot expect that others will have that same grace for me...
Grieving the loss of dreams is hard. Realizing that my dreams were mine and I was not resting in God's perfect plan was crushingly humbling. I had always admired from afar when other adoptive parents were knowingly adopting "special needs" kids. I thought what they were doing was great...but I could never do it. God must have laughed at my plans and decided to remind me who was in control and by Whose strength all things were done when He blessed us with our kiddos. I am now in a more peaceful place of resting in Him as we seek to do what we can to give our kids the most we know how, and leaning on His grace that the children are perfectly created by a loving Creator. I have learned so much about the neurological effects of early trauma, prenatal insult, learning "differences," and their corresponding treatments...and lack of treatments. I have walked the line between appreciating a diagnosis so I can better tailor daily life to the needs/abilities of the child and yet remembering that the child is simply the child, not a diagnosis. However, this continues to be my biggest struggle to date...
I have learned when my body is telling me "it is TOOO MUCH!!!" Less than a year after we had 3 essentially same age children I herniated a disk. Bending over bottoms, tubs, sinks, beds, carseats, etc and carrying 3 toddlers took its toll on me. I did not know what it was at the time. I just knew that my lower back experienced much pain and my legs and feet were numb and had shooting pain a lot. It took over a year to get the diagnosis of a herniated disk. That was the beginning of July 2010. I had 6 weeks of 3x a week traction...then JJ came. The pain was utterly unbearable at that time. I dreaded going to bed as during the night the disk would swell and I could not roll over or even wake up without terrible pain. Often my husband would have to roll me over as I could not do it myself. I could not stand first thing in the morning...the pain was as horrid as childbirth. During the day I would get to a place where I could function. I could not vacuum, give baths, sweep, twist, carry groceries, etc. Never mind actually carrying a child, rocking in a rocking chair with a child (leaning back in a chair or sitting with my feet up was horrific), sit in a car comfortably, stand comfortably, walk for exercise, etc. When JJ came he would wake at night and my husband would have to get up with him and try to pacify him while I took 15 minutes to get out of bed and into a chair to feed him (JJ could not handle formula so I went through the process to breastfeed him - also meaning I could not take pain meds). While JJ was born at 5lbs 4 oz and his slow growth has been worrisome to us, we have seen God's hand in his slow growth coupling with my back getting stronger so that I could carry him. When he would born I could not even lift 10 lbs. JJ is a very clingy child and desires to be "worn" much. It has aided tremendously in bonding and I am now able to wear him (with limits) and he is just about at 25 lbs!!!
Other ways I have learned that my body is over taxed:
back pain, forgetting words (biggest one), exhaustion, irritability, unable to hold 2 thoughts together (laugh, but I could not logically play cards for awhile and am thrilled that I can now think well enough to play well again lol!). Some days I just don't have the motivation to do anything.
Ways I cope:
I let myself not do anything (for a very infrequent day), knowing that I will be more efficient on the days where I have energy and motivation. I even let myself nap when necessary (not every often). The baby just started sleeping through the night a month ago so between the pain from my back and his not sleeping through the night it had been years since I had slept through the night. I'm trying to learn how to do it again:) I make sure that my work week is M and T. I may work 12 hour days on M and T, but I keep it there. I have to say 'no" to a lot of ministry and fun things. My friendships have significantly dwindled. I don't know what is going on in the world. I don't feel guilty for it, knowing this is my season of life to raise up children. I walk with my husband as many times a week as possible - it is the only uninterrupted time we get! I have allowed my house to be far more cluttered than would have ever been acceptable in the past. Every now and again I attempt to find the horizontal surfaces where things get stacked and put up high away from baby's reach. The floors stay pretty well cleared and cleaned:) I absolutely plan nothing for Sundays. I need that day as my "clutch." That is how the Lord intended it, right? So sometimes I feel bad that we don't invite someone over for lunch after church, etc. But I know that I have to protect that day if I am going to be able to recharge myself to get through the week.
I talk with people about being a coffee pot - we just keep pouring out into others but need to be refilled or we will not be effective in filling them. I also think about a car with a manual transmission (I learned to drive on one:) One needs to push in the clutch and disengage the motor. I think often of my "clutch" time - how to know when the RPM's are too high and when I just need to disengage. I think that the turning point for me finally starting to feel like I was not drowning occurred when our family went to Mexico a few months ago. It was a total time of disengagement and it has yielded much fruit for me despite some people not understanding why we would leave 2 of our children here when we were on a "family" vacation.
Aside from pushing in the "clutch," I have decided that grace for others is necessary for my sanity. Other people just simply do not understand. I could not possibly understand if I were not living it. So, when we are told that we are bad parents for leaving our children home during a vacation, or that we need to discipline a child more and she wouldn't act that way, or we need to be less strict, or we just need to let the baby cry it out in nursery or to sleep through the night, or whatever else we have heard over the past 4 years - I just need to smile to myself that once I was in their legalistic shoes and now I need to just wait for God to work on their hearts like He has worked on mine (not that I don't still struggle with a host of legalistic issues).
After trying a host of options to help the needs of our kids we are seeing some progress. JJ now sleeps through the night most nights at 20 months. He has not been on an antibiotic for 3 months and has gained weight for 2 consecutive months. He is eating and developing nicely. Grace is calmer and more focused. We are beginning to consistently see the sweet and caring girl that she is. Superman is making progress in the classroom and learning to use his words to express his many fears. Faith is finding her voice to tell us what is on her heart. Buddy is making progress being an almost 12 y/o boy and all of the fun of that age lol! Beautiful is quickly moving toward an independent life.
I have said yes to a couple of extras and we will see how they go. I'm teaching Sunday School again this summer. I will continue to teach "song time" for the elementary in the church. I obviously continue to work and all that is involved in that. I am determined to deeply purge and organize this house this summer to have a solid standing going into next school year. My husband and I are trying to get away by ourselves more (3x total since JJ has come home lol!). I feel like I can more intentionally plan for the day, week, month, year rather than just being happy to survive the day. We believe we are done adding to our family so now we are looking forward to what we are to do to raise up these blessings that have been entrusted to us to know Him, love Him, obey Him, trust Him, serve Him, and live for Him.
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