My experience at Women of Faith

This is another one of my "crawl around inside of my head and see what God is doing in my heart as I get uncomfortably vulnerable and honest, and hope that you find the way back out because I am...me;)" posts!

I have been trying to put words on this weekend's experience at Women of Faith, but mostly I am just coming up with "wow."  It was so timely.  It was so needed.  It was great the God met me there and really did follow through with the theme of this year's conference: From Survival to Revival.

It seems that life has been getting heavier and heavier and I really am just in survival mode- and barely doing that.  While my job is a blessing, it is a draining job and lately things have been getting heavier in addition to me working more.  Grappling with my theology on tough tough issues with marriage, suicide, etc has been hard.  I was used to working 2 12 hours days, then home schooling for 3 days and having the weekend to catch up/relax/find my brain/whatever.  I have learned that I need days totally uncommitted to other things in order to be able to keep treading water (survive).

I have added an extra day to my work week during this season.  Yes, I know what you are thinking.  Waaaa. Stop fussing about it.  If I only to work 3 days a week and could still support my family I wouldn't be complaining!  You are 100% right.  I try to see it that way.  But trying to still do all of the home schooling (my husband does a HUGE chunk of it, but with my daughter in college classes this year it has put a much larger burden on me than before) and being a wife and being a mom to 6 kids with special "stuff" and, and, and...  gets me really weary.  I absolutely could not do what I do without a husband who is 100% invested in home schooling, doing most of the home schooling and daily stuff with the kids because I am at work, and being a wonderful husband who lets me be overwhelmed and just loves me in the midst of it.  But, he gets weary too...  Just yesterday he said that we need to go on a vacation - he just wants to go somewhere with trees and outdoors.  That is my hunter man lol!

My last post about the surprisingly emotional reaction I had at receiving a bouquet of flowers was really the start of me figuring out that I seriously need to be asking people for help - and that experience (yes, odd experiences teach me the most obvious of things) taught me a bit about what I actually need so that I know what to ask for.

With almost all of our kids having IEPs (have qualifying learning disabilities.  I don't talk about this much due to the stigma that I feel on myself and my kids.  But it is a very heavy weight and burden on us) being a home school mom is hard.  On the one hand I am able to modify their lessons.  However, now having my oldest being on her way out the door to college I am realizing that she won't always have those modifications.  I have been more worried about my kids actually learning the material than just being able to test well or regurgitate information in the "acceptable format."  But, this was not a good approach if they will eventually need to take tests and write papers in the standardized way.  My daughter's college courses (helping her stay focused, organized, ON TIME, etc) has been a major, major, major source of stress for me this semester.  I have lost much sleep over it (and I have already shared how little I sleep anyway!)  6 - 7 hours is a good night sleep.  I don't function well with 5.

Then there is the whole boundary crossing issue of being the "heavy" and requiring right answers, timely work, and...gasp...and actual understanding of concepts coupled with being the encouraging, accepting, unconditionally loving mother who's children are bonded and attached.  Sometimes that works well.  Sometimes...not so much.

So, last week at the meeting at the school about a couple of the kids we increased our kids' time there and the breadth of what they will be doing with them.  I am hoping that our relationship with those 2 kids will improve without 2+ hours a day of fighting, crying, and pulling out of hair over math:)  I needed help, I asked, and God was gracious to provide.

I have a couple of other people I want to ask to help me with various parts of this process.  I am hoping that they say yes.  I just can't do it by myself anymore.  I have finally been humbled enough to ask for help.

Which brings me to what God' taught me at Women of Faith this weekend.  First of all, my husband's mother's mom died last week.  That has brought on a whole HOST of issues.  My mother in law did not handle it well.  Her physical and mental state has been severely declining of late.  My husband is so overwhelmed with dealing with her.  We  tried to find a way to get her to the funeral but it just was not going to work with all of her issues.  So, between him spending lots of time a day visiting his mom and fielding crazy phone calls, and home schooling the kids, and trying to keep me sane it has been very tough on him.  So, first I thought that I wouldn't get to attend the conference due to the funeral-but he decided that we were just not going to be able to make it work (and he needed to be here with his mom as she is so unstable right now).  Then I was so exhausted and overwhelmed from the week (well, really the last 8 years lol!) that I really didn't even want to go.  We had just had testing on JJ that morning for his language issues (he doesn't speak well AT ALL) and I was overwhelmed with the amount of work it will take to get him speaking.  Satan sure tried to prevent me from going.

But, I went (because I spent a lot of money and didn't want to lose it lol!  And I knew if I just went it would be a blessing).  And I am so glad that I went!

A total side blessing was the awesome alone time I got to have with Beautiful.  Almost 3 hours a day for 2 days alone with her in the car to talk.  I haven't spent time with her like that for over 8 years!  We had such a wonderful time connecting and talking about her future (and my fears about her future).

See, I am consumed with fear.  I have so many fears about how each of my kids are going to turn it out is ridiculous.  I have fears that I am messing them all up.  I have fears that I have not taught them what they need to know to be successful.  Does anyone else have those fears when their oldest is about to take the leap to independence?!?  That you have not prepared that child or any of them sufficiently?  I am impatient that they are not learning "it" quickly enough.  If they don't learn "_____________" then they will not succeed and I will have ruined them if only I had done more "____________" then it would all be OK and "______________."
 blah, blah, blah.

It is quite overwhelming, discouraging, and ridiculous.

This weekend the speakers were fabulous.  The worship was amazing. And the Spirit was present.  Our group was over 70 women in a sea of thousands.  I was totally surprised and blessed that a cousin of mine was there.  The cousin we saw at Life Light.  I should have known that she would be where God was being worshiped;)  She is such a blessing to me even though I rarely get to see her.

Since I have never been to Women of Faith my expectations were totally turned on their head when they started with a comedienne the first night and not dry doctrine.  She was a total riot.  I soooooo needed that!

Then the first speaker, Sheila Walsh, spoke.  That was a convicting talk.  I will be buying her books.

Nichole Nordeman sang.  That was a beautiful way to end the evening.  Not high energy.  Just intentional, deep worship.

Saturday rocked me.  While all of the speakers were great, I was really moved by 2.  Christine Caine and Matthew West.  I did enjoy hearing Lysa Terkuerst speak.  She had written an article 8ish years ago about adopting 2 boys from Liberia.  I had read it and it had sparked our journey to adopt from Liberia.  She had very encouraging things to say:)

Matthew West is obviously a singer and not a speaker.  However, he talked about how he came to write the songs from his latest album.  It is a very fascinating story but I won't write about it here.  He had written the song, "Hello, My Name Is ____________" and talked about it's origins.  Then he asked us to think of a way that we tend to "name" ourselves that is a lie.  Regret?  Shame?  Anonymous? etc.  I stopped to pray about it and thought that I would probably label myself as "fearful" and "impatient."  However, and I am getting all emotional just thinking about it again - as I stood there I felt that God was pushing another word in...

Hopeless...

And he was gently chastising my crushing feelings of hopelessness as if to say, "Hey!  We just went through this a year ago!  You said that you learned then to TRUST me, and now you have lost your hope?  What is up that that?!?"

It is so true though.  I feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness that my kids will overcome the "yuck" of their learning disabilities, their prenatal and genetic influences, my poor parenting, their life experiences, not having family nearby, not having_______________, not doing ______________, not being ______________.

Most of the time I feel like I beat my head against the wall and try and try and try...but do I really have hope that it will be ok?  Am I really trusting God for the outcome like I would give lip service to?

Yep.  God had it right.  I have succumbed to hopeless, and thus I am weary and overwhelmed because I really believe that I am just working and working and working but all it amounts to is treading water and it will all amount to NOTHING...

Then, coupled with what Christine Caine taught powerfully on using 1 Kings 17.  She talked about God uses an...
      Unlikely place, with an
      Unlikely person, with an
      Unlikely strategy, to have an
      Unlikely outcome

In the town that the evil and hated Jezebel was from
2 poor people who were preparing their very last food so they could eat it and then die
were asked to give a portion of that food to Elijah
so that God would then provide unlimited flour and oil (provision/life) until it again rained

Great story!  God provides at the 11th hour!  But the story doesn't end there!

The son gets sick and.... dies?!?!?!!?

Christine talked about that as "our Miracle needing a Miracle."  That God clearly provided the 1st miracle, but then ....what????  why did God allow her son to live just to let him die?"

I completely and totally resonated with this concept.  I think of our adoptions and I think of how miraculous they were.  That we were allowed to adopt any of them with all of the legal wrangling, birth family issues, paperwork, etc is a clear, clear, clear testimony to my husband and I that God's fingerprints are ALL OVER our adoptions.  We did not complete those adoptions.  God did.  They were not of our flesh.  They were of God.

So, if they were of God, why is this so hard?  Why don't we seem to be making progress?  Why don't we seem to be helping them?  blah, blah blah.  Lie, lie, lie.

However, I hadn't really thought of it the way she had talked about it.

I was hopeless.  We had a miracle in the adoptions but they have been so difficult that I had lost hope.  I felt like I was not the right one for the job (like God made a mistake!).  I had lost my purpose and my way.  I realized that I, like the widow woman, need a miracle for the miracle of the adoptions.

But after this weekend...my hope and my direction is restored:)

 I will need to keep reminding myself of the Truth, but I do think that enough of a theological shift occurred, thanks to the Spirit, that it will stick.  Just like when I finally shifted my understanding from faith to trust last year.  This year he has shifted trust to hope.  That constant sanctification process that we are on.  I am sure there will be many more "shifts."  I have a looooooong way to go.

Which reminds me of another issue that God has been working in my heart.  This weekend he confirmed and wrapped it up with a nice bow:)

A few weeks ago a friend posted about the song "bless the Lord oh my soul."  I really, really, really needed that song that week.  It was a dark, dark week for me.  Then, several days later in church the pastor preached on...are you ready?  Psalm 103!!!  I was in the pew thinking, "you have got to be kidding me!"  Two days later I was visiting with someone who kept saying they wanted to talk about a Psalm with me.  I finally pulled out their Bible and read it with them and it was...you guessed it...Psalm 103.  Now, I admit to being pretty dense and it takes awhile to hear God speaking to me.  But this time I got it - 3 times in a week?  Clearly God wants me to pay attention.  So, I am working on memorizing it.

But, just for fun because He is God, Psalm 103 was talked about this weekend.  Since I don't really like to memorize I thought, "Ok God, if you really really want me to pay attention to Psalm 103, have someone talk about it at the conference."  Of all of the scripture in the Bible, what are the odds?

Yep, I told you I am a bit dense.

So, when it was mentioned again yesterday I submitted and said, "OK, clearly you want me to really get this."  The gist of Lysa's message was "I will steer where I stare," "don't get distracted on the way to my destiny," and "God's grace is sufficient - God is good, and God is good at being God!"  Obviously I need to be staring at "Bless the Lord, Oh My Soul."  Keep my eyes fixed on Him.  Have Faith, Trust Him, and place my Hope in Him for all of my tomorrows (and my today).

It was a great conference.  I already bought tickets for next year.  I am very sad that this was my first conference and next year is the last year of Women of Faith.  But I am sure that God will provide other opportunities for me to be sanctified...

In unlikely places
with an unlikely person
with an unlikely strategy
with an unlikely outcome:)