My thoughts are all a jumbled mess this week so this will be pretty short. This is the week that if I wouldn't have made a commitment to stay intentional about processing this journey I would have just gone on with doing life and not tried to make sense of it. So...this post will be a jumbled mess just like my brain...
1) Grace is engaging in most of the behaviors there like she did at home (aside from the physical aggression). On the one hand it is validating that she is doing this for others and not just us. On the other hand it is sad that she is willing to engage in those behaviors even while the stakes are so high and she is in a super structured environment. She does fine on our daily phone calls as long as we let her do all of the talking about her day. If I ask her what she is learning, how she is applying it, or what we are doing here (tonight I said we were going to the other kids' concert so we couldn't talk later) she gets upset. Tonight she started yelling at me while on the phone and got a consequence by the staff who supervise the phone calls. At first it surprised me as it was the way she always talks to me. Then I reminded myself that so much of what we have "normalized" over the years just to survive is so very not normal...
2) I started the week with fear that has morphed into anger which has morphed into anger/resignation. When people have asked us how we are doing early in the week I became emotional. Yesterday when people asked I realized afterward that I gave very angry responses about how we are currently doing. So I am trying to figure that out.
3) My husband and I are not on the same page about what comes next for Grace. Next Wednesday we have a Team Meeting with all of the people who make the decisions about her treatment and hopefully that will help us to have better wisdom and direction for our family.
4) Home life has been increasing in chaos:( JJ has been having nightmares about us all dying and leaving him abandoned and alone. That has increased his emotion dysregulation and decreased his ability to sleep through the night without coming to us, which is decreasing my sleep. Although I have been struggling with sleep anyway. Thankfully when I woke my husband up the other night at 1:30 a.m. and told him that I couldn't sleep he did not get upset with me - I am so thankful for him:)
5) Superman and Faith have been increasingly irresponsible in the follow through of most of their responsibilities. Upon examining this change my husband and I are realizing that before Grace left we had to be physically in the room with them at all times thus supervising and micromanaging their behavior and time. With Grace gone we intentionally backed off of that and told the kids they were now responsible for their own time, chores, homework, etc. They seem to have little idea how to do that - or just don't want to- and it is very frustrating. I will say that they did not used to be able to ride the bus due to Grace not being able to handle it. Superman gets a ride in early every morning to lifting and he has been able to do that in a timely manner. Now Faith is getting herself to the bus every morning and has yet to miss it. I guess that is a positive:)
6) I am working about 1/3 more hours than usual - that and our time we need to spend with Grace for appts/visits is really disrupting my "normal" schedule and making me a bit crazy as I try to adjust and be efficient with my time while also trying to spend intentional time with the kids (and grandkids) we still have here.
7) We got to go to lunch after church with a dear family Sunday. It was so relaxing and nice!! I got to go to a volleyball game with a friend last week and sit and talk without feeling guilty my husband was home dealing with drama or having to be on guard watching a kid at the game. Today I got to go to the coffee shop and chat after school hours. Next week I am going to the coffee shop with a friend. I am actually getting to...spend time with non-family members lol!!!!
So, that is it bullet point style. A jumbled mess. Life is easier, different but easier. We all still really like not having to worry about the issues from before. Life is calmer overall, but it doesn't mean that everything is unicorns and rainbows;)
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