Many of you know that the last weeks (years) have been stressful for us. We found out 2 weeks ago that my husband's mother needed her other leg amputated. That surgery happened this past Wednesday. She was discharged the day after, then admitted the local hospital the same day after she spiked a fever. She has pneumonia. Thankfully she is responding to treatment.
This post is to try to see the lighter side of this situation. I recognize that I am further removed from it than my husband since it is my mother in law and not my mother. I mean no disrespect to my husband by anything I say here and he knows that and has read this before I posted it:)
My husband is grieving the loss of his "mom" as her dementia progresses. It is hard to see her like this. However, I am also trying to get him to laugh a little...or at least roll his eyes! His mother is too!
Two weeks ago a staff person at the nursing home brought to our attention that my MIL is telling people that my husband has divorced me, has married a woman named Natalie, and they have a daughter together. I did not know about this but noticed that my MIL was a little standoffish while I was in her pre-op appointment with her. Apparently after the staff took her back to the nursing home she told that staff person, "my ex-daughter in law was in my appointment." That staff person told the RN who thankfully had been warned by my husband of the issue and set her straight. I will admit that at the time I had irrational frustration with my MIL (I know she can't help it), but now I can laugh about it. My husband went to her to ask her what she was thinking and she pointed her finger in his face (if you know my MIL you know that she is very meek and mild and pointing her finger in someone's face is aggressive for her) and "reminded" him that he had come in their drunk and told her that story. Since my husband doesn't drink, and hasn't divorced me, and certainly doesn't have a 7th child, we just try to remind her of the truth. I had to laugh at my husband though and remind him that with me as a wife and already having 6 kids he certainly doesn't need the stress of another wife and child lol!
Thursday, when she returned to the nursing home from the hospital where she had surgery, she had a fever and was feeling yucky. We sat with her while the PA-C assessed her and stayed on until the ambulance came to transport her to the local hospital. She really wanted to be held so we carefully moved her to a sitting position so my husband could hold her. Her hair was horribly tangled (they must not have done anything with it at that hospital) so I took a long time to brush it out and braid it for her. It was a sweet time.
At the hospital that night we just sat and held her hands while she drifted between alertness (and much, much confusion) and sleeping. The next morning she remembered that and said she wished that we had stayed there all night to hold her hand as she had a lot of pain.
The next morning we got to the hospital to visit and they were getting ready to bathe her. We stayed a bit and told her we would come back later but I would braid her hair again when I got back. When we returned she was sleeping so I was sitting in a chair when she woke up. After awhile I got up and asked her if I could braid her hair. She paused, then said "(my name) is going to brush it when she gets back." I reminded her that it was me. She smiled and let me braid her hair again. She leaned forward and my husband held her again (without either of her legs obviously we were worried she would tip forward). She really was needing a lot of physical reassurance. When I was 1/2 done she looked at the chair I had been sitting in, then at my husband and said, "where is (me)?" My husband reminded her that I was in the process of braiding her hair. She was embarrassed with her confusion but I tried to lighten it up by saying that I was glad she didn't know I was still working on her hair as my girls usually scream when I fix their hair, so I must have been being gentle:) It was sweet that she remembered that I was going to braid her hair and that I got to help in a small way to care for her.
She was pretty confused about things and we had to repeat information to her a lot, but some things she was remembering.
Saturday morning the xrays and labs show that her pneumonia is improving for which we are pleased. However, because of the pain she has, she is on more pain meds and now a little more...loopy...than usual. She is more alert and awake, but she is substituting all kinds of funny words so her sentences and what she is trying to communicate is coming out all goofy. She is laughing at times and we are talking about memories, etc. But I would be lying if I didn't say it is funny to hear some of her sentences. However, a big part of this is just the dementia. It was hard to talk with her and know that she will not improve.
She can't remember why she is in the hospital - she initially thought she was in an accident and does remember that I told her it wasn't because of an accident. However, she can't seem to remember that it is for pneumonia and NOT to pull at her IV and she needs to comply with the nebulizer treatments.
At one point she grabbed both sides of the railing of the bed and shook them while making a frustrated/comical face about wanting out. It was like a lightning bolt to me that it looked just like her oldest son. It was also the same face that I see in my husband occasionally and tell him every time, "you look like your brother when you do that...stop it!" Now I can see that it is actually his mother's facial expression:)
She was very ornery and sarcastic during last night's visit. At one point she was mixing up sentences so bad and so fidgety that my husband just stared at her while trying to make sense of what she was saying. She finally said sternly in frustration with him, "you are supposed to laugh at your mother!"
She is the oldest of 8 siblings and her siblings all have...strong personalities. Ornery, never backing down from the opportunity to tease someone even if it is not the best time to do it, stubborn, and sarcastic would be some adjectives I would use to describe some of them (particularly some of the brothers). Tonight was the first time in 22 years that I saw my mother in law share those characteristics and it struck me as very funny. My husband said it was exactly what he remembers his grandmother being like.
So, overall, it is sad, depressing, and the reality of the not to distant future with her is evident with the progression of her dementia and physical health (diabetes, bed sores, etc) even though her acute medical issue is improving. On the other hand, I am choosing (as my oldest keeps berating me about this problem of mine) I need to enjoy the current moment and quit worrying about the next one:) I will remember the sweetness of her letting me brush and braid her hair, her sometimes not remembering my name but how wonderful it was for her to remember for several hours the promise I had made that morning, and the love of a mother and son as they hold each other and draw comfort from that unique relationship.
So, a lighter side to an otherwise tough situation. We are seeking to find the laughter...because the alternative it just too hard.
No comments:
Post a Comment