Flowers and Vulnerability

My husband and I have a standing agreement: he is never to get me flowers.  My husband is a gift person.  He loves to give me flowers. Well, he used to give me flowers. But then I told him not to bother - either buy me a plant that is alive or some other practical gift, but don't buy me something that is already dead.  It is a waste of money.

So, today when someone gave me flowers it shook up the natural order of things in our house...
because..

I cried.

What????

I pride myself on being practical.  Yeah, yeah, yeah...I notice the danger with that word pride.  I grew up in a home where there was very little praise.  Mostly anything was praise that simply was the absence of  telling me to something faster, or better, or more, or something.  I really only got praise for one area in my life (and that praise was infrequent but it was praise) and that was for my academic ability.  So, I went with it and had my doctorate degree at age 25.

Anyway, I love Gary Chapman's concept of Love Languages.  I recommend it for almost all people that I see.  If you have not heard of it, I highly, highly, highly recommend reading his book.

His idea that a person has a "love tank" that, like a fuel tank, needs to be filled with the correct kind of fuel for that vehicle is one that is very helpful when we think of how we seek to "love" on other and how we feel "love" in return.

The 5 Languages are: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, and Acts of Service.

We already know where I stand on Gifts.

I am an Acts of Service person through and through.  At least that is what I thought.   A few months ago my husband and I took one of the online quizzes for fun to find out what we matched up to be.  I was not surprised to find that I am Acts of Service, but I was shocked to find just how high my Quality Time and Words of Affirmation scores were.  After all, I have NO quality time to spend with anyone except my family - and I hardly ever call it quality time since it seems to all be "don't," "stop," "do this," "why didn't you do this," and "why in the WORLD would you EVER do THAT?!?!?!"

Additionally, I have thought of Words of Affirmation as being weak.  After all, if I have done a good job I know it.  I don't need someone to give me a pat on the back.  If I have done a bad job, I also know it and I surely don't like it when someone point that out!

What I haven't really thought about before though is how much I actually do need Words of Affirmation.  I won't let myself accept that because it places me in a position I really, really dislike...vulnerability.    I have spent most of my life pulling myself up by my bootstraps.  God has spent a lot of time reminding me that I desperately need him and he does not think my "works" are worth a hoot.  He wants my heart.  He wants me.  But, I often forget that lesson and get wrapped back up in what I can count on...my own service (yes, you can laugh at my foolishness).

The problem with that is that I am empty.  Plum empty.  I have poured myself out into my Acts of Service and I have got nothing left.  I am struggling to refuel.  I find that most of what I think about are complaints.  So, I escape into my books where the world turns out perfect with no conflicts.  But, that is so incredibly not reality.  So, I keep asking myself what I need to do get filled back up.  I worship.  I read my Bible.  I meditate on the truths about and of God.  What is my problem?

Today God took a small gift (don't think that I miss the irony) and broke the issue wide open for me.

Today some parents sent me flowers to say "thank you."  I cried.  Then my husband looked at me like I had 7 heads and said, "What is up with that?!?!  You liked getting flowers?!?!?!  You never like it when I get you flowers?!?!?!"

I realized that it was not the flowers, but it was the message...I was being appreciated.

Getting flowers today was such a touching gift.  It really opened some scars for me and made me think about things differently.  It also made me remember the times when others have given me small tokens of appreciation (a couple of ladies in particular have given me balloons and cards over the years) and I still remember those gifts so incredibly fondly and am still deeply touched by their time for that small act.  In fact, I assumed when I saw the flowers today that they were from one of them lol!

So I will ponder this newly discovered need of mine.  I will try to open myself up to more vulnerability and tell people what I need from them.  Even if it is fresh cut flowers;)