Three and a half weeks went well....then...

The last 2 weeks have been steadily worse. We are at times back to as bad as it was before. Every day is back to an experience in venom and ugliness. We tried to figure out what had changed and deal with those issues. The only two real issues were Faith and Superman starting school with her (and Faith getting into trouble her first day of school that really sent Grace in a tailspin worrying what everyone was thinking of her, having a sister who did what she did) and sleep. It seems that the mornings she wakes up on her own before us she has much worse days than when she sleeps well and we have to wake her.

Anyway, Faith has not gotten into any more trouble (to our knowledge) and we have been trying all kinds of things for sleep.

Bunny Trail: I bought a special melatonin and other stuff spray that is supposed to help with sleep. Grace will even ask for it since it seems to help her. I am using it on JJ too. It seems to help him sleep through the night, although not necessarily fall asleep any faster. I decided to try it on myself as well since I am sleeping worse with the stress of Grace's backtracking and JJ now in our room every night (on his own cot - but that story is too long to go into here). Anyway, I was waking in the morning wondering if I had actually even slept at all. But with this spray I seem to be sleeping more soundly and feeling more rested when I do use it. I am happy with it so far:)

So...

After trying on our own to figure out what is going on and not being able to fix it we contacted the APRN. She increased the dose of the medication as we clearly are not at therapeutic levels yet. Her first increased dose will be tonight.

Praying it works!

Now that we know that it can be better, it is both a blessing to know that medication can help significantly and a fear experience that the situation could go back to where it was.

I CANNOT live the way that it was. The kids were all getting anxious again. The stress levels in the house were getting worse. Even Superman was finally just looking at her and telling her to knock it off - usually he will just take her verbal abuse. It is hard to think that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and see it fade to darkness again. I was starting to lose the fragile connection I was developing with Faith again. So now I keep her up after Grace has gone to bed and spend time watching a favorite show together. Faith doesn't talk (she will write to me, but not talk about anything real) so snuggling and watching our show together will hopefully help to bridge the gap. That is also when JJ started having trouble sleeping again (and he got sick) and he was coming to our room again every night claiming he was having nightmares. (Hence our getting the cot - he is now too big to be in our bed!) I only got the spray I referred to above since she has gotten worse so I hope that when he transitions back to his room again the spray will help him sleep through the night in there ;)

BUT - we have hope that it will be better. The medication helped once, hopefully it will help again. I am a bit afraid that we will have to increase the meds every month, but I was assured that we would not have to do that;)

The next big change in our family...

Grace continues to do very well. We have had some situations where I have worried that things were going to explode like they used to, but even the 2 worst of those incidents she calmed down within 15 minutes and the rest of the day was not overshadowed by it. It has, by far, been the most relaxing and enjoyable 3 weeks of our family's life out of the past decade. I feel like I am beating a dead horse when I keep saying that it is so utterly and completely different than it ever was before.

Beautiful makes comments that it feels like we are a family again. She was 9 when Grace came and remembers what life was like..."before." Buddy asks "is this was a real family is like?" He was 6 when she came and doesn't remember much of what it was like "before." He has been adamant that he will not have children given how difficult things are in our home. However, I have caught him saying "when I have kids" a couple of times in the last couple of weeks...and I am sure to give him a hard time about it lol!

Even the times when all 10 of us have been here together, with a newborn fussy baby in the mix, it is nothing like it was. NOTHING. As scary as it is to consider the future, I am just focusing and relishing that today is good.

Things are so good that my husband took the 4 youngest, BY HIMSELF, to Star Wars and shopping. I had 7 hours (SEVEN HOURS!!!) to myself to clean. I got some closets deep cleaned and threw away a lot of junk. I have more closets to do but I feel like I can finally do some of these projects without a crisis every 90 seconds that requires my visual supervision.

In short it doesn't feel like I still have a house of toddlers anymore.

We have also been doing a bunch of family activities that we would have never considered before. Before Christmas we went out as a family to a movie (we went to A LOT of movies this vacation lol!), shopping, pizza, and Christmas lights. Another time we left the youngest 3 with a babysitter while we took Buddy and Superman to a movie.

Can I just bunny trail for a moment and say that the freedom we feel to actually leave her with a babysitter and not dread and feel guilt for the burden we are placing on a baby sitter is mind blowing. To leave and not have to worry every second that she is making someone else's life miserable? Peaceful:)

Anyway, I have been working about half of my normal work schedule these two weeks. Yesterday my husband brought the girls with him and dropped me at work, then went to get some shopping done. After they picked me up we went out to eat. At a sit down restaurant. Getting done at 7 o'clock which we used to think of as the witching hour. The hour that if Grace wasn't in bed by then the world ended. Yet, she was giggling, fun, and had zero behavior problems.

I don't wake up in the morning dreading my first exposure to her of the day that used to involve a major conflict in the first 15 minutes. I don't dread bedtime anymore that used to be an hour of locked horns battling.

We just have...peace.

My whole body feels relaxed. The house feels relaxed. Everyone in the family gets along so much better. Calmer. More respectful and quicker to forgive slights and think the best of one another. Of course it is not perfect, but compared to what we have been living for a decade? Pretty close to perfection.

The girls even get along and are...get this...allowed to actually play together unsupervised. Without over the top conflict. Now the conflict is normal 11 year old girl conflict.

Even JJ is better. I think he has only acted out to the point of having to be restrained once since her med change - and that was in the first few days. He has had a few tempter tantrums, but after taking away video games and physically guiding him to his bedroom to calm down he does calm down and re-engages well. I had worried that he has DMDD too, but at this point I think that he just watched Grace's behavior and thought that was how he was supposed to act to get what he wanted. I would say that his acting out is at about 30% of what it was. And he used to be able to throw a temper tantrum just as vicious as Grace could...

We are all trying to figure out the "new normal" and learn to respond to the actual situation and not what we fear the situation will evolve into. It takes a bit but by this time we are doing a pretty good job of it.

I cannot stress enough that if any of you have a child who has behavior like we have dealt with, please talk to your primary care practitioner or contact a mental health professional. Do not live with what we have lived with if you don't have to! For your sake, and for your child's sake.


Anyway, in my original post about the realities of the situation with both of our younger daughters. While things have been so much better with Grace, things really came to a head with Faith. So, after a lot of prayer and years of struggling with what to do with her increasingly rebellious behavior, we decided to have her switch schools.

It is something we said we would never do, for many reasons, but starting tomorrow she (and for ease for our family, Superman), will be starting at the local public school. We don't know how it will go but feel that it is the next necessary step in getting her the help that she needs - or hold her accountable for her behavior. Whichever the situation warrants...

And, next Monday?  Next Monday Buddy starts college. 

So, now we have one child graduated, married, with a precious 7 week old.

One child in college (he officially graduates high school in May, but his home school time is done and he will be taking a full credit load at the college).

3 children at the public school - in the same grade no less!  There are 2 sections of their grade. Superman and Grace will be in one section and Faith is in a different section. We asked them to please keep the girls separated and they were gracious to do so. Superman was thankful to be in Grace's class. I was a little surprised given...well...the last 10 years and that he has always been Faith's protector. But he just said that he was tired of being Faith's keeper. I am sad for him. He wants to believe the best in everyone and is always the first to give up what he wants for someone else. It kills him that his sister makes poor choices that hurt others and herself. Anyway, I am thankful for how they are split up.

And...1 child still home schooled. In 1st grade. Uff Da...we have a lot of years of school ahead of us lol!

A Week to Remember!

10 days and counting with no rages!!

TEN DAYS!!!

That has never happened.

The day Grace started the new medication was 10 days ago and she has been doing so well. I catch myself having the oddest thoughts. Like Monday night when I got home from work and knew she was just heading to bed. Bedtime has been a terror for everyone in the house. But when I pulled the car into the garage and was readying myself to go into the house I noticed something that I had not noticed for a very, very long time...I did not dread coming home. My body was relaxed, I was optimistic and not just gritting my teeth to get through it. It felt like I think everyone should feel when they come home - excited to see their family.

Last night when she had WAY over sugared herself eating all kinds of junk at school it would normally have been a time that the whole family went on lockdown just waiting for the explosion. Watching her jump over couches, her talking and behavior just too fast, etc. used to make us all figure out how to get her contained before the rage hit. But, when we told her it was not a good idea for her to go to Awana while she was so hyper (we had considered letting her have a try at it again) she asked why but did not rage at being told no. She went to bed on time and there was no drama at all!

In fact, she hasn't raged at being told no in 10 days. Normally, any kind of limits set by us are met with extreme behavior. No matter how ridiculous her request was or how carefully we try to set the limit.

All of us are trying to figure out the "new normal." We are all just watching and waiting. The thing is, that the tension in this house as we all walked on eggshells all of the time anticipating what the next trigger would be that would lead to chaos has been lessened. Significantly. Now we watch and wait...but it is almost to just reassure ourselves that she ISN'T going to rage. I would say that the tension level in the house has gone from a 10 to a 3.

Peace. In this house. Who knew?!?!?

If you suspect that a family member of yours possibly has bipolar-like behavior - get it checked out! Medication really makes a huge difference!!!

I have wondered since she was 2 if she has bipolar disorder. However, the ADHD stimulant medication helped during the day and the behavior was constant, not cyclical. So I dismissed the possibility. In researching DMDD since then, I have learned that one of the treatments is stimulants. That explains why she would be better during the day, but of course, because it is a stimulant, it can't be given 24/7 so we still had to deal with times the medications were not in her blood stream.

Saturday was probably the biggest test for me seeing if her behavior the previous 3 days was just a fluke (sometimes she would hold it together for several days if she didn't have any limits or boundaries placed on her). My husband had to take Superman to an all day basketball tournament. I had told the kids the night before to stay in bed as I had hoped to actually get some sleep. Between JJ's nightmares and my worries about the girls' behavior I hadn't been sleeping well. Also, it usually takes me some time alone on Saturday mornings to just get myself in the head space to even deal with the angry, chaotic, venomous, vile behavior that starts within minutes of my first interaction with her during the day. 

My husband came back into the bedroom at 7:30 to say goodbye. He looked like he was scared to say to me, "I am so sorry but all of the kids are awake, even JJ." I just sighed and said, "ok, I think it will be ok." I showered quick and got my head ready to deal with the girls. Whenever we shower we have to have the girls separated in their rooms with alarms on their doors or who knows what kind of trouble they will get into. I got them upstairs for breakfast.

No drama. I was shocked. I watched them eat their entire breakfast and Grace didn't yell at anyone for anything.

Then, Grace walked behind where Faith was sitting at the table. She bumped Faith in the head with her arm. Normally that would have been an explosion. Grace would have been screaming at Faith for purposely leaning back and running into Grace and it would have been a mess ending in Grace going to her room for a long time to calm down. I can't even remember the last Saturday when Grace made it the first hour of the day without being sent back to her room to calm down - leaving the rest of us angry and frustrated and out of sorts.

But...Grace just turned toward Faith and said "oh! Sorry!" and went to her chair.

I stood there. Jaw dropped. And cried.

Grace does not accept responsibility for hurting others (even accidentally) and she does not initiate an apology. It is ALWAYS someone else's fault.  I thought, "9 a.m. and no drama yet! Wow!"

I decided to play Christmas music since I had planned to be baking with the girls a good chunk of the day. That may not sound like a big deal to you, but in this house we haven't played music for years and years. Music means more noise. More chaos. More voices for Grace to just yell over the top of. More stimulation. So we don't play music. I thought I would see how it went and it was great!

After breakfast I thought I would test it a little further and allow the girls to go downstairs without supervision to do their chores while I was making Lefse. Faith was cleaning the bathroom and Grace and 2 loads of laundry to sort and fold (she is an excellent clothes folder - not so great with sorting, but she folds clothes great!). I heard a yell over the music and thought "here we go:( " I flipped the lefse and ran downstairs. I heard Faith laughing and Grace saying "its your turn." No screaming. No tattling. No blaming. No venom. I came around the corner and Faith said, "did you hear Grace?" I said that I did, expecting to now hear some tattling. But then they both laughed and said they were having a "singing competition" while they were doing their chores (both of them were actually making progress on their chores! Shocking in and of itself lol!) and that yell was Grace's song.

Huh.

So I went back to my lefse and they finished up their chores (and did well!) then sat down to occupy themselves. Grace did her latchhook for awhile then asked to paint. Normally there is no way, NO WAY I ever let Grace have paint. But I thought I would see how it went and - it went well!

After awhile Beautiful and her husband dropped off Bella for me to babysit  so they could finish Christmas shopping (2nd time I have gotten to babysit in 5 weeks!!). JJ had been playing his video game time during that time and he was told his time was up - also no drama. Bella slept another 2 hours while I finished Lefse. Then she woke and I let the kids take turns holding her while I worked with the other kids making Puppy Chow and Granola. It all went well.

I think I was tearing up every 15 minutes as I just stood there and contemplated how utterly different the day was going than every other Saturday in 11 years. I was considering what life could have been like if we had diagnosed her earlier. I was worried that it wouldn't last. I was wondering what her future will be like with the statistics that I know about this disorder. Then I forced myself to just exist in the present and enjoy the gift of today being trauma free.

We watched a movie together all cuddled up on the couch. (Silver Bells is a sweet Christmas movie about the Salvation Army). Grace did get a little frustrated that Bella fussed every time Grace held her, but handled it ok. Beautiful and her husband got back and we decided to order pizza, have a fire, and watch another Christmas movie.

I reminded the kids that today, with no drama every 90 seconds, I was able to actually get a ton done so there was time for fun. We rarely have down time together because I am constantly sending someone to their room for fighting, or telling them 100 times to get their chores done, or whatever chaos is happening at the moment.

But it was just...calm...

Sunday Superman and Faith had their school program and we actually let Grace come with us. Normally she would be left home with very specific instructions to Buddy on what she could and couldn't do and his eyes had to be on her constantly unless she was in her room, etc. But, we thought we would see if she could handle a high stimulation situation without getting over-stimulated...and it went well too! Monday she was given news she didn't want to hear and cried for 30 minutes, but she did not fly into a rage like she would have before. I just cannot believe the difference!!!!!

I wanted to be sure to blog about this. I don't want to forget this week. I don't want to forget this weekend and forget what a difference is happening right now. I don't want to forget the blessing that we are experiencing right now. Everyone is calmer. Everyone is happier. We haven't had any other emotional chaos on the home. We have had another major decision we have had to make that is changing our lives, but that is for another blog post...

We still have a long road ahead of us, but I am so thankful for a diagnoses and a treatment plan.

I am so thankful for hope:) God has been present with us throughout this journey and I am trusting His timing and sovereignty in this situation.

Nightmares and Migraines

Last night someone had asked me about my headaches and what I had done to help them. It occurred to me that I haven't had one in months. I used to get migraines frequently. I changed food, hydration, supplements, massages, chiropractic adjustments, and all kinds of things to stop the headaches. I also noticed that they were worse during allergy season. I don't get typical seasonal allergy symptoms at all, but the migraines were much more frequent. Tylenol didn't touch them, but if I took an Aleve Cold and Sinus it was gone in hours instead of days. Odd (what about me isn't odd?!?!) Anyway, I was doing pretty good for awhile but I have one starting this morning and am reminded what the biggest culprit for me is..

not enough sleep.

JJ was sleeping so good for about 6 weeks after we got the hot tub. He would get in it every evening and it was helping him with falling asleep and sleeping through the night almost every night. It think he only got up 3 times in 6 weeks. I had such refreshing sleep, no headaches, and loved it.

Of all of the sleep problems that we have dealt with with him, now it is nightmares. He used to just come into our bed, cling to me for safety, and fall right back asleep. However, now he is having nightmares many times a week, and at least once a week they are apparently so scary that he comes to our bed, sits up, and refuses to fall back to sleep. This morning it was 3:30. Thankfully I have learned that I can do the "dual attention stimulation" that is used for EMDR and can have him back to sleep within 30 minutes. If I don't he will literally stay up the rest of the night asking when it will be light out so he can get out of bed. Nightmares are such an enigma to treat. He used to beg me to pray every night that the nightmares would stay away, but now tells me not to because "it doesn't work." I am sad for him.

I thought maybe he was just claiming having a nightmare as an excuse to come to me at night, since I was really insisting that he choose to stay in his own bed all night. So when he would come in I would say "if you need me come and get me, you don't have to claim to have a nightmare to come and get me." But the way he comes in with his body shaking, clinging to me, and refusing to fall back asleep? I don't think he is faking it.

As my Dad always says, "if it isn't one thing, it is another!"

So, in other news. Grace has been great this week. She has not had a meltdown since Monday. That is the longest ever! She admits that she feels happy. She actually smiled yesterday before school and giggled once. I felt so much relief yesterday that there wasn't this horrible oppressive "yuck" of her behavior (or anticipating her behavior) that I did a bunch of cooking and made plans to do some fun Christmas cooking with the girls tomorrow while my husband takes Superman to an all day basketball tournament far away. Normally I would be dreading such an experience, but I am actually looking forward to it!

What a huge difference a week makes! I thank God for the psych nurse and for this medication. The medication does make Grace have a tummyache - but hopefully that will end soon. I am using peppermint on her stomach to help with that. When the psych nurses' LPN called me last week to verify the appointment I had said to her, "we are hoping for miracles!" She responded with, "we will pray for miracles!" I was encouraged by her comment to someone she had never talked to before. Then, yesterday I had to talk to her about insurance. I told her things were going well and how thankful that I was for them. She said, "we will keep praying and praying for Grace. You guys have been through a lot." What a sweet reminder that God has placed His people all around us to help us - even where least expected:)

I will have the kids alone all day tomorrow due to Superman's basketball tournament. I see that as a test of how it can go. Normally I dread those days and retreat into myself to shore up and prepare for chaos and venom. But I am hopeful that it may actually be an enjoyable day with some relationship building:)

It would be better if I was well rested for the experience... hopefully JJ doesn't have any nightmares tonight!

A diagnosis and a plan...

Yesterday we had the appointment with the Pediatric Nurse Practitioner who specializes in pediatric mental health. She was wonderful. She took the time to really hear our concerns and asked very relevant questions. I felt like she was present with us in the room and not just trying to get to her next appointment. She spent a whole hour with us.

She agreed with the diagnosis of ADHD (obviously). She also talked about RAD. As completely weird as that sounds it made me hurt to hear her verbalize that. But she also talked about another diagnosis that, as odd that this sounds, gave me relief.

She believed us. As scary as this diagnosis could be, it was huge validation that we are not just raising a difficult kid, it is not our fault that she is acting this way, and we are not making a big deal out of nothing. It is something. It is a big something.

In the mental health field there is a book that has been revised many times called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). It is what we use to diagnose mental health conditions. It is controversial and many many mental health professionals all want their research to be used or to prove that their viewpoint is better than someone elses. The current revision is the DSM-5. A lot of people are unhappy with this revision, but one good change (in my opinion) was the expansion of the Bipolar Disorder category. It used to be that "everyone" was diagnosed ADHD. Then "everyone" was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. A lot of people felt they were "garbage can" diagnoses for what didn't fit elsewhere. The DSM-5 revision expanded created a new category that I am much more comfortable with for those kids who don't meet full criteria for bipolar disorder, but also have behavior that is "more" than "just" ADHD.

Behavior that is exactly what we deal with in this house.

Tucked away in some research that I read about it, it says that:


"The SMD group had very high rates (≥85%) of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and oppositional-defiant disorder (ODD) over the lifetime"


SMD (Severe Mood Dysregulation) is just the name the research group put on it, it isn't the name of the actual diagnosis as it is currently listed in the DSM-5. But it clearly captures that kids in this category also have a very high likelihood of having the symptoms of ADHD and ODD too, like Grace does. Some researchers argue that it isn't actually any different than "just ADHD and ODD" and therefore there should not actually a new category. But obviously enough argued that it is enough different that it was included in the revision.

Unfortunately, because DMDD is such a new category (only several years old), there isn't a ton of research about it. Especially research on successful treatments. But she was started on a new med and that med has been around for a long time with good clinical trials and results. It remains to be seen if it helps this disorder well or not.

But at the end of the day, I am thankful for a clinician who took the time to hear us. I am thankful that the clinician is hopeful that the medication can mediate the extreme mood swings and constant irritability that she has. I am thankful that there is a medication at all that can be an option other than "just live with it." I am thankful that yesterday, this morning, and tonight's bedtime Grace did well, even with a lot of situations that were outside of her control and routine. She starts therapy on Thursday. We shall see how that goes. It will be very, very weird for me to be on the "other" side of the counseling table lol!
*******

Yesterday we had a pretty good day together, just the 4 of us. Since we had to drive a couple of hours to the appointment we stopped at the Cabela's there and my husband got to pick up some items he had ordered. I played the shooting game with the kids;) Then after the appointment we went to Red Lobster as JJ wanted "big shrimp." He has been asking for "big shrimp" for a few weeks. I cannot believe how much he likes shrimp lol! Grace tried a bite...then spit it out lol! 

We rushed home to get to Grace's Christmas concert for school. We had some items we had to get at Walmart. JJ had a tantrum leaving the store (due to the rushing) and we didn't have time to deal with it due to the rush so it got hairy (I am more than a little scared that many of JJ's behaviors are just like Grace's - except he clearly does not have ADHD. I really hope he doesn't have DMDD too...). I got Grace there 45 minutes before the concert like I was supposed to, and waited in the car until closer to the concert to go inside. She came out crying and said that since she missed school they would not let her participate in the concert. She was hysterical. Hysterical. I was livid. How in the world can taking a child to a psychiatrist office mean they can't participate in a school concert? This appointment was a big factor in whether or not the child even remain in our home and still attend the school. How was it that when we told the school she would be gone, that when the teachers all handed her the slip with her homework on it since she would be missing a day, that NOT A SINGLE PERSON told us that she couldn't attend the concert? We had the option of this appointment or one in February, so obviously we were going to take the first appointment available (who looks at a calendar to see if their kid has a school concert when making psychiatric appointments?!?!). It was a total reminder of why we started homeschooling in the first place (opposed to a school board decision when Beautiful was to start kindergarten...) But, if we would have known ahead of time we wouldn't have rushed home (and would have avoided JJ's meltdown. I was shocked I didn't have to carry him out of the store - only my fear that security would have thought I was stealing him kept me from doing it - at least as he was chasing me and hitting me they knew he was coming willingly...) and would have avoided Grace's meltdown. Ha. Meltdown. Their tantrums are soooo much bigger than a "meltdown."  Anyway. It is over now. Done venting. We will be better prepared next time.

Deep Breath...

However, amazingly, I got her calmed down within 30 minutes and held her while we drank hot chocolate and watched a movie together. Half way through the movie she said "this is better than the concert"  lol! She went to bed (with her new meds) later than usual but didn't have any problems. This morning she actually said, "I am in a good mood." She was surprised that she felt good - and I was elated at a drama free morning!!! She also had a good bedtime tonight. 2 consecutive mornings and bedtimes is as rare as a unicorn. The meds should take full effect within 2 weeks - just in time for Christmas break. Praise God!!!!!

Thanks again for the support and prayers. They are tangibly felt and MUCH appreciated!!

Respite....Sweet, Sweet Respite

I have been overwhelmed with the support and encouragement from my last post. I was so afraid to post it and the response was so much more than I could have imagined. Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I cried many tears of relief over your messages to me.

Last night a very sacrificial friend texted me and asked me if she could take the girls today. There is no way that I wanted to let her do that. I don't want anyone else to have to deal with what we deal with, or watch every single behavior for lies, theft, etc. I didn't want the girls to feel rewarded for their behavior either. Especially since just yesterday Faith stole our itouch (a long broken one, but she didn't know that) and took it to school. My husband discovered it when it fell out of her pocket in the parking lot after school. Grrrrr.  I still haven't found my itouch that has been missing since April. I know she can't be using it as it would show up on the Circle, but I hate that I can't trust her when she says she doesn't have it. 

Anyway...

My friend insisted, saying that we needed it. My husband and I prayed about it and slept on it, and this morning decided to let them go. We needed the break.

I spent 3 hours this morning with them going through a workbook on looking at sin issues in their life like unforgiveness, bitterness, rebellion, etc. Then the girls left for 5 hours. Superman was given the option to go with and play with our friend's son (a friend of our son) or an afternoon without his sisters.

He chose an afternoon without his sisters...

My husband decided to take the opportunity to take him basketball shoe shopping (will this kid stop growing?!?!?! He is only 12 with a size 10.5 shoe!!!!)

That left me alone with Buddy and JJ.  Sweet, sweet respite. I couldn't decide if I should be productive or do nothing. I opted to do nothing. JJ and I watched a funny movie. That was about it. Sat in a dark house with only Christmas lights on and just soaked in quiet. Even Buddy emerged from his room and hung out with us commenting on the peacefulness of the house.

About half way through the time I realized how relaxed my body was. No tension. Just having them gone and not having to be on edge for the next crisis every 90 seconds was such amazing relief. I hate asking for help. I hate accepting help because I absolutely do not want to be a burden on anyone. But I am so glad that my friend insisted that I say yes.

I was so refreshed that when JJ asked to make chocolate chip cookies I said yes! I had enough physical and mental energy to undertaking baking with him. That doesn't happen often enough and normally would never happen on a weekend when I haven't been able to get a break from the girls.

And...I ate oranges and chocolate chip cookies for supper. Because I could;)

I have successfully made it through another day. One I am far less stressed at at the end of than usual. Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers.

And a huge thanks to my friend who took the girls. There are not words to thank her enough:)

Being Very Very Real About our Parenting Struggles...

I have written this post 6 different times over the past 2 months. At first I was so angry at what was going on but didn't want to write a post about anger - so I waited. Then I re-wrote it but I was despairing and it seemed to come across as whining - so I waited. Then I posted again from a place of helplessness - but again didn't want to come across as complaining. Then I felt like we were in a slightly better place so I thought I would try again. But now it is bad again. I guess I want people to know that if they have a hard home life, they are not alone. But I also want our friends to know that we are not ignoring them out of just having better things to do. We miss your friendship. We miss spending time with you. But supervising and parenting our kids is necessary during this season as we face making difficult decisions.

I have wanted to become a Psychologist since I was 7. I didn't know the name of it but I knew what I wanted to become. However, as a teenager I became aware of domestic violence and the difficulty that women have in leaving their abusers. That they blame themselves, they think that the abuser is acting better or said they are sorry so will be better next time, and they don't think their situation would really be better if they left. I almost decided not to become a Psychologist when I learned about these dynamics because I didn't think I could have the patience to work with someone who chose to stay in the dysfunction.

Now I understand. Of course the dynamic is different between same age partners compared to parents and children, but many of the cycles are the same.

I share today not to humiliate my children. Grace's grandparent's have stopped having any contact with her because  (they say) that I was too open and honest about Grace's behavior. So I have hidden the realities of our life from most people since that time and grieved that Grace lost that connection with her grandparents because of my desire to be real with people.  But today I choose to share anyway because I want to be authentic and real (even though I am extremely uncomfortable being vulnerable like this). Parenting is hard. Parenting kids from hard places is traumatic, exhausting, and leaves me feeling like I know nothing. All of the training, conferences, coursework, and degrees that I have do not make this any easier to cope with and do not help me find answers to make any of this better.

It has also left us very isolated. There are some people we are real with, but most people don't understand why we never invite them over, don't pursue time out with them (after all, our kids are no longer nursing or toddlers or even young, so why in the world can't we leave to go get coffee, etc??), why when we are in public we can't just relax and enjoy a conversation because we have to constantly know where our children are at, who they are with, or what they are doing. Why Grace has to be in bed by 7 p.m. or else the world may end. We have even had to make the decision that she can't attend Awana because she gets home too late and is too wound up leading to huge emotional meltdowns those nights and the next morning. Even if we have been real with people I don't think anyone can really understand what it is like to be in our home.

For example, on Wednesday we had a day that was out of routine. To make a long story short (be glad that you aren't reading version 5 of this post lol!) JJ triggered and for the next 4 hours Buddy and I had to restrain, calm, and modulate JJ to get him back to regulated emotions. This used to happen 5 times day. Now it happens maybe twice a month. Better...but still unpredictable and exhausting - not to mention very time consuming.

Our daughters are our biggest source of anxiety at this time. They are both very different in their behaviors but they are both very destructive. We have to patch holes in walls and ceilings. We have to repurchase broken items. We have to closely monitor for stealing. We have to verify every piece of information due to lying. We have to protect other kids from violence. We have to restrict behavior, highly structure activities, and have cameras in our home to make sure that we know exactly what is happening in our home. All of that pales in comparison to the vicious venom that one of our daughters spew that is like a millions shards of glass exploding into all present. It is by far the worst part of all of it.

I find that I am like the domestic violence victim. I blame myself. "If only" is a game I often play in my head. I beat myself up that I am not good enough and am not the right mom for them. Version 5 of the post has a long list of all of the ways I feel inadequate, but I don't need to bore you with my ramblings...  Then I see good behavior for a few hours or a couple of days and I think we finally turned a real corner. Or they apologize and promise it will never happen again.

Things are getting so out of control that we have considered that maybe we are not the best placement for them and they need to go somewhere else and get additional help. We have had professionals advise us to do so.

That absolutely kills me and adds to my feeling that I am doing the "Mom" thing wrong.

Then I ask myself what is their culpability in this? With the trauma they experienced before adoption and the neurological issues they have no control over, what are the realistic expectations I can have of them? I don't know! I go back and forth with what I "should" be able to expect from them. I can't believe that I "should" not be able to expect that my child won't threaten me with the police or physical violence. I "should" be able to expect that my other children don't have to worry about physical harm to them or listen to absolute rageful venom coming out of her mouth. Telling your sibling that s/he doesn't belong and we don't really love him/her, we just put up with them? Seriously??!! That undid months of trust building work.

On the other hand, the trauma that the rest of us go through because of not only the behavior of the girls (and JJ to a lesser degree) but the lack of peace on our home, the fun experiences we have to forgo because we can't trust the girls in that setting, or the trauma of trying experiences to have it be a horrible outcome is overwhelming. What are we doing to the other kids by having them stay in a setting like this? My oldest son is a Senior and I absolutely grieve at what we have missed out on over the past 10 years with him because of these issues!

When I was advised by two professionals that it is time for Grace to go to a more structured setting. I wanted to vent and rail and say "no! some new intervention can happen first! We can hold out a little longer! I don't want her to feel rejected and abandoned!!"

But, how long do we wait? If we wait too long she will be too close to the age of majority and we won't have any options left and will have failed her by not pursuing a higher level of intervention sooner.

But if she leaves that makes me feel like I have given up on her. It will scare the other kids that we will "get rid of" them too. There is just no right answer.

My years of working in Corrections and foster care taught me that the system is very broken. I don't trust it to have the girls' and our family's best interest in heart. It is very hard for me to look to that broken system and hope that it will help. Yet, I don't know what else to do at this point. Professionals telling me Grace needs to be out of the home for now. The Sheriff telling me I need to pursue "Uncontrollable Juvenile" papers.

A month ago I sat the 4 youngest down and talked to them about what was happening. I explained that we have done everything we can for the girls but they won't choose different behavior, so maybe they need a higher level of care than we can give them. Maybe they need to live elsewhere for a time. I told them that I have decided that I have to trust God with their future and if their behavior continues I will start the process of letting other authorities decide what is best for them (call the police and let whatever happens next happen) and trust God to navigate that system for them - in an attempt for Him to get their attention and draw them to Him. It was an extremely emotional conversation for me to have with them and the boys cuddled up to me to comfort me. That was humbling.

However, when the conversation was over I asked them each what they thought. While Grace just said she will stop (she says that when she is not raging, but it doesn't stop the next one from happening) Faith took that conversation as me saying I was giving up on her and was very wounded by it. JJ said he doesn't want anyone to leave. Then Superman spoke up and emotionally said that he has already lost his whole family and doesn't think that he can handle losing more sisters.

That slayed me.  Slayed me.

I don't know what to do! I month ago (before the conversation I just wrote about) Grace was raging against us and pushed Superman, I stepped in to protect Superman. We have to protect the kids from her. Thankfully she is so much smaller than the rest of the kids - so far. But we can't always be present. What about the times we are not present? That happens too often when we can't step in to protect. However, there is no protection from her words. They are like a million shards of glass that spray out to harm all who can hear her.

She never does this for others. When I think of her culpability it hurts to know that she only does this around us. Like it is personal against us. She never ever has problems at school. She doesn't act out for the few people we have let her spend time with (only adults). It is only at home. That hurts! One Saturday a couple of months ago she was TERRIBLE! Way over and above her normal behavior. Around 4 in the afternoon I was trying to figure out what in the world was wrong and realized that I had gotten her up that morning and not my husband so we were out of routine. My husband's routine is to give her her medications - and I DIDN'T!!  There was no doubt that her behavior is substantially helped by the medication. She is on the meds during school time. They don't take effect until she leaves for school and they wear off by supper. Mornings and evenings are a nightmare. So, what does that do with culpability? But our other kids have a right to live in a house where we are not hurt by her verbally or physically, don't they??!?!?! The answer is likely "both." She has some of the behavior due to her neurological issues and some she chooses. How do we know which is which and therefore how to intervene successfully??!?!?!

Argggg. Again, helpless and frustrated.

Lost. Afraid of the future. Afraid for the girls' future. Afraid for the other 4 kids. For the grandbaby.

I am tired of being afraid...I am tired of being torn in 2 and not knowing what direction I am to take.

I have a job where many emotional topics are brought up. I don't cry when other's are crying. I can keep my emotions under wraps. The day Grace went after Superman I cried 3 times. At work. I was a mess.

Some people may say that I shouldn't hang our "dirty laundry" out publicly. However, I think there is more damage when people try to pretend to be something they are not. We don't have it all together. Our family is not perfect. I am not perfect. We are hurting. We are confused. I am not hopeless because I know that I can trust God with whatever the outcome is here, but I sure am not liking the process...

I also want people to know that we are not ignoring them! Our life is really wrapped up in containing kids right now. We feel like prison wardens that require a 24/7 detailed watch of our kids. And they still figure out ways to do ridiculous things. That kind of commitment doesn't allow for any fostering of friendships. I am so thankful that my husband, as the stay at home dad, gets to go hunting at least once a week. He has his friends through hunting and gets to get out of the house. I try to allow for those opportunities for him as much as my schedule allows. He is in the thick of it constantly. At least I get to leave for work.

We have an appointment set up in a week with a psychiatric nurse to look at med changes for Grace and setting up counseling with a therapist I trust. That gives me some hope. Maybe unrealistic hope...but hope none-the-less. Since our talk a month ago I would say that the frequency of behaviors is about 1/2 (but the venomous intensity is still just as horrible when it does happen). We write down the behavior daily so we can take it to the appointment. So maybe things will get better. Maybe not. I don't have any answers at this time. Right now I feel like I am just gaining documentation from other professionals so that when it comes time to have to make different living arrangements for them that I have a paper trail of everything that we have tried so we can justify to an insurance company why one or both of the girls need a therapeutic residential placement somewhere. Then I feel like a terrible mother for even thinking that.

I don't trust that the kids will choose to change. I don't trust that I know how to intervene or that a different intervention will even make a difference. But I do trust that God has this situation covered, has a reason for it, and has a plan. Even if it is His will that nothing changes for the next 50 years, I do trust Him. That is all that gets me through each day...and it is enough:)