Stay-cation: The Highlights

This was the last year for all 3 of the Middles to attend Royal Family Kids Camp. My husband and I debated and debated if I would take the week off of work and if we would do something special. I felt very guilty about taking time off of work. Being self-employed means that I am never really "off duty." Being self-employed in my field with me being the only employee means that I really am on call 24/7. My job is important to me and I am reluctant to not be available. However, at the last minute I did decide to take the week off. It helped that Monday was a federal holiday so it messed up my work schedule anyway:)

We went back and forth on what to do. Originally I had wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise. However, not only did I not get to my goal weight for our agreement on when we could go on the cruise, my husband feels that the kids are too young to go that far away yet:(  Then we talked about taking a couple of days to go fishing a couple of hours away and stay in a cabin. Buddy did not want to go anywhere overnight so we considered going with just JJ. Then we decided to just stay home and take a day trip. It is not like we ever get to have respite from the kiddos. We don't have grandparents/family nearby so it was a big deal to think about the possibilities with the kids gone. In the end, it was nice to just be home:)

The day before the kiddos left we did some fun things together including going for a walk to the cemetery. The flags were all up and we had good discussions about the meaning of Memorial Day, thinking about the soldiers and families who have sacrificed for our freedoms, etc. Of course, having 3 kids on bikes for a mile each way (Faith and I walked) when the street was busier than usual with others going to the cemetery about gave me a heart attack, but we all got home safely (thanks to drivers who were paying attention). We ordered pizza for supper and got packed up.

Monday morning I fed the Middles and my husband took them to the drop off site for camp. Then he continued on the Menards (see why I did not go with?  lol!!)  The van gave him trouble and then sat in a shop for the next 3 days and cost us the money we saved by not going to a cabin for a couple of days...  I told my husband it is time for a new van - a 15 passenger this time to accommodate all of the junk we haul on trips. He is not on board😛

I spent the day doing deep cleaning of closets and other areas of the house. I have misplaced my itouch and really hoped to find it. I never did 😡. It was so quiet in the house. JJ played by himself well and it left me to be productive.

Tuesday - the times of the day that I dislike the most are when the kids wake up and bedtime. If you have a child with ADHD in your house you will understand. When they wake up in the morning (which is early) there are no medications in their body. They are wired. Waking up to slamming doors and other kids yelling "get out of my room!" is not the best way to start the day. We had 4 glorious mornings of no conflict. I got to sleep in until 8 or 9 each morning. I didn't dread the morning. It was good:) Tuesday I kept trying to keep the pace of Monday but my family started to give me grief about my grandiose plans and telling me that I was on vacation - so I should relax. It rubbed me a bit wrong but I gave up by evening and just went with it. I cannot even begin to express to you how wonderful it was to not have bedtime insanity for 4 days. Again, ADHD medications are no longer working by bedtime which makes the lack of self-control of emotions and impulsivity really frustrating. The day time can usually go pretty well - ADHD medications are a wonderful wonderful invention. But they haven't made any yet that work 24/7 as they are stimulants and if they were in therapeutic levels in the blood stream 24/7 the person would not sleep. Which is already an issue anyway.

Ok, moving on. When we reflected on the week my husband and I both agreed that the best part of the week was no fighting upon waking or bedtime. Hear that for what it is...

Tuesday night the 6 of us went to pizza and a movie. It was a very nice time:)

Wednesday 4 of us (it was so fun to spend time with Beautiful this week!) got up and drove 2 hours to an art museum. We had never been to one before so thought it would be nice to get it off of our bucket list while we had 3 less children to worry about breaking things. As it turned out, it was a good thing they weren't there as I got to see first hand about the debate of "is it art or is it porn?" JJ has not let us forget his impressions of the museum - it being the first thing he told his siblings about when they got in the van after camp and him now referring to it as "the naked place."   We have decided, as a family, that we must not understand art and have no interest in checking out another art museum...  We also went to Cabelas (to make the other 3 adults happy;) I stayed in the car (the van was in the shop so we were squished into the car) with JJ (because we had to carry him out of the museum during a temper tantrum - unfortunately it wasn't the first time we have had to do that and won't be the last - and I was not going into another public setting with him until he calmed down). After a long time we finally went in. My husband had gone in for 1 large purchase. When I got in there he was finishing the transaction. I was handed the receipt to fold it up...and realized that he actually made two large purchases.  All I could do at that point was laugh. He put up with the museum. I got to put up with the purchases;) It is a good thing that Cabelas is so far away that we rarely go there lol!

Thursday I decided that I was going to...do nothing. I did force myself to a couple of hours of paperwork, but the rest of the time I just engaged in my most favorite past time of all - reading. I read 3 or 4 books that day. I really, really like to read:)  That night I got a phone call out of the blue from the prior foster parents of Superman and Faith. They were attending a softball game for one of their adopted daughters and wanted to see if they could see the kids. They haven't seen them for a long time. Maybe 6 years? So I went down to see them with pictures of the kids, and we made plans to get together later this summer so the kids can see them again. Superman and Faith were only with them for 3 months but they actually remember them and think of them as special people. It is hard for them when JJ gets to have written contact with his birth mom, and Grace used to go visit her grandparents. Since Superman and Faith will never get to have contact with their bio family this foster family is their "before" family to them so we try to stay in touch with Christmas letters, etc.

Friday - I stayed up until 2 Thursday night reading knowing that I wouldn't be able to do it again for a long time lol! Then we slept until 8 (I only ever get 6 hours of sleep so that was normal) and trying to finish up paperwork and odds and ends before the kiddos came back.

When we picked them up Faith came out of the cabin and started sobbing so hard she couldn't speak. I got her in the van then Grace came out clearly having cried but able to talk. Then Superman came out with a smile. Apparently the girls had such a great time they did not want to leave their friends (and Superman handles emotion better than the girls - but he was sad too). It is so special for them to have people totally devoted to them for a week (there is 1 leader for 2 kids) and the entire time being just fun with no chores or responsibilities. It is hard to leave that. I love what Royal Family Kids Camp stands for and how they are run. We are considering sending JJ next year. Superman and Grace aged out of the program this year and next year only Faith and JJ are eligible. It is a great program and I know it is hard for them to come back to reality (doesn't everyone have a hard time coming back from vacation?). However, we braced for the transition and it went really well. The kids got along, we got all of their things sorted and washed and put away, and we were surprised by how well it was going. But... let me just say that the bedtime was about 100x worse than usual.

But that is reality. And we are back to that now...stay-cation is over;)

Next post? We have implemented "Summer Boot Camp!"

Shopping...With JJ. Oh the Joys;)

Just a small peak into my reality. If you ever see me out shopping? Please don't judge, and please give me grace;)

Friday morning JJ had speech therapy. We were out of a bunch of important food/household items so had gone back and forth over the past couple of days on if we should get them at Walmart 20 minutes away or go to Sam's Club 1 hour away. We decided on Sams. Superman and Faith got done with school on Wednesday, so we left Superman home with Buddy. He was thrilled to get to spend the day reading and relaxing (although several of his friends ended up popping over for fun). I personally think he was the most happy that I wasn't home to tell him to do any more cleaning like Thursday's big cleaning day lol!  Anyway, we took Faith with us and after Speech Therapy we headed to the town with Sam's Club.

JJ doesn't do the greatest with car rides. Thursday night he looked at me with surprise on  his face and said, "I haven't thrown up in forever!" Well, 2 blocks from the restaurant he informed me he was going to throw up (usually he doesn't get car sick after about 10 a.m., but he has now twice in the past month - but has not the vomiting after eating so that is a plus. I don't think I will ever get this kid figured out!)... I had a bag ready since that is our reality and that got done. We threw the bag away in the restaurant's dumpster and headed inside to Carlos O'Kelly's.

JJ loved that he got to eat unlimited chips and salsa and chowed it down. Then he wanted tacos, but didn't like them when they came. He did, however, like the shrimp on my husband's fajitas and ate.them.all. Then he started in on my husband's beef and chicken. My husband had to hurry up and eat so JJ didn't eat it all lol! Faith and I shared chicken fajitas and she ate JJ's taco. Goofy kid.

Then we made a quick trip to Menards. Faith and I tried to keep JJ occupied while my husband got what was on his list. He was done at the agreed upon time - that must have been a first lol! Once he found us I found other items to throw into the cart and we headed to the check out (I love that Menards now sells cereal!) and Faith was excited to find a discounted a movie:)  We got to the front and I learned something else new. I am usually the one who "gets" to watch the children while my husband pays (and shops). I have the children taken to the vehicle and buckled in before he ever gets done paying and to the van. So today I was in the checkout line just waiting with him while trying to keep JJ in one place and he made a comment to me, "it would be helpful if you bagged the items." I stood there looking at the Menards set up and realized...that I have never ever been in the Menards check out. I have always had to take the kids out before that part of the process so did not realize he had to get the items both out of the cart while simultaneously bagging the ones already checked lol! It took me a few minutes to figure out why the process felt so awkward to me - I wonder if, in maybe another 10 years, if I will get to relinquish the role of child watching and rushing to the vehicle lol! I think it will be a stretch for me to actually enjoy shopping through. Right now all I do is flit my eyes from kid to kid to kid with a lot of "don't touch that" "get back here" "stop bothering your siblings" thrown in;)

We left Menards and headed to Walmart. We had 3 things on the list (THREE!!). We made a plan and I told my husband where we were heading. He didn't show up. Then he called and said he was waiting for me up front. We booked it up front and...he wasn't there lol! I finally found him and we got out of there.

Then...we got to Sam's Club. We had a list there too. However, JJ had hit his limit. My husband took off to get the items on the list. I was trying to just browse with the 2 kids. The problem with browsing to keep kids occupied? JJ saw something he actually wanted and would not return to me. Faith and I had to head down 2 different isles to corner him. My husband wasn't answering his phone to tell me where he was or to come help me.We got him wrangled, found my husband, and I got JJ and Faith buckled into the car while...yep...my husband checked out;)

To be completely honest though, this was actually a much better shopping trip than most. I did not actually lay down on the floor and have a tantrum.  No, I mean that he, HE, did not actually have a tantrum lol!  He did not kick or hit me. He did refuse to come to me and he did try to pull away from me.  But it was a pretty low key day compared to the usual. I think that the kids are...finally...growing up lol!

And he didn't get car sick again on the way home.   Yay!

If you see some harried mother with her children acting up in a store, please do not assume that she does not discipline her children, and think rude thoughts of her. Extend her mercy;)

I often think of the verse in James in these situations, "Judgment, without mercy, will be shown to those who have not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment." I have to remind myself of this verse plenty myself...


Grace gets out of school next Wednesday. That will be the big test. Grace by herself is great. Grace with any other combination of kids is...explosive. (I don't know if any of you have noticed that we have a very specific order that we sit in our church pew? It is the same every week for a very good reason. Keep Grace FAR away from Buddy and Superman is our peacekeeper). Today was intentionally our last "hurrah" with JJ and Faith before...before...before the realities of summer vacation with all of the kids thrown together 24/7.

But that is for another post;)

I going to be a Grandma!! The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Our first-born is having a baby! We are so excited!

The story behind the onsies;) I have always had this dialogue with Beautiful:

Beautiful: I love you!
Me: I love you more!
Beautiful: I love you most!
Me: I love you mostest!!

So when I knew that they were going to start trying for a baby I got 2 neutral colored onsies and paid a ridiculous amount of money to get them printed with these sayings as their "congratulations" gift. Then they sat in a gift bag and waited for the announcement:)

My husband and I enjoy teasing each other calling each other "Grandpa" and "Granny" (although I think we will be calling me "Nana" for fun). JJ and Beautiful already joke that I am his "grandma" so it isn't like I am not used to the word lol!  The kids are over the moon with joy and anticipation. As I have commented before, JJ has been begging for a baby brother so this will hopefully fulfill his need - as there is no way he is getting another brother from me unless God sets a child on our doorstep and say "here you go" lol! I am thinking that this child will never learn to walk with all of the aunts/uncle/grandparents wanting to hold him/her;)

On the other hand, hopefully s/he will learn quickly to hold his/her own and set good boundaries with lots of people wanting to jump in to "help" lol!

I am so glad that they live so close and I will get to be an active part of their lives during this time. My husband keeps reminding me that they may move away at some point, and while that breaks my heart I will take what I can get while I can get it:) We moved away from Minnesota and all of our families when Beautiful was 4 months old so we have never had grandparents around to come see the kids' activities, bake cookies with the kids, take the kids so my husband and I could have a few hours of respite, etc. It has been hard to be self-sufficient while raising this crew. I don't want that for my kiddos. I want to be an involved grandma who is available to help, babysit, listen to frustrations, give hugs, help with car pooling, attend events etc.

I did have to laugh last night when I had a realization of that though. We were at the AWANA awards night and I was thinking that the Middles only have 1 more year left. Then JJ will be the last kid to haul over there every Wednesday and sit through the awards night. But...then I had the realization that by the time JJ is done with AWANA, our grandbaby will be in AWANA lol! Oh the many joys and realizations of having kids spread out in age so our kids and grand kids are not far apart in age lol! All of our boys are 5 years apart, and JJ will be 7 years older than this child (there are 13 years between Beautiful and JJ, hence the joking they do about her being "mom" lol!)

Ok, this is the "good." But there has been some bad and ugly as well. First, I will share the ugly. I share this not because I like to air my own sin and brokenness, but to share the realities and vulnerabilities of my heart - the yuck that almost irrevocably ruined my relationship with my first-born. I am not perfect. I am certainly not a perfect mother. I have tons of my own baggage from my life. But I am trying to figure it out so that I can be as healthy as I can as I try to navigate this adventure of parenting.

I haven't always been so excited about Beautiful having a child yet. In fact, I was quite hostile about it for quite awhile. Hostile. Even before they married I was adamant with them they had to wait a LONG time before they had kids, insisted on birth control that would further that goal, and was just plain hostile about this topic. The birth control made my daughter feel sick a lot and they made a decision to stop it. I was apoplectic. I could not have a conversation with her on this topic that was not demanding and controlling. I could tell that the emotion was way over the top and my fear for them starting a family already was irrational and ridiculous, but I literally could not stop myself from the intensity of the emotion and it would boil over into my words and non-verbals whenever she would broach the topic with me. It was ugly. I was ugly.

One day she came over before work (I think to eat some of our food for breakfast. She used to do that a lot before she felt too sick in the morning to do so lol!). She brought it up again. She never tried to tell me I was wrong. But I will never forget her words, "Mom, I just need to know that when we come to tell you that we are pregnant that you will be happy for us. I need you to be happy for us." I responded (and I tell you this with great embarrassment and self-disgust) that when she tells me I will be excited because the decision will have been made and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it at that time anyway.

Ugg. What ugly, ugly words! I am tearing up just remembering that terrible conversation. After she left for work I was so disgusted with myself and just couldn't figure out why I couldn't just be happy for them! I knew that I was on the cusp of possibly forever ruining my relationship with my daughter. The daughter that I had labored way too  many hours to give birth to. The daughter that my husband and I have sacrificed so much to have him stay at home and raise, and home school, and love and cherish through the years. Was I really going to be "that mother" now? On this topic? Was it worth the breach in our relationship? I texted her that I was sorry and that I knew it was my problem, not hers and I would work on it.

So, I did. I did an EMDR session about it. I know I talk about EMDR a lot, but it really is amazingly healing and I guess this is a bit of a testimony on how it has changed my own life. Throughout the course of, I think it was only a 20 minute session, I process through baggage and realized other baggage. I am not looking to blame or put excuses on things. I am just sharing this as an understanding of what was standing in my way so that I could not embrace this decision of my daughter - my ADULT and MARRIED daughter who does not need my approval for a thing, but still wants her mom to be happy for her.

My parents married when my mom was 17, and I was born a month before my mom's 19th birthday. My brother came along a couple of years later. Then our parents divorced. Growing up a child of divorce sucks. No matter how amicable my parents were (and are) with one another. Even though my mother only missed 1 visitation ever (she was literally stuck in a snow drift that went over the top of her car for a whole day because she was trying to get to us). It still sucked. A lot. I know people divorce for a lot of reasons, and sometimes I see kids are hurt more by parents staying together in abusive situations "for the sake of the children" it doesn't stop the reality that divorce is very hard on kids. Throughout the EMDR I realized just how irrational my fears were. Because Beautiful also married young (that was also a hard decision that we prayed over and sought biblical counsel on for months and months before we gave consent) and now was thinking of having a child young I just couldn't get myself out of "being" that young child whose mother left. In "trauma talk" we call that being stuck in "trauma time." When triggered by something in the present we revert back to feeling like we are back in the trauma and that the trauma never resolved or finished. I was convinced that early marriage and children equaled divorce and hurt kids. Anyway, after the EMDR I could see it. Before, Nope.

Next insight - when I was a senior in high school my step-sister who is 2 days younger than me had a baby. I saw how much that affected her life, the child's life, our family dynamics, and now the next 26 years of her life. Again, flipping back into "trauma time" (and let me tell you, that just because she is the one who had the baby it doesn't mean it wasn't also traumatic for me - the only other kid still living in the home) I just kept believing "this can only end in heartache."

Next insight- I am raising 4 kids who mothers had them too young and without the means to parent them the way they needed to be parented. I see their pain every day when they ask about their birth families or they struggle with something related poor prenatal experiences or early trauma or attachment issues. I don't want my grandchildren to suffer the same way. Again, I kept seeing "this can only end badly."

And, of course in my profession I do a lot of marriage counseling. Countless times I have heard spouses say "we just got married too young and had kids too soon." Even in my own marriage, I was 22 when we got married, 24 when our daughter was born, and I just finishing graduate school with the means to provide financially for our family, etc and it was still very challenging. Again, I could only see that this decision could only result in divorce or an unhealthy marriage.

Throughout the course of 20 minutes of EMDR I was able to process through decades of prejudices and hostility and came out of it with several conclusions. They were things that I had been telling myself before but I just couldn't "own" if you know what I mean? Like it was in my head but every time the topic was broached I just kept reverting back to the ugly emotional place convinced that it could only end in disaster (and, of course, I couldn't keep my mouth shut about that could I? Jeesh).

I came to be able to "own" several conclusions (and more that I don't need to go into). My daughter is not my mother. My daughter is not my sister. My son-in-law is not my father or my niece's father. Beautiful and my son-in-law have tried very very hard to honor God in their courtship, marriage, and now with starting a family. The situations are not the same (except for the age - even that she is 2 years older than my mom or my sister were). They are not my adopted kids' bio parents or making the decisions that they made. God is sovereign over this. Am I going to trust God in this, or my own very flawed logic? How many times has God had to remind me over and over that I need to trust Him, that I can trust Him...even when the outcome has been heartbreaking? God is far more about process than end result (which I don't always appreciate) because that is what changes hearts. Obviously He needed to change my heart...and I am so thankful that He did:)

Finally, were my fears really worth ruining my relationship with this precious young woman and her equally amazing husband who are trying to live their own journey for Christ? Am I really so utterly self-centered that my way is the only way?

Ugg. I told you it was ugly. That I was ugly. I came out the other side of the processing with an intense excitement and joy for them to have a child. Anyone who has done EMDR will relate that it is like something "flips." In fact, I just sat there afterwards and thought, "really? I was really that worked up about this? What the heck?"

I immediately texted my daughter and told her that I had figured out my own yuck and was supportive of whatever their decision would be.

And I was:) I am!

The bad...
I won't say much about this part because it is not my story to tell, but it took awhile for our daughter to conceive. Every month was heartbreaking for them, and I cried right along with her. I am crying about it yet again while typing this... When I think about what it would have been like for her to go through that without my support? What if she would have thought every month that she wasn't pregnant "I can't tell mom because she will just be happy that I am not pregnant?" What if I would have uttered words like, "it is for the best?" totally invalidating her pain? It was hard enough when one of her sisters went to Awana and announced that Beautiful was pregnant (1 hour after a discussion that the sister heard about how sad Beautiful was that she was NOT yet pregnant). So people were making comments to Beautiful about it. That was heartbreaking situation for Beautiful that I, again, was able to be supportive of but what if I hadn't been?  I had Beautiful do EMDR during the time she was not getting pregnant, not to take away any of the pain of situation (which no one can do) but to help her stop believing that it was her fault. I never had an issue with fertility so had no idea how to resonate with her on this topic, but it would have been so much worse if I had not gotten my own act together. I am so thankful that God kicked me into action about it when He did!

I see all of the comments of support and encouragement and excitement from many of you when we made the announcement yesterday. If I would not have dealt with my own fears I would have been such a hypocrite - claiming to be happy on the outside while grinding my teeth on the inside.

But, I AM excited! I AM GOING TO BE A GRANDMA!!!!  How awesome it that?!?! My daughter has grown up, and carried on the precious cycle of life! I mean, we have SIX CHILDREN! Kids are important to us and we have centered our lives around raising children - she has seen how we value family and is carrying that on. That is a beautiful thing, not something to avoid. In fact, Beautiful, as the oldest of 6 kids, has had far more experience and will be far more prepared with her first child than I was lol! We hope to raise our kids "right" desiring to honor and serve the Lord and they desire to do that - why would I stand in the way of that?  Whereas before I know that I would have been cold and distant about it, now I can tell that they are going to have to tell me to back off. I already rub her tummy and talk to my grand baby telling him/her how much I love him/her.  I have already asked if I get to be part of labor and delivery - how intrusive is that lol!?! I want to be the best grandma ever, and I want to be the best mom ever - letting my daughter and her husband know that I am totally supportive of their decisions but yet won't have a fit when they set a boundary.


When Beautiful was born my grandmother came to visit. She held Beautiful and teared up saying "I have always, ever since I was a little girl, always wanted to be a great grandma." I thought that was an odd wish in life. But now I understand it:) Consequently, when we went back to Minnesota last week to tell our family in person about the baby coming my grandma was so thrilled that she now gets to be a great GREAT Grandma!


Whew.  That is a lot of good, bad, and ugly... for the 1 or 2 of you who have actually read this far and don't think I am a total failure at being a mother because of what I have shared, I have a funny story for you. This is how they told us...

The day before my husband's birthday it was an hour before church and I was up jogging on my little trampoline (I jog on it and not a treadmill to lower the impact on my back). Beautiful and her husband showed up and asked for my husband as they wanted to give him his birthday present. While I was jogging they handed him a piece of paper. After he read it I asked what they got him and he said, "A dog." Now, I am NOT a dog person. Not even a tiny bit. We have a dog that my husband got for Beautiful in 2006. We still have the dog. I had hoped that we would not replace the dog upon it's eventual demise. My daughter and husband love dogs and have 2. TWO!

So, my response that flew out of my mouth was "Oh no they did not!" He handed me the paper. It started with how much she appreciated him as a dad and went into memories. Then it went into talking about how they had ordered his gift but it wouldn't be in until December. I just kept thinking, "they are getting a puppy from a litter, it still has to be bred and weaned. It must be a fancy hunting dog.  I can't believe this. How in the world am I going to fake excitement for another DOG in this house when I don't like dogs but want to honor my husband who does like dogs and my daughter and her husband have obviously gone through so much work to pull this together?!?!?!"   Yeah, laughing at me yet?

Then at the bottom it said "and it will call you Grandpa."

I totally lost it. I screamed "NO!!!" (not a bad no) and jumped off of the trampoline, all sweaty and nasty and just held my daughter and was crying with excitement and relief for them. I think I just kept saying "my baby, my baby" over and over lol! Finally she said, "mom, you stink!"

My husband likes tricking/surprising me. He was tickled that he got me good!

That is how I found out. Relief it was a baby and not a dog lol! But, seriously, I look on them telling us with such fondness now. Praise the Lord He knocked some sense into me so I could share in their excitement and not make it a dreaded moment for them.

So, there it is. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Praise God that He heals us and sanctifies us.

Praise God for our grand baby!

Nightmares, Migraines, Adoption Issues, and a Big Answer to Prayer:)

Nightmares:
As I have talked about ad nauseaum, JJ is not a good sleeper. At age 6 1/2 he still does not sleep through the night consistently. He falls asleep between 11 and 12. He needs me holding him, at least right next to him, to fall asleep. The nights he falls asleep in my arms are the nights he falls asleep in under 30 minutes instead of in 2 hours. And there is no rhyme or reason why some nights he makes it all night long and some nights he is back in our bed frantic to be plastered against my side within an hour of me carrying him to his own bed. We have tried all kinds of things, nothing works, and at this point I just go with it.

One thing that he does talk about a lot is having nightmares. He won't tell us what they are about so I have been thinking that he has been using that as an excuse. He has asked for over a year for us to pray for him at bedtime "so I won't have bad dreams." Then he accuses me of not praying "right" and asks "why don't your prayers work?" when he says he continues to have bad dreams. He even has Beautiful pray for him the nights she is still here that late as an extra layer against "bad dreams" (since mine don't work;) Again, I have thought over time that this is an excuse to just not want to sleep by himself...

...but last week I had to wake him in the morning to get to an appointment (otherwise I would never wake him - that is a nightmare for both of us...). He was still in his own bed. I will never forget the look of utter shock on his face when he first opened up his eyes and when he blurted out, "I didn't have any bad dreams?!?!" So, that both confirmed to me that he is not faking about the nightmares as there was no way that he could feign that shock the second he woke up, and it broke my heart that he was so surprised that he wasn't woke up in terror from a nightmare. I don't know how to make this better, but we will continue to pray over him:)

****************
Migraines:
I have struggled with headaches for over 20 years. I didn't know they were migraines until just over a year ago. I was under the mistaken assumption that in order for it to be a "migraine" I had to vomit with it. Not true. Since then I have been systematically trying to figure out what triggers them. I go to the chiropractor once a month. I get massages regularly and had to bump it up to every 3 weeks at one point. I work on hydration. I avoid certain kinds of food noticing that after eating at certain restaurants it was bad. I can't avoid taking my children out in public  (just kidding...sort of;) I use Progessence Plus every night and when I got to the right dose it dramatically reduced my headaches. I take a ton of supplements and vitamins. When I feel one coming on I try to take 2 Tylenol and sleep (if possible).  All of these interventions have helped. However, a couple of weeks ago they started coming back stronger than usual and more frequent. Last Sunday I came home, took Tylenol and napped and the migraine was 10 times worse when I woke up. As a last ditch effort I took an anti-histamine since everyone else in the house was have allergy symptoms and I was desperate for it to go away. And it did! I have not been a person to suffer with allergies - congestion, sneezing, watery eyes, etc. But, when I think about when my migraines are worse it is in the fall and spring. Huh. So I took an anti-histamine every day this week and it was better. I woke every morning with a headache starting and it would go away with the anti-histamine. I am very thankful!

The one trigger that consistently results in more frequent migraines that I can't do a single thing about is...frequent interrupted sleep. Sigh...

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Adoption Issues: JJ's mom recently had her 3rd son since JJ has been born. JJ has enjoyed seeing pictures of him and it has started him to talk more and more about his birth family. He has asked to meet her and we are trying to  answer any questions he has. He keeps walking around asking each of us many times a day "what is your real name." I hate that word "real." I keep telling him that everyone has their "real" name (the word "real" is a pet peeve of mine so I keep saying "birth name." Of course, asking him to stop doing something means that he does it 1000 times more...) It really throws him for a loop when his, Beautiful, Buddy, my husband and I all have the same name that we were born with but the other 3 don't. He just can't quite understand the logic of all of that - which is probably why he keeps asking...and asking...and asking...

Anyway, about 3 weeks ago was when this was starting and I asked Superman and Faith how they felt about JJ talking about his birth family, having contact with them, and the idea that he may get to meet them when that was not something they would get to do. Superman responded honestly and actually had some good questions. Most of the time he avoids adoption questions so I was thankful that he felt safe enough to do that. That is one good thing of JJ talking about it so much, Superman has learned that it is not a taboo topic even though we have always told them they can ask anything they want to;) Anyway, I told him that right or wrong I tend to error on the side of answering questions openly and that I never want the kids to feel like there was a time that they felt I held information back from them so if he wanted to know I would share what I knew (in a responsible way of course). The conversation got pretty tough and a lot of questions were asked. I was glad that he felt he could ask and receive honest answers. I was thankful for Superman opening up more during that conversation.

But...something else beautiful also came out that that hard conversation...

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Answer to Prayer:
I have asked you to pray for our girls, and specifically Faith, in the past. Things have been tough for a long, long time with them. We are starting to see some maturity with Grace. She will actually say now that she needs to go to her room to calm down...about 15% of the time. But it is better than 0% of the time;) Bedtime is getting better. She admits that when she goes to bed earlier she is happier in the morning. That right there is HUGE! Over all there is a maturing and we are thankful. Of course, as I typed that she had a tiff with her brother. But at least she only growled and didn't do her normal tantrum. So, progress!

But, things with Faith have had us very, very concerned. Her behavior has been far more intentional and calculating than Grace's impulsivity. Things came to a head March 3. We did an intervention with a group of people on March 6 where she had to publicly admit to them what she had been doing. They prayed over her. She knew that the next step that we were considering was sending her to boarding school. The next couple of weeks I had several situations with her that gave me increased hope. Times when she came and volunteered about a struggle - both before or after (but before she was caught) it happening. Then came that adoption conversation I wrote of in the last section. It totally sent her into an emotional tailspin.

You may think me cruel, but I was finally glad to get some real emotion out of her. Finally it seemed we had broken through to some of the core yuck and she was getting genuine. I had her do EMDR about that and it was a beautiful and cathartic experience for her - (she actually talked about her feelings about her birth mom). And a bonding experience for us. It has "only" been 3 weeks since then but she is doing great! It is the first time I have seen her genuine and authentic with us. She just "feels" more relaxed and at peace. I feel more relaxed and at peace. She has messed up a few times since then but it as been more of what to expect from a typical 10 year old than a 10 year old with attachment/early trauma issues filled with rage/resentment/bitterness/fear/guilt/shame/etc. I am not so naive to think life will be a bed of roses from here on out, but it is the most peace we have felt in the house for years. Years.  I don't have to feel like a prisoner in my own house just to keep the kids in check or fear of what they may do in public. Ok, well, as much fear as there used to be anyway;) I can trust Buddy or Beautiful to babysit and not wonder what will happen. She is earning back privileges she hasn't had for 18 months and not misusing them.

It is good:)

Thank you for praying for our family and for Faith. She is precious and I feel like we have broken through the outer shell and can finally enjoy the real her.  God is good, and He is trustworthy:)

General Family Updates:)

We have had some good news around here. I like good news lol!

I talked with someone who helped me develop a plan for teaching JJ how to read. He is doing awesome! I am much more confident about how he is reading and he is making quick progress. In Speech he is also making quick progress. He remains the most stubborn child ever - but he wouldn't be him if he wasn't;) We have had him tested and desensitized to two more items since my last post. Last week was vegetable oils. I realized that the essential oils that I use on him were actually something he was sensitive to:(  Today he tested sensitive to artificial sweeteners - so that was natural sugars and artificial sweeteners that he is sensitive to - for a kid who likes candy (but not chocolate;) We will see how this desensitization process continues to progress. The first week his vomiting improved, but the second week there wasn't additional improvement;(

Faith - we have had huge struggles with her for about 18 months. We have tried all kinds of things but the beginning of this month we did an intervention that seems to have softened her heart. This month has been much, much better and I think it is genuine. It has been such a blessing - she is such a blessing:) Thank you to those who have, and continue to pray for her! Allergy season is upon us and with Faith always has a terrible time with them - with the asthma making everything worse. We have been doing the desensitization with her and this has, by FAR, been the best year for her. Buddy did the desensitization last spring and did well in the fall and is doing well this spring so far. I am hopeful that they will continue to do well as they are the 2 kids who are usually totally laid flat by allergies.

Grace - ah, Grace. She is so creative! Each of the Middles have a bathroom to clean once a week. I am NOT a decorator.  At all. However, my husband had bought some decorative something or another at a garage sale a couple of years ago and stuck it in the bathroom. I have noticed that every time that Grace cleans the bathroom she moves the decorative things around into a new arrangement. It would have never even occurred to me to do such a thing, but she is really talented at it! Maybe she will make a good window dresser someday when she is not busy making new hairdos!

Superman has been having a great time watching college basketball. He loves to watch sports. I have had to laugh at he and my husband. I have known my husband for 25 years. I grew up in a home where my dad did not watch sports, or hunt or fish. My husband does all of those things and I had to learn to adjust. Now I love to watch football and...my husband doesn't! But he sure has been glued to the tv watching the lead up to the Final Four with Superman lol! It just goes to show that people can change...even after 25 years;)

We babysat a 9 month old last week. Buddy was so good with our kids when they were babies but he hasn't been around one since. Last week I asked him to help me some when I had to be out of the room. It was very cute to watch him "watch" the baby by sitting on the floor and looking at the child...while the child just sat and stared back at him the whole time lol! Maybe it was the big hair;) Today  I asked him to help me with JJ's school while I made them lunch. He read him his Bible story using funny voices. I love getting to see the soft and sweet side of this 16 year old that he doesn't let many others see. He is intrigued by Asian culture and actually showed an interest in a flyer we got of a play called Shen Yun. He rarely shows interest in doing things in public settings so I got us tickets to go. He is excited to go...but not thrilled about the fact he has to wear a suit lol!

I have had a very productive time this past couple of months. My energy level is high. My motivation level is high. I have been very happy with my progress. I have been working out 7 days a week. After the work outs I have been "jogging" on a small trampoline (to minimize the stress to my knees and lower back) to finish out an hour+ of exercise. I have lost some weight. It has been good. However, over the course of the past couple of weeks my back has been more and more sore. Last week we had 2 days on bleachers at kids basketball games - always very bad for me:(  When I work I sit for 12 - 14 hours straight. I am getting more and more sore with sitting even though I make myself get up and walk briefly every hour. I have tried to be careful about the chairs I sit in (only hard backed) and I never cross my legs as that makes everything worse. But...apparently between all of the sitting and the working out I have stressed it again. So my pain levels are back to where they were 6 years ago. NOT as bad as 6 years ago yet, but I never want pain like that again so I am trying to back off of everything. I hate how the pain levels exacerbate everything so I feel like I am going through my day with the daily reality of the interactions of my family feeling to me like I am listening to fingernails on a chalkboard.  So I am quite irritable. I really feel for chronic pain patients. Just being totally real with you, the amount of energy I am expending in a day to just not respond in anger is significant. I am so thankful for an understanding husband who is taking point on the kids right now. Hopefully I can get an appointment with my chiropractor tomorrow (he is closed on Thursdays so I couldn't get in today) and after traction and an adjustment I will be better.

To make it even more fun just yesterday I started losing my voice. I think it is allergies. I normally don't get allergies but I know that this year is a extra bad year for them. No voice makes it hard for me to intervene with the kids when they can't hear me over their own...noise. So I am carrying a bell so they know to be quiet when they hear it so they can hear me lol! I slept until 9 this morning, took a nap this afternoon, and could head back to bed already for the night. Hopefully this sleep will help heal me up so I can get back to doing what I have to do for my family:)

JJ Eating Update: it has gotten worse again:(

After all of the testing last year and the diagnosis of why JJ was vomiting into his mouth many times a day we did some alternative medicine interventions and he improved significantly. He was down to about once a month. However, recently (and most notably since we returned from Disney World) he has worsened to many times a day again:(

Yesterday our 2 kids who attend the Christian school did not have school since 1/2 of the kids were out with Influenza so I decided to take the kids back to the chiropractor who did the desensitization and see if he could help with JJ's vomiting and Faith's terrible spring allergies that lead to a worsening of her Asthma.

Last time the kids were desensitized for Faith - cats. JJ - calcium.

This time we worked on trees for Faith. However, JJ tested positive for vegetable oil and sugar mix.

Sugar? Like glucose, fructose, etc.

So, I got thinking. JJ didn't have these vomiting issues until he was over 4. He was very easily car sick, but it was usually after drinking a bottle (calcium I am now realizing). But he didn't really EAT until he was close to 4. I think he wasn't getting enough in him for this sensitivity to be an issue. Do you remember how I would talk about how he would, at times, act like he was hungry but as soon as he had a bite he looked like he was going to be sick and refused to eat more? His mom has told me that she has the same kinds of issues and has seen tons of specialists with no answers. However, once he started Speech he actually started eating, and then he started vomiting. Learning now what his sensitivities are I am not surprised anymore the timing of why things got worse.

But now? Well, when we got back from Disney World and I actually had time to buckle down and find a way to get him to comply with school I decided that Smarties was a good bribe, oh, um, reward for compliant school behavior;)  Very few things are enticing for JJ, especially food things. He will just refuse (I have never had a more stubborn kid than him - and if you have read my blogs you will know that says A LOT!) So, smarties are small, many in a package, he likes them so they are rewarding to him so he would actually work on his school, it seemed to work great.

But the vomiting increased:(

Now I realize it is because my "reward" significantly bumped up his sugar intake for the day and...with his sugar sensitivity it increased his vomiting:(

AND, all we use is Olive Oil in our house to cook with so his sensitivity to vegetable oils is also triggered.

Yesterday we desensitized him to the sugars. It remains to be seen if it will help or not. The good news is that they retested him for Calcium and he did not test sensitive to it:)

But, that isn't the point at this time. The point is that...we have to keep him away from the desensitized items COMPLETELY for 25 hours. !!!!!!!!!!

Let me say that again.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Essentially the kid has been able to eat (well, the list of what he is able to eat is much larger than what he is willing to eat) protein. Which for JJ means eggs, chicken, and shrimp. And popcorn. Until supper tonight. And only water to drink (instead of milk which is all he usually drinks).

He was one unhappy camper. When I told my husband he said "Uh, I have somewhere to go. See you tomorrow night!"  lol!

No dairy. No carbs. Absolutely nothing that is his normal food.

And he was still vomiting last night. I am hoping that it was because his body is detoxing...

Anyway, I am hoping that he sleeps until 5:30 tonight so I don't have to deal with what is to come (just kidding, sort of).

In that vein, his sleep is soooooo much worse again. If I have him asleep by midnight it is awesome, but he doesn't make it very long. Last night he made it about 10 minutes - and he was sleeping hard when I left him in his bed:( I made him sleep on my floor instead of my bed just so I could get some sleep and he made it there until 6 so that is something:) He just keeps saying he is too scared (even though he has a sibling in the room with him).

He came home from Awana Wednesday night PUMPED UP about going to overnight church camp. I looked at him like he had 7 heads. I told him that he had to figure out how to put himself to sleep and stay in his own bed all night long every night before he could go to camp. He assured me he could do it. Thursday night he had me stay with him (like usual) to fall asleep. But when he woke up in his own bed Friday morning his first words were, "I made it 1 night!" Then...last night was a bust.

Hey, if his desire to go to camp helps him figure out how to confront his fear and sleep all night in his own bed I will send him every week all summer lol! Somehow I don't think it is going to happen though:(

Anyway:
Jesus, you know what is going on in JJ's body. You know what he needs. Give me wisdom to know what he needs and how to help him. Give me patience with his quirks. Heal his body. Give him courage. You are sovereign over all of this, I trust you. Amen.

A Thoughtful Conversation With JJ, and a Speech Update

Today my husband and I took JJ to eat at his favorite Chinese restaurant. In order to get him to be compliant with doing school (and knowing that it is extra hard for him to learn to read) he gets candy. I have pre-bagged his favorite candy into 20 bags (that are given to him for diligent work) and he was told that when he completed 20 days of school without complaining we would take him out for Chinese. That happened to be today right after his first session of speech therapy with his new Speech Language Pathologist. He completed the evaluation the last 2 sessions and today they started working. She is much different than the last agency we worked with, but we are very excited about the results of the language testing (he scored at or above "average" in all areas except for how he arranges words in sentences - the "Yoda speak" that we joke about). However, Language is different from Speech (I never knew that until I had kids with learning disabilities) and he obviously is very delayed in speech articulation. Despite that, she was very encouraging after even 1 actual speech therapy session today that he picks it up very quickly and will learn fast. She said that since he did not start talking until he was 4 he has to play a lot of "catch up" and if we thought about what we would expect from the speech of a 3 year old (with a child normally beginning to speak at age 1) that he would be on target.  Now that we have this evaluation we have started speech therapy again, and will develop a new plan for how to teach him how to read. That will mean more candy...and more Chinese food;) She did agree with the continued diagnosis of Childhood Apraxia of Speech but it is very mild at this time - he has progressed so much!!

My husband and I love to take JJ to the Chinese restaurant because he actually eats a ton of food and, for some reason, that place makes him stop and think - and ask deep questions. Part of me was so proud of him for thinking through issues in a deep way that is outside of the box. He obviously takes time to consider issues and I marvel at the way his brain contemplates things. Another part of me, though, is so sad about the topics that he has to spend time thinking about...

Today part of our conversation sounded like this:

JJ: Dad, why did you choose Mom to marry?

Dad: Because I loved her.

JJ: Oh.

Me: We loved each other so we chose each other to get married to. Just like we loved you so we chose you to be our son.

JJ: No you didn't. God did.

Me: Yes, you are right.

JJ: Why did my mom not raise me?

Me: Well, she didn't have a daddy to help raise you and she didn't feel like she had enough money and people to support raising you the way she wanted you to be raised. She loves you very much so chose our family to raise you the way she wanted you to grow up.

JJ: Why did you keep Beautiful and Buddy? They were in your tummy and you kept them.

Me: Well, I had Dad to help me raise them and we were blessed to be able to have enough money to provide for them.

JJ: And Superman, and Faith, and Grace. That is a lot of people! That must take a lot of money!

Me - laughing: Yes it sure does. You are all gifts from God and we love all of you.

Me: Your mom is married now and I just saw on fb this morning that she has had another baby a couple of weeks ago. So now you have 4 other siblings.

JJ: What is the baby's name?

Me: I don't know, she didn't say.

JJ: You should ask her.

Me: I will.

JJ: When do I get to meet my mom?  I know she lives a LONG ways away.

Me: Ummmm, some day we will go and meet her. We would have to fly there so it wouldn't be soon that we could do that.

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Later at home when I showed him the picture of his new baby brother

JJ: Where is a picture of my mom?

I showed it to him, her husband was in the picture too.

JJ: Is that my dad?

Me: Ummm, no. That is her husband and the father of your youngest 2 brothers.

JJ: How is her husband not my dad?

Me: Well, she was not married to him when you were born. You have a different dad. The same as your older sister.

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JJ has asked questions before but not quite like this. And he has never asked to see his mom before. This topic is so complicated. Flying across the country to go see his mom would be a nice experience for him (I would hope). But then there are 3 other kiddos in the house who don't get to see their moms. I often second guess myself on what I am "supposed" to be saying to the kids, because each of their adoption stories are very different and I don't want one to feel worse than another from the story that I tell them. Hard stuff.

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In other news: JJ is doing awesome in math and moving quicker with putting consonants and vowels together than he did learning the sounds in the first place. I am hopeful of his continued progress.

He is still not sleeping well. In fact, since we have gotten back from Disney World it has been much, much worse. It is like he is terrified at night. He barely makes it a few hours in his own bed then he is back in ours with his arms around my neck like he is scared I will not be there. He used to crawl in our bed, warm up (he hates blankets and kicks them off all.the.time. Yet he complains when I make him wear warm clothes to bed in an attempt to keep him warm enough to stay in his own bed longer...) and fall back asleep without touching us at all. It is odd. I just know that I.am.tired lol!