Christmas Vacation: visit and transition with the girls

I started this blog post half way through our 10 days with Grace and 10 days after Faith had come home for good. At that time I felt like "rocky and tense" - were probably the best words to sum up how it was going. I didn't post then because I didn't want it to be about complaining:)

However, in writing this post, I processed/learned some things about myself and my kids, and things got better. This is why I journal and blog - to grow and offer it in case someone else needs to hear it too:)

So, here is the longer answer of how I thought about the situation, was able to regain perspective, and got through the rest of the visit. 

First of all, Faith is doing great. We have had a couple of hiccups which really are just us getting to know each other again. She actually TALKS to us through said hiccups so we can get to a resolution. Who would have thought? lol! There are times that I have had a knee jerk reaction to her as if it is like 10+ months ago. Then I remind myself of how she has proven she is not who she was, and I challenge my thinking and therefore my response to her. I am working really hard to give her the benefit of the doubt and she has done nothing to make us doubt her. She is joyful, talkative, engaging, helpful, speaks up if she doesn't understand, is sharing her feelings, and in general is a pleasure to be around:) The most delightful change? She INITIATES a hug and prayer every night! That and when the boys talk back to us she sternly says, "just say 'yes Mom!'" lol!

The other day I walked into the living room and found her reading my bound books of previous blog posts from when the kids first came. She talked about how it was interesting to see it from my perspective - mostly about how I think about things differently than she does. I told her it was a dangerous thing to get caught up in my mind lol! 

As for how Grace did...that is harder to articulate. At the beginning of the week she was mostly quiet. Then she got comfortable and... emotionally dysregulated. I worked through 2 significant ideas as I analyzed what was going on with both her and I during that time. 

First: When I work with adults about stress management/emotional regulation I use a "coffee pot" analogy. When I work with kids I call it a lemonade pitcher or milk jug:)

Say a milk jug can hold 10 cups of milk. When it pours out into glasses it empties. Eventually it is empty and has to be refilled. 

Think of yourself as the milk jug. Think of the milk as "mental and physical capacity" and you are pouring it out all day long into kids, work, household, husband, hobbies, friends, projects, or whatever. On top of that you may have pain, depression, anxiety, etc that keeps you from filling all the way up (like there is a hole in the jug at cup 6, 8, etc) so you have to fill more frequently/be more intentional. We need to have self-awareness to know what fills us up and what empties us AND keep monitoring it throughout the day so we don't get to 0. The obvious things that fill us up are sleep, healthy food, hydration, exercise, connection, hobbies, etc. Each person is unique with what else fills them up, and what empties them. For example, being around people empties me quickly. For others, being around people is what fills them up. For me reading fills me up, for my husband it puts him to sleep with boredom lol! 

I realized half way through the week with Grace that she has no capacity to "hold" any sizeable amount of milk. She is a milk jug with a hole in the bottom. The moment that the milk is being poured into her she revels in it. As soon as the pouring stops she is empty again. I knew this before.

But, the new part I finally realized was that in addition to this she takes no responsibility for filling herself up (I am not sure she knows how to fill herself). She fully expects people around her to fill her up. And, given that I fell back into old perspectives/expectations when she came home, I held myself to the expectation that I was to fill her and keep her filled. Guess how well that went?

A significant part of parenting is self-awareness in how we respond to our children and why we respond the way that we do.

Short bunny trail that I promise (well, I think so anyway) will make sense in a minute- Beautiful is a big fan of the Enneagram personality quiz. She got me to take the quiz which I have done a few times. Usually I score a 1. Beautiful tells me that I am a typical 1. Go figure lol!

As Beautiful describes it, 1's tend to strive to be 7's on good days and when overwhelmed revert to 4's. So, in as layman's terms as I can understand. I want everything orderly and perfect and structured (anyone who knows me think that is wrong? lol!). When I try to get outside of my comfort zone and do special things I attempt to be "adventurous and spontaneous and fun." But then I get overwhelmed and get a bit...moody? emotional? dysregulated? Which is exactly the opposite of "orderly, perfect, and structured lol! 

I was considering this idea during the visit as I felt myself becoming dysregulated. When I get dysregulated I retreat into myself (well, into a book. A purely fiction, never would happen in reality, always a happy ending, book). But, I couldn't do that because - transition and visit... 

During quarantine I had found a bit of a balance of my "capacity." Really, I was working way too much and all of my energy was going to work - the boys at home didn't really care because they are busy with their own things (and can fill themselves up without any help from me at all thank you very much). But, enter my daughters this week? Totally upended my "balance." I was pouring out way more than I had coming in for 2 reasons: 

The first one was my fault:  because to fill back up I need quiet and alone time and it makes me feel guilty to not be "entertaining" the girls (particularly Grace). I held the ridiculous expectation that I was to be an adventurous "7" and make our Christmas visit the most delightful days of our whole lives (well, not quite that unicorn and rainbowy but you get the unrealistic picture)...

And secondly, Grace can't fill herself up or hold any milk.

For example, one night after I had engaged in fun and filling activities with her all day, Grace dysregulated and said that I didn't love her, didn't want her around, how can anyone love her when she has messed up as much as she has, she doesn't deserve another chance, and she doesn't belong. That made me feel like I was pouring myself out for what purpose? All that is poured into her is for the moment and she can't hold any of it over for the next 30 minutes. It.is.so.exhausting. In the past she would self-sabotage at that time. So I tried, for the manyith time, to explain about her not holding any milk. She finally seemed to hear some of this. But this time I added that she needs to learn how to fill herself up. Then I put her in charge of that for the rest of the visit. That took off the unrealistic pressure that I had to entertain her the entire time. So when she would dysregulate, I would suggest to her that she was empty and ask her to think of things to fill herself up. We had several fun projects going throughout the week like putting a puzzle together, etc for her to chose from. That allowed her to take some ownership in her own happiness. 

Christmas Day we had 14 people in the house so I was pouring out into many people and she got less individual attention and then she dysregulated. Of course that resulted in us needing to stop everything for an hour and work her though it, but she did not spiral into the old behaviors. So, this visit gave us hope that she has made progress, but was also a reminder that she continues to be exactly where she needs to be. It also helped me learn some new facets of myself. Win/win:)

Our First 24 Hours With Faith Home:)

 The past 24 hours has been a bit surreal. We got a call on Thursday that they were sending a bunch of kids home for passes a week early due to several more positive covid tests. Rather than risk getting the kids exposed and having to cancel the first home passes in 10 months they opted to let parents come and get their children. Since Faith was discharging in a week, she just discharged a week early. And, yes - if you are reading between the lines, Grace is not home because she is one of the exposed kids. Praise God she has had 2 negative tests though so once their house quarantine is over we can bring her home for her visit (in theory). 

We are so thankful for this week to transition home with Faith before Grace comes. We were concerned with how we were going to handle both of them coming at once and not being able to give both of them intentional time. They still get along, umm, very poorly. 

We have had a lot of peace about Faith coming home. It is earlier than they wanted her to come home, but we believed and advocated for her to come home now. 

Our first 24 hours has been- surreal. It is kind of like bringing home a child for the first time. You wonder what it will be like but when it happens it is so different.  She is not the child she was 10 months ago. She has clearly gained much maturity, humility, confidence, self-awareness, other-awareness, genuineness, and...joy:) I have broken down crying several times just looking at her and being so happy she is actually here, or listening to her talk (she actually TALKS to us now!), or when SHE initiated a touch when she walked past me, and ESPECIALLY when she allowed me to hug her while I prayed for her last night. 

It is truly a blessing to be able to hold your child while you are praying for her rather than praying from afar:) And to have her accept that hug:)

And the laughter and giggling? I tear up every time I hear it. Joy. She has joy. I don't know if I have ever, in the 12 years she has been with us, felt her be this happy and content. 

Of course we have some transition awkwardness. Superman and JJ are not quite sure what to expect from her so are acting off. She has picked up on that and it makes her feel sad that they are uncomfortable with her. But, she is actually talking to us about her feelings. That is a first:) She is still getting used to being home vs in her structured environment - asking permission to go to her room for a sweatshirt or use the restroom. One time when she did it today while playing video games with Superman he looked at her weird then lightened the mood by saying, "no, you have to hold it in for the rest of your life!" Superman handles awkwardness with humor:) She thanked my husband and I for giving her the benefit of the doubt and not making her feel like she is coming home under a microscope. I thought that was a very insightful comment:)

Because we did not expect her to be home this week I did not take off of work (like I did next week). So, I am working 12-14 hour days 3 days this week and the other day I work all day until Superman's basketball game so I won't see her much:( She will hang out with my husband and help with the kitchen remodel lol! And get her room in order. Then Grace comes home on Friday.... Prayers for those days she is home are greatly appreciated. Grace made a bunch of bad decisions last week again. Every time I see the caller ID from her house on a day she is not set to call us I feel so sad... She gets so mad at herself for messing up but just doesn't stop. We keep trying to treat each of those calls with grace and forgiveness and unconditional love - but I am so sad for when she looks back on her life later after she gets it figured out and feels the shame and guilt of her choices. So many of the people I work with are so heavily laden with regret of their life choices... Grace has enough to overcome, she doesn't need that too. But, we can't make her choices for her. She is exactly where she needs to be to get the help she needs. We will keep praying:)

The girls are coming home for Christmas...and one is staying

 The girls are coming home for 10 days over Christmas. After much prayer and consideration we have decided that Faith will remain home. There are a lot of pieces to that decision that I will not bore you with now, but it is not a decision that has been made lightly. She has done exceptionally well while in residential treatment and really the only thing that would keep her there is our fear that she hasn't made lasting change. How is a person really supposed to know if someone else is truly repentant and committed to change? I guess looking at the fruit of the behavior is the only real answer. Since we aren't allowed visits off campus with her, or weekends home, etc we are unable to assess that in our home. So... we are taking a leap of faith that what she is doing there will generalize home. We have some "deal breakers" that if she does them again will result in her application going back in and they have said they will take her back. So... please be praying for her transition back home.

Grace...is making poor choices. We got another call about her last night. I am not even surprised anymore. I am just so utterly sad for her that if she ever gets things figured out that she will have to look back on these decisions and deal with the reality that she did them. I will say that when she found out that Faith was coming home and she was not (despite her being there longer) she handled it with maturity. That was encouraging:)  Please pray for her heart as well.

I, personally, am a mess. I am working way too much and... well, I am not doing a good job of practicing what I teach others about self-care lol! I won't go into more detail as I am afraid with my state of mind right now it will just sound like a bunch of complaining. I am not in a good head space right now. I want this visit to go well and the transition to Faith returning home to be positive. I want to be intentional about it and get us started on the right foot without fears and old baggage getting in the way. I want the boys to not be anxious about this transition. I want all of us to give her the benefit of the doubt. I want her to feel loved and that she belongs. Please pray for our time together and the transition:) 

So many people are hurting right now. Find your people and connect. Get help if you need it. Find support. Get sleep and do good self-care. Be in the Word. Trust the Word. Remind yourself constantly to keep the main things the main things. This life is not for the feint of heart or for the unintentional.

It has been one year since Grace left...

 One year ago Grace left our home to go into residential treatment. A year. That is a long time. I have tried to write about this many times but I don't really have anything positive to say about it, and it has been hard for me to have any resolution about any of it. Our interactions with her are complicated and I often have a lot of anxiety about it. She has had one birthday and will have at least one more before she comes home. The pandemic has made it so difficult to have contact (just like with the rest of the world). We get weekly phone calls and have had 3 face to face visits since March. 1 of them went ok. With that said, the current plan for the holidays is to let all of the kids go home for 10 days. 

Yes, 10 days. After not getting to spend more than 5 hours total with her since March, and that in a supervised setting that often did not go well, we will have her home with us for 10 days. Please pray for that visit if you think of it. I am anxious. We are all anxious. 

It has been a year of learning how to love her from afar knowing she has to make the choices to think and act responsibly. We cannot do that for her. We are thankful for the staff and the program. They keep working with her and trying to encourage us along the way too:) Obviously the same goes for Faith who has been gone there since March. She is making really good progress though and we are hopeful she will be home by next summer. At this point it looks like Grace will be there a lot longer than Faith will. 

Meanwhile, at home we have learned what a healthy home can look like. The boys have come a long way and we have healed a lot as a family of 5. The time together due to the pandemic has been peaceful and healing for us. We have enjoyed all of the time we have had together. 

Unfortunately after the initial months of us being really intentional about being together, playing games, connecting, etc it has become routine. Between that, my insanely busy work schedule due to the negative impact of this pandemic on mental health, and Superman going back to school/sports and being gone 12 hours a day we are a bit disconnected again. Fear of the future of economy, election, and finances are more prominent for me that I would like and is having a negative impact on me. Add to that my sadness and fears about how Grace is doing and decisions we need to make about Faith I have been struggling. 

If you think of it, please pray for Grace to understand and take responsibility for her choices. To do what is right. Please pray for Faith that the many gains she is showing right now are authentic, and for us to have wisdom and discernment about when she is to return home. There is a slight possibility that she will be able to come home even at Christmas (to come home for the break and then not return). However, we struggle to know if she is just doing well now and hasn't really embraced the change - therefore if we bring her home prematurely we will have to do this all over again. Again, prayer for the discernment of that decision is coveted!

And, again, please pray that Christmas break would be a relaxing connecting time for our family. Not full of anxiety, conflict, hostility, and fear. 

Everyone in the world is experiencing their own fears and anxieties with their own life situations. Thank you for caring about ours and being an encouragement and prayer support to us:)

25 Years of Marriage!

We celebrated 25 years of marriage in July!  We have talked since our honeymoon when we went on a Caribbean cruise that we wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise for our 25th. We had to cancel the trip due to the pandemic so decided to celebrate with an outdoor adventure that would minimize risk. We headed to the mountains and this hike was our "25th anniversary outing." We were at the park by 6 a.m. to get the hike started. As we walked for a total of 3 hours we talked about how the journey of the hike mirrored the journey of our marriage. Here are my thoughts, with fun pictures as a bonus!

This picture reminds me of how happy and naive we were at the beginning of our marriage. No one has a clue on their wedding day what marriage will be like lol! We had an idea of the destination we wanted amidst various options people consider when they look ahead in their lives, and we set out with those goals in mind. Specifically about the hike, our goal was Fern Falls which was not all the way to Fern Lake. We had never seen real water falls (except the ones in the middle of Sioux Falls) so had looked for a hike that offered that specific destination.

The hike was so beautiful! There were a lot of trees and ferns. I was thinking about how God directed our path in those early years. There were stumbling blocks and pitfalls, but despite the obstacles we stayed the course and chose to move forward. 

Looking at this massive rock avalanche I considered the magnitude of what it would have been like to be present when it happened! I thought about when we were saved a few years into our marriage and all we were saved from- protected from- just like we did not have to be carried away in this avalanche. We were saved during a time that if God had not intervened I am not sure we would have chosen to remain married. God is so good:)

The mountain stream was so gorgeous! I could have sat and watched it for hours...if we did not have to keep moving toward our goal lol! I did think about the scripture "He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul for His name's sake." We had a time after we were saved when we rested in Him. He gave us restoration as we changed from the narrative of the world to His narrative. I quit my full time "safe" job with a "safe" salary and stepped out in faith to start a private practice so that we could home school our 2 children - feeling strongly led to do that at the time. God has blessed us abundantly through the years for that step of faith, although admittedly there were several years of trust building through "give us this day our daily bread." On this side of that decision I can see where He was every day, but then it was a terrifying decision and was a time learning to trust Him. Unfortunately it was not the only time he took us through one of those "restoration" periods teaching us to rely on and trust Him - but He has faithfully done it every time we have needed it. 

Sunrise. Watching as the Son rose more completely in our lives.

And the deer. Any good vacation with my husband involves an animal;) 

Finally, we reached our first destination - "The Pool." It was about a mile in, I think. It was beautiful. I felt like this marked about the 10 year mark in our marriage. The trajectory of our lives changed significantly at this point. On the one hand it got much harder. On the other hand our connection solidified in a way that had not been present before. 

Another view of "The Pool." Again, I could have sat and watched it for a long time. 

The signs said our path was one way, but we couldn't really see a specific path. My husband said, let's climb up those rocks and see if the path lies beyond it. He was right:) The path to the right was our path - the one that went up and was very rocky. The path to the left was more level and easier - but not our path;) Just like our life for the next 15 years...

Another thought I had - we saw few people on this trail. Maybe 15 total? And only 6 after "The Pool." It felt a lot like our life. There are not many people who have walked our path and "get it." It has often felt isolating. But when we have met those people who do get it? That connection has been powerful. Thankfully, through it all, God and my husband have remained a constant:)

The trail kept going up and there were a lot of rocks in the path. It was so beautiful. I kept singing "How Great Is Our God" in my head just marveling at His creations. 

Then we came to this stream and realized we had to traverse it over a log lol! Yep, seems like our life all right lol!

The trees thinned out for awhile as we kept walking, and walking... I started singing "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" in my head lol! After we got home I shared that with my husband and he burst out laughing saying that as he was following me on the path (most of the time it was too narrow to walk next to each other) he kept expecting me to turn around and exclaim "why are you following me? Who are you?!?!?" like Dori did after she told Nemo to follow her - then forgot lol! It is often a little freaky how often my husband and I share the same mind/thoughts. We are a good pair. He is a good man:) 

We came to one waterfall that was not close to us. We stood there for awhile and wondered if that was where we were headed. There was no sign to say we were at Fern Falls. We saw it through a bunch of trees. We felt like it was a little disappointing and we wondered if our expectations were off. We talked it through and felt like it wasn't where we were supposed to be heading and decided to keep going. It was a mountain stream on our right that we had been following most of the 2nd part of the hike. It also reminded of us of our marriage. So many times we have wondered, "is this it?" 

Then, out of the silence, we heard a branch crack to our right and 10+ feet in front of us a cow moose bolted across the path in front of us. I was frozen in terror and my husband grabbed my shoulders. He later said it was to throw me to the side if the moose ran our way. Thankfully it ran to our left. While I was frozen in fear my husband was almost shaking me saying "take a picture! take a picture!" LOL! I am so thankful it ran across the path and not down it as the moose was so close that I would not have had time to get out of its way. So many hidden dangers, just like in life. We have had so many issues hit us out of left field that have left us reeling. So many unexpected threats and potential threats. But we continued on the path laid before us and trusted...and kept walking. 

Then the hike took a turn. Literally. No longer were we walking along the mountain stream that was to our right. The path turned left and there was silence. No water sounds. Were we going the right way? Was our destination back a ways and we were not content with it?  Thinking there had to be "more?" The path got even rockier and the elevation higher...

The side of the path began to get steeper. We stopped and deliberated. I was ready to turn back. My husband said that he thought we should continue... So we did. How many times have we done that for each other during the journey God has us on? When one of us wants to turn back/give up on something hard the other remains strong and lends strength and courage to continue...

And continue...even when it looks harder and harder than we can handle (or want it to be)...

But then, we heard it:)

We saw it:)

We got so close we felt the cool spray of the water on our skin:) 

It was glorious and beautiful. Not polished and commercialized. There were dead trees laying across the falls. But, just like life, it was a beautiful creation that had the reality of hardship all around it that made it even more real. 

We sat there and watched it for awhile. We prayed and thanked God for the 25 years He has given us and asked for wisdom, discernment, faith,  and courage for whatever He has planned for us next. 

I love this man. I love my God. I am thankful for every rock, valley, elevation, tree, and moose that He has put in my path because it has drawn me closer to Him. I pray that I walk this path faithfully. 

How we are doing with self-quarantine:)

The short answer? Delightfully well:)

I realize that we are in the middle of a pandemic with so many unknowns medically, financially, economically, etc. Yet, at this time anyway, I feel like God has been protecting us and holding us in safety. I am trying every day to stay focused on His goodness and blessings. I often start to feel guilty feeling like I don't deserve for us to be doing well when so many are not, but then I remind myself that I don't deserve any of what Jesus has done for me and to focus on being thankful for God's sovereignty - in the good and in the bad.

Family: I am delighting in this time with our sons. I am sad that our girls are not with us but, in total honesty, it would have been indescribably difficult if they were here with us during the self-quarantine. I am so thankful they are getting the instruction they need and that they are safe where they are. I am also very, very thankful that we have this respite from their behavior. Getting to know our sons during this time has been a joy. We have seen Buddy out of his room more in the past 6 weeks than we have seen him total in the past 10 years. He eats a meal a day with us, plays at least one game with us every day, comes out just to talk to us, and goes for walks on nice days with us (and still gets A's in all of his classes lol!). He is so fun to be around. Buddy often tells us that he loves this time - he is an extreme introvert and is enjoying not having to leave the house lol! Superman is having a harder time. He is an extreme extrovert and being without his friends is very hard on him - but he has a good attitude about it. With his sisters gone it also means that he has taken on some of their chores (all of us reallocated chores so he did not get all of them) and with his lack of attention to detail he hasn't liked that much lol! But he is home! He used to be gone all of the time with sports/friends/school so it is has been fun to get to better know the young man he is growing into. He is learning the board games that we never got to play before due to the toxicity of our home with the girls here and it is fun to see how he thinks:) We have played almost every single game we have in the house - multiple times lol! JJ has been doing so well! He is sleeping through the night (except a handful of nights), his tantrums have all but stopped, and he is doing better with school. The current calmness of our home has allowed significant healing for all of us.

Eating: We have more time for cooking more involved meals and eating as a family. When this first started we asked "speed friending" questions during our meals but now we don't need that to have good conversation anymore. We are making the kids' favorite meals and snacks and Superman and JJ have been learning more about cooking. My husband and I are as dairy and gluten free as we can handle right now so that has also forced healthier meals lol!

Grandkids: I am sad that we don't get to have them over to our house. But, I am thankful that we have gotten to go on walks with them. Bella can run over a mile and keep up with us!! She is quite the energetic child...gets it from her mother;) It is a blessing that we live so close and we still get to see them. I make them treats and we see each other through the glass door now and again:) Oh, and the FaceTime. Bella and Jr. are learning all about "talking" on the phone though FaceTime!!! Today Bella made "blue cake" and "fed" it to us through the phone. She is so precious:)

Daughter and Son-in-Law: We are so thankful for them!!!  We attempt to not leave the house for anything - so our SIL brings us groceries that we can't order in, etc. Last night he brought us take out for the first time in 6 weeks! It was delicious:) He doesn't come in the house anymore but we exchange on the porch and move on:)

Work: I am so incredibly thankful that I can still work, and that I can work from home! While I am grateful for that, I will admit that work is very exhausting right now. Trying to connect with people over a computer screen (I use a HIPPA compliant Telehealth platform) is so exhausting and nothing like meeting in person. On top of that so many people are hurting so much right now:( There are people I am seeing multiple times a week just trying to keep them stable through this time. So many hurting people, so much anxiety, so many unknowns. It is even harder than when the typical advice to people would be to encourage them to interact with others, get out of the house, do hobbies, etc and right now no one can do that...

Unfortunately that means that I am wearing my "psychologist hat" a lot and trying to keep that "hat" on while downstairs working then walking upstairs a couple of minutes later and having to put on "mom" and "wife" hat. It has made for some interesting transitions. Thankfully my family has been incredibly supportive and understanding of my erratic work schedule during this time.

My mental health: I am working hard to do the things that I am encouraging others to do. I get up at 7:30 every morning and run 5 miles (according to my iwatch) on my trampoline. I am taking all of my vitamins and drinking a lot of water. I am in the Word daily reminding myself of God's truths and sovereignty. I am spending intentional time with my family. I am eating healthy. I am doing projects every day to keep focused on goals and have purpose. I definitely have days when I have less energy and less concentration/focus but I try to give myself grace on those days and still do things to feel productive. My love language is Acts of Service so it is important to me to "check things off a list" to feel good about the day. Initially I did a lot of cleaning and baking/cooking. Now I am moving into longer projects that I haven't done for years like catching up on scrapbooks for the kids and getting back to working on a denim quilt I haven't work on in over 8 years.

Connecting with others: This has been a hard one for me. I told myself at the beginning of this that I would be intentional about texting with people to let them know I am thinking of them and trying to be encouraging. However, I have to be honest that after "connecting" with people for up to 10 hours a day via a computer for work I am sick of communication devices and just want to avoid them lol! Even so, I think I am doing a better job than I did before when life was crazy busy for other reasons. With that said, despite me being a strong introvert I am so thankful there are 5 of us living in this house and even I am ready to talk to people in person.  Uff da!

Is everything perfect? Of course not. But when I do start to panic about something (admittedly it has happened quite a few times over the past 6 weeks) I bring my mind back to Truth. I am thankful for how He has protected us during this time. I know that life won't always be as calm as it is right now (and the past 13 years certainly were not!!!) but I am sure delighting in it right now:)

Update on our Girls

We could never have predicted that 1 week after we dropped Faith off at the group home that we would not be able to go back to visit. It has been 6 weeks since we dropped her off and last saw her or Grace. They seem to be doing ok. They are in separate homes and social distancing like everyone else. They do call each other and chat. Their programming is affected, just like with everyone else. The staff there all deserve 10 times their salaries dealing with the ramifications of this pandemic while working with so many traumatized youth.

Faith has been seeing things that seem to be making her re-think her choices. Normally she wanted little to do with us other than to push away. But, she is allowed a phone call once a week to us (we can call in anytime) and the past couple of weeks has asked us to call her midweek so that she doesn't have to go a whole week between talking with us. She still isn't real talkative when we are on the calls but it is touching that she wants us to call. Wednesday she actually said that she is seeing a lot of hard situations and realizes how good she had it at home with us. That leaves us hopeful for the heart change that we daily pray for her:)

Grace's choices were getting poorer and poorer. She was supposed to come home for 2 days the end of March. We ended up telling her that based on her behavior there and on the phone calls with us that even if the quarantine did not result in her not being able to come home for a visit, we would not have let her come home as we did not think we could handle her. She gave some push back about that but has had better reports since then. They are struggling with the same issues with her there as she had here. It is validating that it is not just with us that she acts this way. But at the same time it burdens my heart that she isn't making better choices. She has been gone almost 7 months.

There are days I am still overwhelmed with sadness that we had to make this decision. Then I work hard to remind myself that we had to do what would be the best to help them even though it is such a hard decision. Then I think about what life would have been like during this self-quarantine if they had been home... It would have been very bad. Then I think of all of the families who are struggling because members of the family are toxic and no one can get away for any respite right now. I am praying for those families!!!

So, right now I am rejoicing in my quiet male dominated home:) It has been a bit of an adjustment to being the only female but I am reveling in the lack of drama. Thank you Jesus!!