Irony: Getting a hot tub hoping that it will help ease the pain of chronic back pain, but hurting your back so badly while cleaning the area the tub will go that you are in constant pain.
I was diagnosed with a herniated disk in my lower back 7 years ago. A month before JJ came. I have come a long, long way since then. There have been years when I hardly have any pain. I have learned what I can and cannot do. I see the chiropractor regularly, do traction regularly, and see a massage therapist. I know there are a lot of things that I cannot do - like garden. But I do the canning so my husband doesn't mind the gardening. Mostly I can't lift or twist.
Last week, after 15 years of talking about it, we bought a hot tub. It is some kind of "circuit therapy" hot tub that has 5 different seats in it with different jets that I am supposed to spend a few minutes in each of the seats to get pain relief. We will see if it helps.
15 years ago when we were buying our house and remodeling it we built on a cement room. The roof of our addition is our deck that comes off of the main level of the house, and the addition is off the walk out from the basement. It was specifically built with over 8 foot commercial doors to be able to fit a hot tub through.
But then we weren't done having children like we thought, and had 4 more kids so the plan was put on hold;)
My back pain has been, for an unknown reason, getting worse again on and off since February. We decided on the hot tub. I went to clean the addition out thinking I was feeling pretty good that day.
Bad idea.
I haven't been in this much pain for a long time:(
I feel guilty that I can't be the mom who jumps on the trampoline, runs with, plays ball with, etc my kids. I have learned that I can't sit or stand for too long at a time. I have had to learn how to sit and how to stand so that I am not sore. Most of the time it isn't a big deal. If I am sore it is for a day or so. But today I am on day 5 and it is getting worse. I go in for traction tomorrow so am hopeful I will feel better by Monday. It usually isn't too bad since I can find a position sitting or standing that is pain free and just stay in it. But this time I can't find a pain free position. Just positions that don't hurt as much, for short periods of time. Sometimes I just sit and tear up because the pain is so bad. But, it could be worse.
I can still work. I am thankful I have a job that is not strenuous labor. I am thankful for an able bodied husband who is able to finish preparing the addition for the hot tub (we were working together that day, I was not doing it by myself. Although if he would have seen my lifting what I was lifting he would have stopped me right away... I tend to stubborn to the point of my own detriment. I wonder where my children get it from????)
Anyway, I have children who are no longer toddlers like when I first herniated the disk. That is a huge help! I am no longer nursing an infant so can take pain meds if I have to (I try not to). I have access to a great chiropractor where I can receive traction and adjustments that help a lot.
I am really wishing the hot tub was here already and am really, really hoping that the hot tub helps. REALLY hoping.
Thankfully I can also still home school JJ while I am sitting still. It helps me to feel productive since I can't do much else lol! He just sweetly asked me to snuggle and watch a movie with him now that school is done for the day so I will take my ice pack, try to find a comfortable position, and take this pain-enforced down time to just "be" with my kiddos.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
Friday, July 28, 2017
Camp is Done!
What a week! Sunday we dropped the Middles off at camp. Monday and Tuesday I worked 13 hour days. Wednesday morning I took JJ with me to work for an hour (he hung out in the office;) while my husband and Buddy went to the camp and set up a camper. We have friends who very, very generously loaned us their camper for a couple of days! What a blessing!
I got home and packed us up and we went and dropped JJ off at camp for his 2 nights. The cabin leader had familiarity with Apraxia and JJ went with his best Bud - we felt that God was working to put people around JJ to help him be successful. Ten months ago was the first time that he willingly left our side to go do something by himself. Before that he had been without a family member twice (with babysitters and that didn't go well). But 10 months ago he agreed to go to AWANA where he knew his siblings were in the building and it was at our church where he was familiar. Wednesday he actually went to a new location with strangers. My husband and I had decided to camp at the camp so that the cabin leader could get us if we were needed since JJ still doesn't put himself to sleep, sleep through the night, and has emotional outbursts. But, praise the Lord, we did not get contacted! None of the kids knew that we were going to be at the camp. It was a "we are only here if the cabin leader needs us" kind of plan. I was pretty anxious before he left about how he would do, but more importantly, how the people around him would handle... well... "him."
But we didn't get a call! That means that my husband and I had 41 hours ALONE! No interrupted conversations. We were able to talk about real topics without me losing my train of thought due to kids needing something from me. Or arguing...
Sleep. Sleep was a really big bonus. Being able to fall asleep when I wanted without having to wait for a 6 year old to fall asleep first sometime between 11 and 12 p.m.
Sleep without having to put kids who didn't want to go to bed through a bedtime routine while they were yelling and cranky and stalling.
Yeah, peaceful sleep was the highlight;)
Well, sort of peaceful. Wednesday when we dropped the kids off we went to the chiropractor since I hadn't been there in awhile, was having pain, and we were only 10 minutes away. I woke up Thursday morning in a lot of pain. It was a pretty painful day. We spent the day in the nearest town with a Sam's Club shopping. We have been so busy that we haven't been able to get our bulk shopping done and were out of a lot of essentials (like toilet paper - not a good essential to run out of lol!) Usually Sam's is over an hour away so we don't get there more than every 4+ weeks. It was nice to shop and not have to rush due to kids fighting.
But...after I realized the amount of money we spent at our 4 stops I wish we would have had kids fighting to get us out of the stores sooner lol! It is all good:) We got JJ's birthday present. Normally I remember that whole pesky birthday present thing about 2 days (or less) before a birthday and have to hurry to order from Amazon Prime. This time we got it done with 3 weeks to spare lol!
********
As this was our first time camping, we talked a lot about if we would like to do it again. We tent camped ONCE when we only had 2 kids. That won't happen again. I am on the fence if I would like to camp (in a camper) again. My idea of being outside is having the shades open, possibly the windows open (which we can't do much of with our kids with allergies), and going for a walk and being able to get right back inside! So, camping? I don't think I liked the actual "camping" as much as I liked being alone with my husband without interruptions, without internet or wifi (we don't have smart phones), without my messy house or piles of paperwork calling to me saying "get it done already!!" Having a home office is a blessing...and it is not a blessing... The work is never done and it is never shut away. I did have to field quite a few work issues but at least I was able to do that via text since I didn't have enough cell signal to make phone calls.
So, camping as a way to really get away without distractions. Yes! But...honestly that means getting away without our children lol! If they were with I am pretty sure I would lose my mind.
My husband and I played a lot of games like we used to back before we had kids. We loved to play cribbage...and we played a lot of cribbage the last couple of days. I lost more than I won...as usual... I lost at Ticket to Ride. I did win 10 Days in Africa. So there is that;)
I think we will need to keep the cribbage board out and play more often. We really liked that.
*********
We got the kids picked up this morning (after another last minute chiropractor appointment that I hope helps me not having pain shooting down my arm anymore). The kids were all stinky, smelly, and made lots of friends so didn't want to come home. Except Grace. Grace says she is never going to camp again.
Grace was mad at Faith because she was "mean" all week. Faith let us know that Grace found minnows so grabbed Faith's water bottle to put the minnows in (what else would one do with minnows???!!! OF COURSE you would put them in a water bottle!!!) until she could retrieve her own water bottle to store them in. No, the minnows DID NOT come home us! We always ask for the girls to be separated at camp but they never do. Last year we put Faith in horse camp to keep the girls away from each other but did not do that this year. I suppose it is possible that they will like each other...one day...
The kids all took 1 single shower all week "because our cabin leader doesn't like showers." Ummm, yeah... I can remember that Beautiful loved camp week so she didn't have to take a shower all week, and would shower on the last day just so we wouldn't know she was a mess the rest of the week lol! I love the stories she tells now that she is out of the house and doesn't have to worry about getting in trouble anymore lol!
Superman has a hoarse voice from all of the yelling and carrying on that he does. I swear that he is going to be a sports announcer with all of the talking, play by plays, and excitement about the action that he gets into...
JJ... JJ latched himself onto a bunch of older boys who seem to have taken him under their wing and become kind of "protectors." We watched them all together for awhile and they all treated him well. I don't know exactly how he attached himself to them (he is used to being around older kids, being the youngest in our crew), but it seems to have gone well. Boys were even coming up to him and hugging him or giving him "secret handshakes" good-bye. He says he wants to go back next year. If we can make that happen, YAY!!!
*********
You may be wondering, what happened to our other kid? The other one who lives with us? The 17 year old hermit who won't leave the house? Well, he LOVED having the entire house to himself without any siblings lol! I know that we are very, VERY blessed that we can trust our 17 year old son to be home alone for 2 days and know that he won't do anything he shouldn't do (except play video games all night long;) We bought him a new video game right before we left, took the curfew off of the TV just for him (don't worry, all of my very strict parental controls on the TV are still in place. He doesn't like to watch TV anyway), Beautiful and her husband checked up on him (and took him to Men's Bible Study), and he was quite content.
We had to laugh as Beautiful and Buddy called and texted us. Often. Frequently even. It was nice to know that we were missed;)
********
So now we are washing 4 kids worth of clothes/bedding. Faith fell asleep after her emotional outburst about her sister. Grace calmed down after her emotional outburst about everyone being mean and is now picking sweetcorn with my husband. Superman is just laid out on the couch. And JJ has had me holding him non-stop for 3 hours (thankfully my husband sorted all of the laundry and is washing that) and won't let me out of his sight. Back to reality...with a side of cribbage mixed in;) I am already considering where we might get to go next time the kids head to camp. Maybe we can venture further away from them than 300 yards lol!
I will leave you with this picture. It is one of my favorites from when the Middles came. We had only had Superman and Faith for 2 weeks when Beautiful came back from camp and, as usual, crashed on the couch for hours and hours - the 2 year olds just did not understand why she would not play with them! Up, Nana! Up!! You can see just how excited that Beautiful was to have 3 toddlers in the house...ummmm...loving on her;)
I got home and packed us up and we went and dropped JJ off at camp for his 2 nights. The cabin leader had familiarity with Apraxia and JJ went with his best Bud - we felt that God was working to put people around JJ to help him be successful. Ten months ago was the first time that he willingly left our side to go do something by himself. Before that he had been without a family member twice (with babysitters and that didn't go well). But 10 months ago he agreed to go to AWANA where he knew his siblings were in the building and it was at our church where he was familiar. Wednesday he actually went to a new location with strangers. My husband and I had decided to camp at the camp so that the cabin leader could get us if we were needed since JJ still doesn't put himself to sleep, sleep through the night, and has emotional outbursts. But, praise the Lord, we did not get contacted! None of the kids knew that we were going to be at the camp. It was a "we are only here if the cabin leader needs us" kind of plan. I was pretty anxious before he left about how he would do, but more importantly, how the people around him would handle... well... "him."
But we didn't get a call! That means that my husband and I had 41 hours ALONE! No interrupted conversations. We were able to talk about real topics without me losing my train of thought due to kids needing something from me. Or arguing...
Sleep. Sleep was a really big bonus. Being able to fall asleep when I wanted without having to wait for a 6 year old to fall asleep first sometime between 11 and 12 p.m.
Sleep without having to put kids who didn't want to go to bed through a bedtime routine while they were yelling and cranky and stalling.
Yeah, peaceful sleep was the highlight;)
Well, sort of peaceful. Wednesday when we dropped the kids off we went to the chiropractor since I hadn't been there in awhile, was having pain, and we were only 10 minutes away. I woke up Thursday morning in a lot of pain. It was a pretty painful day. We spent the day in the nearest town with a Sam's Club shopping. We have been so busy that we haven't been able to get our bulk shopping done and were out of a lot of essentials (like toilet paper - not a good essential to run out of lol!) Usually Sam's is over an hour away so we don't get there more than every 4+ weeks. It was nice to shop and not have to rush due to kids fighting.
But...after I realized the amount of money we spent at our 4 stops I wish we would have had kids fighting to get us out of the stores sooner lol! It is all good:) We got JJ's birthday present. Normally I remember that whole pesky birthday present thing about 2 days (or less) before a birthday and have to hurry to order from Amazon Prime. This time we got it done with 3 weeks to spare lol!
********
As this was our first time camping, we talked a lot about if we would like to do it again. We tent camped ONCE when we only had 2 kids. That won't happen again. I am on the fence if I would like to camp (in a camper) again. My idea of being outside is having the shades open, possibly the windows open (which we can't do much of with our kids with allergies), and going for a walk and being able to get right back inside! So, camping? I don't think I liked the actual "camping" as much as I liked being alone with my husband without interruptions, without internet or wifi (we don't have smart phones), without my messy house or piles of paperwork calling to me saying "get it done already!!" Having a home office is a blessing...and it is not a blessing... The work is never done and it is never shut away. I did have to field quite a few work issues but at least I was able to do that via text since I didn't have enough cell signal to make phone calls.
So, camping as a way to really get away without distractions. Yes! But...honestly that means getting away without our children lol! If they were with I am pretty sure I would lose my mind.
My husband and I played a lot of games like we used to back before we had kids. We loved to play cribbage...and we played a lot of cribbage the last couple of days. I lost more than I won...as usual... I lost at Ticket to Ride. I did win 10 Days in Africa. So there is that;)
I think we will need to keep the cribbage board out and play more often. We really liked that.
*********
We got the kids picked up this morning (after another last minute chiropractor appointment that I hope helps me not having pain shooting down my arm anymore). The kids were all stinky, smelly, and made lots of friends so didn't want to come home. Except Grace. Grace says she is never going to camp again.
Grace was mad at Faith because she was "mean" all week. Faith let us know that Grace found minnows so grabbed Faith's water bottle to put the minnows in (what else would one do with minnows???!!! OF COURSE you would put them in a water bottle!!!) until she could retrieve her own water bottle to store them in. No, the minnows DID NOT come home us! We always ask for the girls to be separated at camp but they never do. Last year we put Faith in horse camp to keep the girls away from each other but did not do that this year. I suppose it is possible that they will like each other...one day...
The kids all took 1 single shower all week "because our cabin leader doesn't like showers." Ummm, yeah... I can remember that Beautiful loved camp week so she didn't have to take a shower all week, and would shower on the last day just so we wouldn't know she was a mess the rest of the week lol! I love the stories she tells now that she is out of the house and doesn't have to worry about getting in trouble anymore lol!
Superman has a hoarse voice from all of the yelling and carrying on that he does. I swear that he is going to be a sports announcer with all of the talking, play by plays, and excitement about the action that he gets into...
JJ... JJ latched himself onto a bunch of older boys who seem to have taken him under their wing and become kind of "protectors." We watched them all together for awhile and they all treated him well. I don't know exactly how he attached himself to them (he is used to being around older kids, being the youngest in our crew), but it seems to have gone well. Boys were even coming up to him and hugging him or giving him "secret handshakes" good-bye. He says he wants to go back next year. If we can make that happen, YAY!!!
*********
You may be wondering, what happened to our other kid? The other one who lives with us? The 17 year old hermit who won't leave the house? Well, he LOVED having the entire house to himself without any siblings lol! I know that we are very, VERY blessed that we can trust our 17 year old son to be home alone for 2 days and know that he won't do anything he shouldn't do (except play video games all night long;) We bought him a new video game right before we left, took the curfew off of the TV just for him (don't worry, all of my very strict parental controls on the TV are still in place. He doesn't like to watch TV anyway), Beautiful and her husband checked up on him (and took him to Men's Bible Study), and he was quite content.
We had to laugh as Beautiful and Buddy called and texted us. Often. Frequently even. It was nice to know that we were missed;)
********
So now we are washing 4 kids worth of clothes/bedding. Faith fell asleep after her emotional outburst about her sister. Grace calmed down after her emotional outburst about everyone being mean and is now picking sweetcorn with my husband. Superman is just laid out on the couch. And JJ has had me holding him non-stop for 3 hours (thankfully my husband sorted all of the laundry and is washing that) and won't let me out of his sight. Back to reality...with a side of cribbage mixed in;) I am already considering where we might get to go next time the kids head to camp. Maybe we can venture further away from them than 300 yards lol!
I will leave you with this picture. It is one of my favorites from when the Middles came. We had only had Superman and Faith for 2 weeks when Beautiful came back from camp and, as usual, crashed on the couch for hours and hours - the 2 year olds just did not understand why she would not play with them! Up, Nana! Up!! You can see just how excited that Beautiful was to have 3 toddlers in the house...ummmm...loving on her;)
Saturday, July 15, 2017
Gender Reveal: We are having a Grand daughter!
We are having a grand daughter! Although, on my maternal side of the family that is not a surprise. This is the 5th generation of a first born daughters. We have a lot of females on that side of the family.
A lot.
In fact, we have so many more girls than boys that our family started a group called Ruth's Daughter's Daughters. Why? My great grandmother was named Ruth. She was a midwife who had...5 daughters. Of those 5 daughters only 1 had sons. In that entire generation of cousins there are only 3 boys. So, the women got together starting about 26ish years ago (man that makes me feel old) and started to have weekends together as an extended family (sorry male cousins). I was in the next generation so wasn't a part of those meetings. In my generation of cousins there are a few more boys in extended the family, but my grandmother and grandfather had 3 daughters, and they had 7 kids - 1 of whom is male (my brother). In my generation 4 of the 7 of us have had children, 3 of us had sons - but our first borns were daughters:) All of the 6 cousins in Beautiful's generation are younger than JJ is, so we will see if there are more boys born or not:) The age gaps in my generation are also interesting to think about - My cousins were all born between the time I was 8 and 18 so we didn't get to have the "close cousins" experiences others have. I supposed my grand kids will have the same experience too.
So, now Beautiful starts the 5th generation with...Ruth's Daughter's, Daughter's, Daughters', Daughter's Daughter:)
We threw a Gender Reveal Party for them last night. While parties are not my comfort zone, we were excited to put together a celebration for Beautiful and her husband. And, hey, the house got really clean lol! JJ had a hard time with the house cleaning. I think he is already feeling pushed aside by the baby. He likes his structure, routine, and place in the world. We eventually got around it but he is already insistent this morning that I get all of his toys back out where they belong lol!
I am not sure how I was supposed to take it when the kids just kept walking through the house saying, "wow! this is really clean!" and "wow! the food all looked good!"
I will say that I discovered the secret of a successful party...delegation! lol! Considering my first big party was Beautiful's graduation, followed shortly thereafter by a wedding of very large proportions, this one's size was "just right" ;) I had help from an incredible chef for the salads (and beautiful flower arrangement), another friend came early and helped me set up (thankfully! along with the person who helped with the food), and another friend stepped in during cake serving time to assist.
I have concluded that I have amazing friends:)
I was feeling pretty good about it all until someone reminded me that we have another graduation party in 10 months.... :( He hasn't decided if he wants a party or not. Maybe I can try the same tactic as I attempted with the wedding and suggest (instead of a destination wedding) a destination graduation (or just offer him cash to not put me through having to plan a party). Ok, I am getting a little punchy now. It must be post-party craziness. Any questions on why I do not drink? I am crazy enough without alcohol lol!
Anyway...today I forced myself to do my work out, feed the kids, and get "should have been done earlier in the week" paperwork completed. I am now going to sit.on.my.backside and do engage in my favorite hobby (reading) while attempting to keep the kids from pulling out each other's hair. My husband is recuperating from his post-party mind-fog by garage saleing with our daughter and husband. They have been at it for 5 hours now. They.are.crazy.
In re-reading this post I think that I seriously need to just stop typing. Now.
So, the highlights - we are having a granddaughter! 5th Generation first born daughter! The house is clean! I have great friends! I am a little discombobulated!
God is good:) We are blessed:) And I am excited to be a Grandma!
A lot.
In fact, we have so many more girls than boys that our family started a group called Ruth's Daughter's Daughters. Why? My great grandmother was named Ruth. She was a midwife who had...5 daughters. Of those 5 daughters only 1 had sons. In that entire generation of cousins there are only 3 boys. So, the women got together starting about 26ish years ago (man that makes me feel old) and started to have weekends together as an extended family (sorry male cousins). I was in the next generation so wasn't a part of those meetings. In my generation of cousins there are a few more boys in extended the family, but my grandmother and grandfather had 3 daughters, and they had 7 kids - 1 of whom is male (my brother). In my generation 4 of the 7 of us have had children, 3 of us had sons - but our first borns were daughters:) All of the 6 cousins in Beautiful's generation are younger than JJ is, so we will see if there are more boys born or not:) The age gaps in my generation are also interesting to think about - My cousins were all born between the time I was 8 and 18 so we didn't get to have the "close cousins" experiences others have. I supposed my grand kids will have the same experience too.
So, now Beautiful starts the 5th generation with...Ruth's Daughter's, Daughter's, Daughters', Daughter's Daughter:)
We threw a Gender Reveal Party for them last night. While parties are not my comfort zone, we were excited to put together a celebration for Beautiful and her husband. And, hey, the house got really clean lol! JJ had a hard time with the house cleaning. I think he is already feeling pushed aside by the baby. He likes his structure, routine, and place in the world. We eventually got around it but he is already insistent this morning that I get all of his toys back out where they belong lol!
I am not sure how I was supposed to take it when the kids just kept walking through the house saying, "wow! this is really clean!" and "wow! the food all looked good!"
I will say that I discovered the secret of a successful party...delegation! lol! Considering my first big party was Beautiful's graduation, followed shortly thereafter by a wedding of very large proportions, this one's size was "just right" ;) I had help from an incredible chef for the salads (and beautiful flower arrangement), another friend came early and helped me set up (thankfully! along with the person who helped with the food), and another friend stepped in during cake serving time to assist.
I have concluded that I have amazing friends:)
I was feeling pretty good about it all until someone reminded me that we have another graduation party in 10 months.... :( He hasn't decided if he wants a party or not. Maybe I can try the same tactic as I attempted with the wedding and suggest (instead of a destination wedding) a destination graduation (or just offer him cash to not put me through having to plan a party). Ok, I am getting a little punchy now. It must be post-party craziness. Any questions on why I do not drink? I am crazy enough without alcohol lol!
Anyway...today I forced myself to do my work out, feed the kids, and get "should have been done earlier in the week" paperwork completed. I am now going to sit.on.my.backside and do engage in my favorite hobby (reading) while attempting to keep the kids from pulling out each other's hair. My husband is recuperating from his post-party mind-fog by garage saleing with our daughter and husband. They have been at it for 5 hours now. They.are.crazy.
In re-reading this post I think that I seriously need to just stop typing. Now.
So, the highlights - we are having a granddaughter! 5th Generation first born daughter! The house is clean! I have great friends! I am a little discombobulated!
God is good:) We are blessed:) And I am excited to be a Grandma!
Sunday, July 9, 2017
Summer Boot Camp:Teaching the Kids to Trust Us
Our house is chaotic. Pretty much total chaos. Most of the time.
With 2 kids who struggle daily with significant emotional dysregulation it
seems like every moment is a ticking time bomb just waiting for some to start
yelling or accusing or arguing or something totally out of proportion to the
situation. And the rebellion. Ugg... Every time a kid actually says
"yes mom" I about fall over from a shock. It is a rare occurrence.
Peace.
That is what I long for...
So in May I informed the family that this summer was "Summer
Boot Camp." I took everyone's electronic devices away, put up the game
console controllers and games, and put up the remotes to the TV (although they
have slowly earned them back for short periods of time).
My husband and I reminded the kids of the rules already in place.
Chores for each kid and no fighting, arguing, back talk, etc.
Essentially, disrespect will be disciplined. More on disrespect below...
Summer Boot Camp is also forcing my husband and I to be more
diligent about "catching" them being obedient and kind. I bought
colored poker chips and assigned a color to each kid. They get 1 poker chip for
completing their chores, and then every time we "catch" them being
kind to one another, first time obedience, cheerful obedience, being willing to
let someone else do something first, using kinds words and tones of voices,
etc. Once they get to 10 in a single day they get a prize.
*****
Objectively, how has it gone? We are almost 2 months into it and
we have discovered some things.
1. My husband and I needed to be more diligent about catching the
kids doing well lol!
2. My husband and I needed to be better about being on the same
page about expectations, and the same consequences for the kids' lack of
compliance.
3. Behavioral incidents have decreased.
4. Life has been smoother with very strict rules (you thought we
were strict before? Nothing compared to now!) If my kids called me
"The Hammer" before, I don't even want to know what they call me now
lol!
******
I am a person who never really shuts off analyzing behavior,
wondering what motivates a person, or looking for deeper meaning. Most of the
time the kids get mad and tell me to stop being a psychologist and groan that
they were unfortunate enough to have one as a mother. I just tell them that I
have always been wired this way and went into the field because that is how I
think, I don't think this way because of what I do.
Anyway, I have been more intentional about analyzing their
behavior this summer since we are slowly moving out of "crisis parenting" mode and a few weeks ago discovered something that I found
interesting and has changed the way that we are interacting with them with, so
far anyway, delightfully positive results.
You may think this is an "obviously" moment, but for me
it was an "ah ha" moment. They argue (well, 2 of them argue, 2 of
them make dramatic comments and stomp off) with us because they don't... trust
us. I am trained in Trust Based Relational Intervention and have been
using its tenets to try to dig to the bottom of the kids' behavior and the
chaos. When I dug down deep enough I realized that they didn't respect us -
because they don't trust us.
I called a family meeting and talked to them about their disrespect toward us, but also that the
disrespect is rooted in the fact that they don't trust us. I gave a lot of
examples to them of how we see them arguing with us because they don't trust
us, and therefore don't respect us/show us respectful behavior.
"Respect" has been a hard word for both my my husband
and myself. I can remember my husband telling me at the beginning of our
marriage that we will never demand that our children "respect" us. I
came to understand that he grew up with a father that demanded
"respect" (outwardly compliant behavior that never EVER questioned
his father) yet did nothing to earn it (and much to do the opposite). I had similar
conversations with a parent, so it was difficult for us to navigate what
"respect" really meant. We have always believed that respect must be
earned and not demanded. One can show "respectful" behavior externally,
but if one's heart is full of resentment and bitterness (a lack of trust,
connection, and belief that the person actually has your best interest at
heart) is the external compliance really the best goal? Isn't changing the
person's heart the goal (especially in a parent/child situation)? So how does
one do that?
So, the new intervention? Every time that they argue with us we
now respond with "do you trust me?"
I really want to deeply root in their minds and hearts that they
can trust us. Whether this will help or not, after 8 and 10 years of taking
care of their every need hasn't done so, I don't know. But I do know that this
intervention requires more "thought" on their part. They have to
actually think "do I trust them or not?" They have to make a choice
of deferring to our decisions, or to argue and essentially say that they don't
believe that we have their backs or their best interests at heart. Either way,
we are eliminating the knee-jerk rebellion and requiring their response to be
more intentional and thought through.
We have also realized that it goes both ways. Just yesterday we
accidentally discovered that a couple of the kids had done something that was
extra over and above their normal disobedient behavior. We sat them down and
talked, once again, about how we want them to trust us and know that we are
here for them. They do not have to be afraid of us (I believe that fear is the
root of lack of trust, anger, etc). The kids confessed their sin openly (quite
honestly, shocking us) and it appeared they were genuinely remorseful and had no problem with the severity of the consequence. We
talked about how we know it is hard for them to trust us based on what they
have experienced in their lives. However, we also wanted to impress upon them
that it is hard for us to trust them when they act this way
and they need to understand that is why we have such strict rules. We simply
can't trust them. But we want to. We discussed how we know how
they feel struggling to trust us, like we struggle to trust them.
********
So, qualitatively what have we seen since this has started?
It has been different with each kid but I think that all of them show an increased trust in us.
Superman: He is initiating hugs and snuggling more. In the 9 years
he has been with us I can count on 2 hands the number of time he has initiated
a hug. He seems more at peace. He is opening up more. He seems to be genuinely
submitting to our authority (trusting us) and decisions without the anger that has always
been present but underlying his "mask."
Grace: She still argues, but she stops sooner. That is a major,
major improvement. She apologizes more readily, and she actually says "yes
Mom" or "yes Dad" or "ok" several times a day. It
shocks me every.single.time. Every time she has a major tantrum she has to go
to bed early that night. That is her most hated consequence. Quite honestly,
she goes to bed early most nights (which means we have quieter evenings and we
can devote more time to the other kids which is making a noticeable difference
in our relationships with them). But we have found that the more she realizes
that we are serious the more she works toward self-control. We caught her
laughing with the other kids about me forgetting about a consequence and her
getting away with doing something. We write them down now. It doesn't happen
anymore lol!
Faith: She is doing SO much better than she was. Gradually since
the March she has become a very different child than she was the previous 18
months (well, 3+ years). I am so thankful! She wants a lot of holding, is opening up more, and
is far more compliant, and far more willing to accept consequences when she
messes up.
JJ: JJ is a tough nut to crack. Since he can finally talk more or
less in a way that can be understood, he has been insistent to have his voice
"heard." We are thankful that he "speaks" much less with
aggressive behavior now, but his arguing skills, attention to detail, memory of
situations that have happened before, memory of every "yes you can do
that" ever uttered, and ability to sniff out loopholes in logic would make
him an excellent attorney one day.
We had struggled several months ago until recently with him
deciding that I was no longer to hug him, kiss him, or snuggle with him. He
would tell me that he wanted to go live with his "real mom." He said
a lot of things that really hurt. But in the last month he is really coming
around again. For a kid who has begged me for years to "hold me" for
hours a day to being physically rejected has been hard. But it is getting back
to a better place. He is less angry. He initiates hugs, kisses, giving me a
neck rub, and snuggles. He laughs and gets silly when I hug and kiss him. He
seems to be back to the way that he was.
Of course, when I ask him "do you trust me?" He will say
"no" and laugh - ever the contradictory child;)
So, overall I am so thankful that God has given us the wisdom to
see what seems to be going on with the kids. They are at a dangerous age and we
need to be on solid ground moving forward. They need to trust us. I think that
we are getting there. I have more hope than I have had in many years. More
often I am feeling the peace and laughter in our home that has been lacking for
too long. We are actually able to go out on family activities and have them go
better than they ever have.
I had dreaded the kids being home for the summer, but this has
been our best summer yet:) Yay for Summer Boot Camp lol!
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Another Timely Sermon
Raising children is very difficult. Raising kids with "special" needs is also difficult. One of my children threatens my perspective more than the others - although they all definitely take turns. "She" is a precious, loving, giving, creative, hard working, affectionate, and attentive to emotions of others child. However, the impulsivity, hyperactivity, and a complete lack of self-control or emotional regulation at times is overwhelming. The arguing. Or Dear Lord! The arguing! Please make it stop!
The morning of the sermon in question was so bad that we kept Buddy home from Sunday School to stay with her because we had to go teach Sunday School and couldn't trust her to not act out if we left the house. We put her in her room, then came back after Sunday School to get her. She was completely calm and apologetic by then. I wish so badly there was an ADHD medication that worked 24/7. All because I told her that the hair clip she wanted to put in her hair did not match her dress...
As I was walking to church with her after Sunday School, I was feeling at my wits end. I was already dreading summertime with us not getting the respite we get when she goes to school. I was considering asking someone to take her for a couple of weeks to give us a break. She does not typically act out for others. The people who have had her 1:1 say that she does well with that ratio. She probably would have done better as an only child... But that is not our reality...
Which leads me to today's sermon. Our pastor started preaching through Colossians the previous week. That was a good sermon too, intellectually. But today really struck me in the heart (so much so that when we had our "what did you think of the sermon" talk during lunch and I was crying I freaked out the kids - they rarely see me cry).
The title of the sermon was "Our Desperate Need and God's Joyful Response." He talked about how we are reconciled with Christ (if we believe in Him as our Lord and Savior) because of His death on the cross. That we have a desperate need for saving and God responded to that need by having Jesus die for us.
In essence, The gospel.
Which Jesus did willingly and joyfully.
He gave the uncomfortable example of the Titanic. In the lifeboats there was 1 captain of a lifeboat who wanted to go back to save more drowning people, but the passengers on the boat said "no" because they were afraid of capsizing the boat and all of them dying. There was a boat where the people said "go save more people" but the captain of the lifeboat said "no" for the similar reason. And there was a boat where the people and the captain all agreed to go save some more, and 13 more were saved. Tragic. Utterly tragic. What would we choose in that type of situation? While I want to be like boat #3, I think that too often I am like boat #1.
Yet, we are those people drowning and Jesus chose to die, die for us. And asks us to be like him and care for his people like he cares for them.
He asks us to care for his children like he cares for them. Sacrificially.
I am desperate for Jesus to sacrificially love me no matter what. And my daughter is desperate for me to love her no matter what. With a joyful response.
Uff da.
I feel so beat down and empty...too often. I feel like I sacrifice for them every moment. Everything I do is centered around taking care of these children. How we have structured and live our lives is completely centered around the needs of these children. Yet, do I have the joyful response to their desperate need? Ummm, nope. There wasn't much joy that morning as I heard pounding on the walls, wondered what would get broken today, and heard the hateful words coming from the room.
But don't I do the same to Jesus? Do I really have my heart set the way I need to with Him or am I in rebellion against him in deed and attitude too?
Ouch.
It is good to belong to a Bible preaching church that challenges us in our sanctification process. I know a lot of people who say that they believe in God but don't think they need to attend church. I am not going to tell others what they should or should not do about that and I completely agree that if church is just a ritual to attend, I am not sure what the benefit is. However, if I did not attend a solid Bible teaching church and was left to my own devices I know I would become more lukewarm and isolated, drowning in my own futile thinking. I need my pastors to be challenging me, and I need others' who I know are thinking Biblically to challenge me and encourage me. In raising these tough kiddos I have become isolated. I hardly ever talk to friends, having lost a lot when we chose to have these kids. It is too time consuming to pour into them and pour into friendships (and pour into others via my job). My best friend is my husband (as it should be) but I recognize that outside friendships are also necessary to help lift us in the Lord. I think we are at a place where I can begin to nurture those again.
To hear the gospel every week (in addition to my Bible reading and prayer time during the week) and saturate myself with Truth when the world wants to keep pulling me away.
That day I needed the reminder: joyfully love the desperate need of my sinful kids. After all, I am just like them and that is what I want Jesus to do for me.
In the past couple of weeks this perspective shift (reminder to preach the gospel to myself) was what I needed. I have been able to maintain perspective and not become as frustrated. I have been able to maintain my joyful response (well, not always exactly joyful but better...;)
Which leads me to my next post : Summer Bootcamp. I am loving it!
Saturday, June 3, 2017
Stay-cation: The Highlights
This was the last year for all 3 of the Middles to attend Royal Family Kids Camp. My husband and I debated and debated if I would take the week off of work and if we would do something special. I felt very guilty about taking time off of work. Being self-employed means that I am never really "off duty." Being self-employed in my field with me being the only employee means that I really am on call 24/7. My job is important to me and I am reluctant to not be available. However, at the last minute I did decide to take the week off. It helped that Monday was a federal holiday so it messed up my work schedule anyway:)
We went back and forth on what to do. Originally I had wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise. However, not only did I not get to my goal weight for our agreement on when we could go on the cruise, my husband feels that the kids are too young to go that far away yet:( Then we talked about taking a couple of days to go fishing a couple of hours away and stay in a cabin. Buddy did not want to go anywhere overnight so we considered going with just JJ. Then we decided to just stay home and take a day trip. It is not like we ever get to have respite from the kiddos. We don't have grandparents/family nearby so it was a big deal to think about the possibilities with the kids gone. In the end, it was nice to just be home:)
The day before the kiddos left we did some fun things together including going for a walk to the cemetery. The flags were all up and we had good discussions about the meaning of Memorial Day, thinking about the soldiers and families who have sacrificed for our freedoms, etc. Of course, having 3 kids on bikes for a mile each way (Faith and I walked) when the street was busier than usual with others going to the cemetery about gave me a heart attack, but we all got home safely (thanks to drivers who were paying attention). We ordered pizza for supper and got packed up.
Monday morning I fed the Middles and my husband took them to the drop off site for camp. Then he continued on the Menards (see why I did not go with? lol!!) The van gave him trouble and then sat in a shop for the next 3 days and cost us the money we saved by not going to a cabin for a couple of days... I told my husband it is time for a new van - a 15 passenger this time to accommodate all of the junk we haul on trips. He is not on board😛
I spent the day doing deep cleaning of closets and other areas of the house. I have misplaced my itouch and really hoped to find it. I never did 😡. It was so quiet in the house. JJ played by himself well and it left me to be productive.
Tuesday - the times of the day that I dislike the most are when the kids wake up and bedtime. If you have a child with ADHD in your house you will understand. When they wake up in the morning (which is early) there are no medications in their body. They are wired. Waking up to slamming doors and other kids yelling "get out of my room!" is not the best way to start the day. We had 4 glorious mornings of no conflict. I got to sleep in until 8 or 9 each morning. I didn't dread the morning. It was good:) Tuesday I kept trying to keep the pace of Monday but my family started to give me grief about my grandiose plans and telling me that I was on vacation - so I should relax. It rubbed me a bit wrong but I gave up by evening and just went with it. I cannot even begin to express to you how wonderful it was to not have bedtime insanity for 4 days. Again, ADHD medications are no longer working by bedtime which makes the lack of self-control of emotions and impulsivity really frustrating. The day time can usually go pretty well - ADHD medications are a wonderful wonderful invention. But they haven't made any yet that work 24/7 as they are stimulants and if they were in therapeutic levels in the blood stream 24/7 the person would not sleep. Which is already an issue anyway.
Ok, moving on. When we reflected on the week my husband and I both agreed that the best part of the week was no fighting upon waking or bedtime. Hear that for what it is...
Tuesday night the 6 of us went to pizza and a movie. It was a very nice time:)
Wednesday 4 of us (it was so fun to spend time with Beautiful this week!) got up and drove 2 hours to an art museum. We had never been to one before so thought it would be nice to get it off of our bucket list while we had 3 less children to worry about breaking things. As it turned out, it was a good thing they weren't there as I got to see first hand about the debate of "is it art or is it porn?" JJ has not let us forget his impressions of the museum - it being the first thing he told his siblings about when they got in the van after camp and him now referring to it as "the naked place." We have decided, as a family, that we must not understand art and have no interest in checking out another art museum... We also went to Cabelas (to make the other 3 adults happy;) I stayed in the car (the van was in the shop so we were squished into the car) with JJ (because we had to carry him out of the museum during a temper tantrum - unfortunately it wasn't the first time we have had to do that and won't be the last - and I was not going into another public setting with him until he calmed down). After a long time we finally went in. My husband had gone in for 1 large purchase. When I got in there he was finishing the transaction. I was handed the receipt to fold it up...and realized that he actually made two large purchases. All I could do at that point was laugh. He put up with the museum. I got to put up with the purchases;) It is a good thing that Cabelas is so far away that we rarely go there lol!
Thursday I decided that I was going to...do nothing. I did force myself to a couple of hours of paperwork, but the rest of the time I just engaged in my most favorite past time of all - reading. I read 3 or 4 books that day. I really, really like to read:) That night I got a phone call out of the blue from the prior foster parents of Superman and Faith. They were attending a softball game for one of their adopted daughters and wanted to see if they could see the kids. They haven't seen them for a long time. Maybe 6 years? So I went down to see them with pictures of the kids, and we made plans to get together later this summer so the kids can see them again. Superman and Faith were only with them for 3 months but they actually remember them and think of them as special people. It is hard for them when JJ gets to have written contact with his birth mom, and Grace used to go visit her grandparents. Since Superman and Faith will never get to have contact with their bio family this foster family is their "before" family to them so we try to stay in touch with Christmas letters, etc.
Friday - I stayed up until 2 Thursday night reading knowing that I wouldn't be able to do it again for a long time lol! Then we slept until 8 (I only ever get 6 hours of sleep so that was normal) and trying to finish up paperwork and odds and ends before the kiddos came back.
When we picked them up Faith came out of the cabin and started sobbing so hard she couldn't speak. I got her in the van then Grace came out clearly having cried but able to talk. Then Superman came out with a smile. Apparently the girls had such a great time they did not want to leave their friends (and Superman handles emotion better than the girls - but he was sad too). It is so special for them to have people totally devoted to them for a week (there is 1 leader for 2 kids) and the entire time being just fun with no chores or responsibilities. It is hard to leave that. I love what Royal Family Kids Camp stands for and how they are run. We are considering sending JJ next year. Superman and Grace aged out of the program this year and next year only Faith and JJ are eligible. It is a great program and I know it is hard for them to come back to reality (doesn't everyone have a hard time coming back from vacation?). However, we braced for the transition and it went really well. The kids got along, we got all of their things sorted and washed and put away, and we were surprised by how well it was going. But... let me just say that the bedtime was about 100x worse than usual.
But that is reality. And we are back to that now...stay-cation is over;)
Next post? We have implemented "Summer Boot Camp!"
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Shopping...With JJ. Oh the Joys;)
Just a small peak into my reality. If you ever see me out shopping? Please don't judge, and please give me grace;)
Friday morning JJ had speech therapy. We were out of a bunch of important food/household items so had gone back and forth over the past couple of days on if we should get them at Walmart 20 minutes away or go to Sam's Club 1 hour away. We decided on Sams. Superman and Faith got done with school on Wednesday, so we left Superman home with Buddy. He was thrilled to get to spend the day reading and relaxing (although several of his friends ended up popping over for fun). I personally think he was the most happy that I wasn't home to tell him to do any more cleaning like Thursday's big cleaning day lol! Anyway, we took Faith with us and after Speech Therapy we headed to the town with Sam's Club.
JJ doesn't do the greatest with car rides. Thursday night he looked at me with surprise on his face and said, "I haven't thrown up in forever!" Well, 2 blocks from the restaurant he informed me he was going to throw up (usually he doesn't get car sick after about 10 a.m., but he has now twice in the past month - but has not the vomiting after eating so that is a plus. I don't think I will ever get this kid figured out!)... I had a bag ready since that is our reality and that got done. We threw the bag away in the restaurant's dumpster and headed inside to Carlos O'Kelly's.
JJ loved that he got to eat unlimited chips and salsa and chowed it down. Then he wanted tacos, but didn't like them when they came. He did, however, like the shrimp on my husband's fajitas and ate.them.all. Then he started in on my husband's beef and chicken. My husband had to hurry up and eat so JJ didn't eat it all lol! Faith and I shared chicken fajitas and she ate JJ's taco. Goofy kid.
Then we made a quick trip to Menards. Faith and I tried to keep JJ occupied while my husband got what was on his list. He was done at the agreed upon time - that must have been a first lol! Once he found us I found other items to throw into the cart and we headed to the check out (I love that Menards now sells cereal!) and Faith was excited to find a discounted a movie:) We got to the front and I learned something else new. I am usually the one who "gets" to watch the children while my husband pays (and shops). I have the children taken to the vehicle and buckled in before he ever gets done paying and to the van. So today I was in the checkout line just waiting with him while trying to keep JJ in one place and he made a comment to me, "it would be helpful if you bagged the items." I stood there looking at the Menards set up and realized...that I have never ever been in the Menards check out. I have always had to take the kids out before that part of the process so did not realize he had to get the items both out of the cart while simultaneously bagging the ones already checked lol! It took me a few minutes to figure out why the process felt so awkward to me - I wonder if, in maybe another 10 years, if I will get to relinquish the role of child watching and rushing to the vehicle lol! I think it will be a stretch for me to actually enjoy shopping through. Right now all I do is flit my eyes from kid to kid to kid with a lot of "don't touch that" "get back here" "stop bothering your siblings" thrown in;)
We left Menards and headed to Walmart. We had 3 things on the list (THREE!!). We made a plan and I told my husband where we were heading. He didn't show up. Then he called and said he was waiting for me up front. We booked it up front and...he wasn't there lol! I finally found him and we got out of there.
Then...we got to Sam's Club. We had a list there too. However, JJ had hit his limit. My husband took off to get the items on the list. I was trying to just browse with the 2 kids. The problem with browsing to keep kids occupied? JJ saw something he actually wanted and would not return to me. Faith and I had to head down 2 different isles to corner him. My husband wasn't answering his phone to tell me where he was or to come help me.We got him wrangled, found my husband, and I got JJ and Faith buckled into the car while...yep...my husband checked out;)
To be completely honest though, this was actually a much better shopping trip than most. I did not actually lay down on the floor and have a tantrum. No, I mean that he, HE, did not actually have a tantrum lol! He did not kick or hit me. He did refuse to come to me and he did try to pull away from me. But it was a pretty low key day compared to the usual. I think that the kids are...finally...growing up lol!
And he didn't get car sick again on the way home. Yay!
If you see some harried mother with her children acting up in a store, please do not assume that she does not discipline her children, and think rude thoughts of her. Extend her mercy;)
I often think of the verse in James in these situations, "Judgment, without mercy, will be shown to those who have not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment." I have to remind myself of this verse plenty myself...
Grace gets out of school next Wednesday. That will be the big test. Grace by herself is great. Grace with any other combination of kids is...explosive. (I don't know if any of you have noticed that we have a very specific order that we sit in our church pew? It is the same every week for a very good reason. Keep Grace FAR away from Buddy and Superman is our peacekeeper). Today was intentionally our last "hurrah" with JJ and Faith before...before...before the realities of summer vacation with all of the kids thrown together 24/7.
But that is for another post;)
Friday morning JJ had speech therapy. We were out of a bunch of important food/household items so had gone back and forth over the past couple of days on if we should get them at Walmart 20 minutes away or go to Sam's Club 1 hour away. We decided on Sams. Superman and Faith got done with school on Wednesday, so we left Superman home with Buddy. He was thrilled to get to spend the day reading and relaxing (although several of his friends ended up popping over for fun). I personally think he was the most happy that I wasn't home to tell him to do any more cleaning like Thursday's big cleaning day lol! Anyway, we took Faith with us and after Speech Therapy we headed to the town with Sam's Club.
JJ doesn't do the greatest with car rides. Thursday night he looked at me with surprise on his face and said, "I haven't thrown up in forever!" Well, 2 blocks from the restaurant he informed me he was going to throw up (usually he doesn't get car sick after about 10 a.m., but he has now twice in the past month - but has not the vomiting after eating so that is a plus. I don't think I will ever get this kid figured out!)... I had a bag ready since that is our reality and that got done. We threw the bag away in the restaurant's dumpster and headed inside to Carlos O'Kelly's.
JJ loved that he got to eat unlimited chips and salsa and chowed it down. Then he wanted tacos, but didn't like them when they came. He did, however, like the shrimp on my husband's fajitas and ate.them.all. Then he started in on my husband's beef and chicken. My husband had to hurry up and eat so JJ didn't eat it all lol! Faith and I shared chicken fajitas and she ate JJ's taco. Goofy kid.
Then we made a quick trip to Menards. Faith and I tried to keep JJ occupied while my husband got what was on his list. He was done at the agreed upon time - that must have been a first lol! Once he found us I found other items to throw into the cart and we headed to the check out (I love that Menards now sells cereal!) and Faith was excited to find a discounted a movie:) We got to the front and I learned something else new. I am usually the one who "gets" to watch the children while my husband pays (and shops). I have the children taken to the vehicle and buckled in before he ever gets done paying and to the van. So today I was in the checkout line just waiting with him while trying to keep JJ in one place and he made a comment to me, "it would be helpful if you bagged the items." I stood there looking at the Menards set up and realized...that I have never ever been in the Menards check out. I have always had to take the kids out before that part of the process so did not realize he had to get the items both out of the cart while simultaneously bagging the ones already checked lol! It took me a few minutes to figure out why the process felt so awkward to me - I wonder if, in maybe another 10 years, if I will get to relinquish the role of child watching and rushing to the vehicle lol! I think it will be a stretch for me to actually enjoy shopping through. Right now all I do is flit my eyes from kid to kid to kid with a lot of "don't touch that" "get back here" "stop bothering your siblings" thrown in;)
We left Menards and headed to Walmart. We had 3 things on the list (THREE!!). We made a plan and I told my husband where we were heading. He didn't show up. Then he called and said he was waiting for me up front. We booked it up front and...he wasn't there lol! I finally found him and we got out of there.
Then...we got to Sam's Club. We had a list there too. However, JJ had hit his limit. My husband took off to get the items on the list. I was trying to just browse with the 2 kids. The problem with browsing to keep kids occupied? JJ saw something he actually wanted and would not return to me. Faith and I had to head down 2 different isles to corner him. My husband wasn't answering his phone to tell me where he was or to come help me.We got him wrangled, found my husband, and I got JJ and Faith buckled into the car while...yep...my husband checked out;)
To be completely honest though, this was actually a much better shopping trip than most. I did not actually lay down on the floor and have a tantrum. No, I mean that he, HE, did not actually have a tantrum lol! He did not kick or hit me. He did refuse to come to me and he did try to pull away from me. But it was a pretty low key day compared to the usual. I think that the kids are...finally...growing up lol!
And he didn't get car sick again on the way home. Yay!
If you see some harried mother with her children acting up in a store, please do not assume that she does not discipline her children, and think rude thoughts of her. Extend her mercy;)
I often think of the verse in James in these situations, "Judgment, without mercy, will be shown to those who have not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment." I have to remind myself of this verse plenty myself...
Grace gets out of school next Wednesday. That will be the big test. Grace by herself is great. Grace with any other combination of kids is...explosive. (I don't know if any of you have noticed that we have a very specific order that we sit in our church pew? It is the same every week for a very good reason. Keep Grace FAR away from Buddy and Superman is our peacekeeper). Today was intentionally our last "hurrah" with JJ and Faith before...before...before the realities of summer vacation with all of the kids thrown together 24/7.
But that is for another post;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)