Nightmares and Migraines

Last night someone had asked me about my headaches and what I had done to help them. It occurred to me that I haven't had one in months. I used to get migraines frequently. I changed food, hydration, supplements, massages, chiropractic adjustments, and all kinds of things to stop the headaches. I also noticed that they were worse during allergy season. I don't get typical seasonal allergy symptoms at all, but the migraines were much more frequent. Tylenol didn't touch them, but if I took an Aleve Cold and Sinus it was gone in hours instead of days. Odd (what about me isn't odd?!?!) Anyway, I was doing pretty good for awhile but I have one starting this morning and am reminded what the biggest culprit for me is..

not enough sleep.

JJ was sleeping so good for about 6 weeks after we got the hot tub. He would get in it every evening and it was helping him with falling asleep and sleeping through the night almost every night. It think he only got up 3 times in 6 weeks. I had such refreshing sleep, no headaches, and loved it.

Of all of the sleep problems that we have dealt with with him, now it is nightmares. He used to just come into our bed, cling to me for safety, and fall right back asleep. However, now he is having nightmares many times a week, and at least once a week they are apparently so scary that he comes to our bed, sits up, and refuses to fall back to sleep. This morning it was 3:30. Thankfully I have learned that I can do the "dual attention stimulation" that is used for EMDR and can have him back to sleep within 30 minutes. If I don't he will literally stay up the rest of the night asking when it will be light out so he can get out of bed. Nightmares are such an enigma to treat. He used to beg me to pray every night that the nightmares would stay away, but now tells me not to because "it doesn't work." I am sad for him.

I thought maybe he was just claiming having a nightmare as an excuse to come to me at night, since I was really insisting that he choose to stay in his own bed all night. So when he would come in I would say "if you need me come and get me, you don't have to claim to have a nightmare to come and get me." But the way he comes in with his body shaking, clinging to me, and refusing to fall back asleep? I don't think he is faking it.

As my Dad always says, "if it isn't one thing, it is another!"

So, in other news. Grace has been great this week. She has not had a meltdown since Monday. That is the longest ever! She admits that she feels happy. She actually smiled yesterday before school and giggled once. I felt so much relief yesterday that there wasn't this horrible oppressive "yuck" of her behavior (or anticipating her behavior) that I did a bunch of cooking and made plans to do some fun Christmas cooking with the girls tomorrow while my husband takes Superman to an all day basketball tournament far away. Normally I would be dreading such an experience, but I am actually looking forward to it!

What a huge difference a week makes! I thank God for the psych nurse and for this medication. The medication does make Grace have a tummyache - but hopefully that will end soon. I am using peppermint on her stomach to help with that. When the psych nurses' LPN called me last week to verify the appointment I had said to her, "we are hoping for miracles!" She responded with, "we will pray for miracles!" I was encouraged by her comment to someone she had never talked to before. Then, yesterday I had to talk to her about insurance. I told her things were going well and how thankful that I was for them. She said, "we will keep praying and praying for Grace. You guys have been through a lot." What a sweet reminder that God has placed His people all around us to help us - even where least expected:)

I will have the kids alone all day tomorrow due to Superman's basketball tournament. I see that as a test of how it can go. Normally I dread those days and retreat into myself to shore up and prepare for chaos and venom. But I am hopeful that it may actually be an enjoyable day with some relationship building:)

It would be better if I was well rested for the experience... hopefully JJ doesn't have any nightmares tonight!

A diagnosis and a plan...

Yesterday we had the appointment with the Pediatric Nurse Practitioner who specializes in pediatric mental health. She was wonderful. She took the time to really hear our concerns and asked very relevant questions. I felt like she was present with us in the room and not just trying to get to her next appointment. She spent a whole hour with us.

She agreed with the diagnosis of ADHD (obviously). She also talked about RAD. As completely weird as that sounds it made me hurt to hear her verbalize that. But she also talked about another diagnosis that, as odd that this sounds, gave me relief.

She believed us. As scary as this diagnosis could be, it was huge validation that we are not just raising a difficult kid, it is not our fault that she is acting this way, and we are not making a big deal out of nothing. It is something. It is a big something.

In the mental health field there is a book that has been revised many times called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). It is what we use to diagnose mental health conditions. It is controversial and many many mental health professionals all want their research to be used or to prove that their viewpoint is better than someone elses. The current revision is the DSM-5. A lot of people are unhappy with this revision, but one good change (in my opinion) was the expansion of the Bipolar Disorder category. It used to be that "everyone" was diagnosed ADHD. Then "everyone" was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. A lot of people felt they were "garbage can" diagnoses for what didn't fit elsewhere. The DSM-5 revision expanded created a new category that I am much more comfortable with for those kids who don't meet full criteria for bipolar disorder, but also have behavior that is "more" than "just" ADHD.

Behavior that is exactly what we deal with in this house.

Tucked away in some research that I read about it, it says that:


"The SMD group had very high rates (≥85%) of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and oppositional-defiant disorder (ODD) over the lifetime"


SMD (Severe Mood Dysregulation) is just the name the research group put on it, it isn't the name of the actual diagnosis as it is currently listed in the DSM-5. But it clearly captures that kids in this category also have a very high likelihood of having the symptoms of ADHD and ODD too, like Grace does. Some researchers argue that it isn't actually any different than "just ADHD and ODD" and therefore there should not actually a new category. But obviously enough argued that it is enough different that it was included in the revision.

Unfortunately, because DMDD is such a new category (only several years old), there isn't a ton of research about it. Especially research on successful treatments. But she was started on a new med and that med has been around for a long time with good clinical trials and results. It remains to be seen if it helps this disorder well or not.

But at the end of the day, I am thankful for a clinician who took the time to hear us. I am thankful that the clinician is hopeful that the medication can mediate the extreme mood swings and constant irritability that she has. I am thankful that there is a medication at all that can be an option other than "just live with it." I am thankful that yesterday, this morning, and tonight's bedtime Grace did well, even with a lot of situations that were outside of her control and routine. She starts therapy on Thursday. We shall see how that goes. It will be very, very weird for me to be on the "other" side of the counseling table lol!
*******

Yesterday we had a pretty good day together, just the 4 of us. Since we had to drive a couple of hours to the appointment we stopped at the Cabela's there and my husband got to pick up some items he had ordered. I played the shooting game with the kids;) Then after the appointment we went to Red Lobster as JJ wanted "big shrimp." He has been asking for "big shrimp" for a few weeks. I cannot believe how much he likes shrimp lol! Grace tried a bite...then spit it out lol! 

We rushed home to get to Grace's Christmas concert for school. We had some items we had to get at Walmart. JJ had a tantrum leaving the store (due to the rushing) and we didn't have time to deal with it due to the rush so it got hairy (I am more than a little scared that many of JJ's behaviors are just like Grace's - except he clearly does not have ADHD. I really hope he doesn't have DMDD too...). I got Grace there 45 minutes before the concert like I was supposed to, and waited in the car until closer to the concert to go inside. She came out crying and said that since she missed school they would not let her participate in the concert. She was hysterical. Hysterical. I was livid. How in the world can taking a child to a psychiatrist office mean they can't participate in a school concert? This appointment was a big factor in whether or not the child even remain in our home and still attend the school. How was it that when we told the school she would be gone, that when the teachers all handed her the slip with her homework on it since she would be missing a day, that NOT A SINGLE PERSON told us that she couldn't attend the concert? We had the option of this appointment or one in February, so obviously we were going to take the first appointment available (who looks at a calendar to see if their kid has a school concert when making psychiatric appointments?!?!). It was a total reminder of why we started homeschooling in the first place (opposed to a school board decision when Beautiful was to start kindergarten...) But, if we would have known ahead of time we wouldn't have rushed home (and would have avoided JJ's meltdown. I was shocked I didn't have to carry him out of the store - only my fear that security would have thought I was stealing him kept me from doing it - at least as he was chasing me and hitting me they knew he was coming willingly...) and would have avoided Grace's meltdown. Ha. Meltdown. Their tantrums are soooo much bigger than a "meltdown."  Anyway. It is over now. Done venting. We will be better prepared next time.

Deep Breath...

However, amazingly, I got her calmed down within 30 minutes and held her while we drank hot chocolate and watched a movie together. Half way through the movie she said "this is better than the concert"  lol! She went to bed (with her new meds) later than usual but didn't have any problems. This morning she actually said, "I am in a good mood." She was surprised that she felt good - and I was elated at a drama free morning!!! She also had a good bedtime tonight. 2 consecutive mornings and bedtimes is as rare as a unicorn. The meds should take full effect within 2 weeks - just in time for Christmas break. Praise God!!!!!

Thanks again for the support and prayers. They are tangibly felt and MUCH appreciated!!

Respite....Sweet, Sweet Respite

I have been overwhelmed with the support and encouragement from my last post. I was so afraid to post it and the response was so much more than I could have imagined. Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I cried many tears of relief over your messages to me.

Last night a very sacrificial friend texted me and asked me if she could take the girls today. There is no way that I wanted to let her do that. I don't want anyone else to have to deal with what we deal with, or watch every single behavior for lies, theft, etc. I didn't want the girls to feel rewarded for their behavior either. Especially since just yesterday Faith stole our itouch (a long broken one, but she didn't know that) and took it to school. My husband discovered it when it fell out of her pocket in the parking lot after school. Grrrrr.  I still haven't found my itouch that has been missing since April. I know she can't be using it as it would show up on the Circle, but I hate that I can't trust her when she says she doesn't have it. 

Anyway...

My friend insisted, saying that we needed it. My husband and I prayed about it and slept on it, and this morning decided to let them go. We needed the break.

I spent 3 hours this morning with them going through a workbook on looking at sin issues in their life like unforgiveness, bitterness, rebellion, etc. Then the girls left for 5 hours. Superman was given the option to go with and play with our friend's son (a friend of our son) or an afternoon without his sisters.

He chose an afternoon without his sisters...

My husband decided to take the opportunity to take him basketball shoe shopping (will this kid stop growing?!?!?! He is only 12 with a size 10.5 shoe!!!!)

That left me alone with Buddy and JJ.  Sweet, sweet respite. I couldn't decide if I should be productive or do nothing. I opted to do nothing. JJ and I watched a funny movie. That was about it. Sat in a dark house with only Christmas lights on and just soaked in quiet. Even Buddy emerged from his room and hung out with us commenting on the peacefulness of the house.

About half way through the time I realized how relaxed my body was. No tension. Just having them gone and not having to be on edge for the next crisis every 90 seconds was such amazing relief. I hate asking for help. I hate accepting help because I absolutely do not want to be a burden on anyone. But I am so glad that my friend insisted that I say yes.

I was so refreshed that when JJ asked to make chocolate chip cookies I said yes! I had enough physical and mental energy to undertaking baking with him. That doesn't happen often enough and normally would never happen on a weekend when I haven't been able to get a break from the girls.

And...I ate oranges and chocolate chip cookies for supper. Because I could;)

I have successfully made it through another day. One I am far less stressed at at the end of than usual. Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers.

And a huge thanks to my friend who took the girls. There are not words to thank her enough:)

Being Very Very Real About our Parenting Struggles...

I have written this post 6 different times over the past 2 months. At first I was so angry at what was going on but didn't want to write a post about anger - so I waited. Then I re-wrote it but I was despairing and it seemed to come across as whining - so I waited. Then I posted again from a place of helplessness - but again didn't want to come across as complaining. Then I felt like we were in a slightly better place so I thought I would try again. But now it is bad again. I guess I want people to know that if they have a hard home life, they are not alone. But I also want our friends to know that we are not ignoring them out of just having better things to do. We miss your friendship. We miss spending time with you. But supervising and parenting our kids is necessary during this season as we face making difficult decisions.

I have wanted to become a Psychologist since I was 7. I didn't know the name of it but I knew what I wanted to become. However, as a teenager I became aware of domestic violence and the difficulty that women have in leaving their abusers. That they blame themselves, they think that the abuser is acting better or said they are sorry so will be better next time, and they don't think their situation would really be better if they left. I almost decided not to become a Psychologist when I learned about these dynamics because I didn't think I could have the patience to work with someone who chose to stay in the dysfunction.

Now I understand. Of course the dynamic is different between same age partners compared to parents and children, but many of the cycles are the same.

I share today not to humiliate my children. Grace's grandparent's have stopped having any contact with her because  (they say) that I was too open and honest about Grace's behavior. So I have hidden the realities of our life from most people since that time and grieved that Grace lost that connection with her grandparents because of my desire to be real with people.  But today I choose to share anyway because I want to be authentic and real (even though I am extremely uncomfortable being vulnerable like this). Parenting is hard. Parenting kids from hard places is traumatic, exhausting, and leaves me feeling like I know nothing. All of the training, conferences, coursework, and degrees that I have do not make this any easier to cope with and do not help me find answers to make any of this better.

It has also left us very isolated. There are some people we are real with, but most people don't understand why we never invite them over, don't pursue time out with them (after all, our kids are no longer nursing or toddlers or even young, so why in the world can't we leave to go get coffee, etc??), why when we are in public we can't just relax and enjoy a conversation because we have to constantly know where our children are at, who they are with, or what they are doing. Why Grace has to be in bed by 7 p.m. or else the world may end. We have even had to make the decision that she can't attend Awana because she gets home too late and is too wound up leading to huge emotional meltdowns those nights and the next morning. Even if we have been real with people I don't think anyone can really understand what it is like to be in our home.

For example, on Wednesday we had a day that was out of routine. To make a long story short (be glad that you aren't reading version 5 of this post lol!) JJ triggered and for the next 4 hours Buddy and I had to restrain, calm, and modulate JJ to get him back to regulated emotions. This used to happen 5 times day. Now it happens maybe twice a month. Better...but still unpredictable and exhausting - not to mention very time consuming.

Our daughters are our biggest source of anxiety at this time. They are both very different in their behaviors but they are both very destructive. We have to patch holes in walls and ceilings. We have to repurchase broken items. We have to closely monitor for stealing. We have to verify every piece of information due to lying. We have to protect other kids from violence. We have to restrict behavior, highly structure activities, and have cameras in our home to make sure that we know exactly what is happening in our home. All of that pales in comparison to the vicious venom that one of our daughters spew that is like a millions shards of glass exploding into all present. It is by far the worst part of all of it.

I find that I am like the domestic violence victim. I blame myself. "If only" is a game I often play in my head. I beat myself up that I am not good enough and am not the right mom for them. Version 5 of the post has a long list of all of the ways I feel inadequate, but I don't need to bore you with my ramblings...  Then I see good behavior for a few hours or a couple of days and I think we finally turned a real corner. Or they apologize and promise it will never happen again.

Things are getting so out of control that we have considered that maybe we are not the best placement for them and they need to go somewhere else and get additional help. We have had professionals advise us to do so.

That absolutely kills me and adds to my feeling that I am doing the "Mom" thing wrong.

Then I ask myself what is their culpability in this? With the trauma they experienced before adoption and the neurological issues they have no control over, what are the realistic expectations I can have of them? I don't know! I go back and forth with what I "should" be able to expect from them. I can't believe that I "should" not be able to expect that my child won't threaten me with the police or physical violence. I "should" be able to expect that my other children don't have to worry about physical harm to them or listen to absolute rageful venom coming out of her mouth. Telling your sibling that s/he doesn't belong and we don't really love him/her, we just put up with them? Seriously??!! That undid months of trust building work.

On the other hand, the trauma that the rest of us go through because of not only the behavior of the girls (and JJ to a lesser degree) but the lack of peace on our home, the fun experiences we have to forgo because we can't trust the girls in that setting, or the trauma of trying experiences to have it be a horrible outcome is overwhelming. What are we doing to the other kids by having them stay in a setting like this? My oldest son is a Senior and I absolutely grieve at what we have missed out on over the past 10 years with him because of these issues!

When I was advised by two professionals that it is time for Grace to go to a more structured setting. I wanted to vent and rail and say "no! some new intervention can happen first! We can hold out a little longer! I don't want her to feel rejected and abandoned!!"

But, how long do we wait? If we wait too long she will be too close to the age of majority and we won't have any options left and will have failed her by not pursuing a higher level of intervention sooner.

But if she leaves that makes me feel like I have given up on her. It will scare the other kids that we will "get rid of" them too. There is just no right answer.

My years of working in Corrections and foster care taught me that the system is very broken. I don't trust it to have the girls' and our family's best interest in heart. It is very hard for me to look to that broken system and hope that it will help. Yet, I don't know what else to do at this point. Professionals telling me Grace needs to be out of the home for now. The Sheriff telling me I need to pursue "Uncontrollable Juvenile" papers.

A month ago I sat the 4 youngest down and talked to them about what was happening. I explained that we have done everything we can for the girls but they won't choose different behavior, so maybe they need a higher level of care than we can give them. Maybe they need to live elsewhere for a time. I told them that I have decided that I have to trust God with their future and if their behavior continues I will start the process of letting other authorities decide what is best for them (call the police and let whatever happens next happen) and trust God to navigate that system for them - in an attempt for Him to get their attention and draw them to Him. It was an extremely emotional conversation for me to have with them and the boys cuddled up to me to comfort me. That was humbling.

However, when the conversation was over I asked them each what they thought. While Grace just said she will stop (she says that when she is not raging, but it doesn't stop the next one from happening) Faith took that conversation as me saying I was giving up on her and was very wounded by it. JJ said he doesn't want anyone to leave. Then Superman spoke up and emotionally said that he has already lost his whole family and doesn't think that he can handle losing more sisters.

That slayed me.  Slayed me.

I don't know what to do! I month ago (before the conversation I just wrote about) Grace was raging against us and pushed Superman, I stepped in to protect Superman. We have to protect the kids from her. Thankfully she is so much smaller than the rest of the kids - so far. But we can't always be present. What about the times we are not present? That happens too often when we can't step in to protect. However, there is no protection from her words. They are like a million shards of glass that spray out to harm all who can hear her.

She never does this for others. When I think of her culpability it hurts to know that she only does this around us. Like it is personal against us. She never ever has problems at school. She doesn't act out for the few people we have let her spend time with (only adults). It is only at home. That hurts! One Saturday a couple of months ago she was TERRIBLE! Way over and above her normal behavior. Around 4 in the afternoon I was trying to figure out what in the world was wrong and realized that I had gotten her up that morning and not my husband so we were out of routine. My husband's routine is to give her her medications - and I DIDN'T!!  There was no doubt that her behavior is substantially helped by the medication. She is on the meds during school time. They don't take effect until she leaves for school and they wear off by supper. Mornings and evenings are a nightmare. So, what does that do with culpability? But our other kids have a right to live in a house where we are not hurt by her verbally or physically, don't they??!?!?! The answer is likely "both." She has some of the behavior due to her neurological issues and some she chooses. How do we know which is which and therefore how to intervene successfully??!?!?!

Argggg. Again, helpless and frustrated.

Lost. Afraid of the future. Afraid for the girls' future. Afraid for the other 4 kids. For the grandbaby.

I am tired of being afraid...I am tired of being torn in 2 and not knowing what direction I am to take.

I have a job where many emotional topics are brought up. I don't cry when other's are crying. I can keep my emotions under wraps. The day Grace went after Superman I cried 3 times. At work. I was a mess.

Some people may say that I shouldn't hang our "dirty laundry" out publicly. However, I think there is more damage when people try to pretend to be something they are not. We don't have it all together. Our family is not perfect. I am not perfect. We are hurting. We are confused. I am not hopeless because I know that I can trust God with whatever the outcome is here, but I sure am not liking the process...

I also want people to know that we are not ignoring them! Our life is really wrapped up in containing kids right now. We feel like prison wardens that require a 24/7 detailed watch of our kids. And they still figure out ways to do ridiculous things. That kind of commitment doesn't allow for any fostering of friendships. I am so thankful that my husband, as the stay at home dad, gets to go hunting at least once a week. He has his friends through hunting and gets to get out of the house. I try to allow for those opportunities for him as much as my schedule allows. He is in the thick of it constantly. At least I get to leave for work.

We have an appointment set up in a week with a psychiatric nurse to look at med changes for Grace and setting up counseling with a therapist I trust. That gives me some hope. Maybe unrealistic hope...but hope none-the-less. Since our talk a month ago I would say that the frequency of behaviors is about 1/2 (but the venomous intensity is still just as horrible when it does happen). We write down the behavior daily so we can take it to the appointment. So maybe things will get better. Maybe not. I don't have any answers at this time. Right now I feel like I am just gaining documentation from other professionals so that when it comes time to have to make different living arrangements for them that I have a paper trail of everything that we have tried so we can justify to an insurance company why one or both of the girls need a therapeutic residential placement somewhere. Then I feel like a terrible mother for even thinking that.

I don't trust that the kids will choose to change. I don't trust that I know how to intervene or that a different intervention will even make a difference. But I do trust that God has this situation covered, has a reason for it, and has a plan. Even if it is His will that nothing changes for the next 50 years, I do trust Him. That is all that gets me through each day...and it is enough:)

Bella has been Born! I am a Nana!

All of us wrote down when we thought that Bella would be born. Our son in law picked 11/14. He prays over Beautiful every morning before work and talks with Bella. Yesterday morning he added that it was the day to be born as it was the day he picked. She was such an obedient daughter to be born last night at 11:22 ;) If that continues it will serve them well when she is a teenager lol!

This weekend I told Beautiful that I was working on the calendars that we give the families for Christmas gifts and I had until 11:59 p.m. on 11/14 to submit the calendars in order to get the discount - so she had to have the baby by then if she wanted her in the calendar. We are laughing about these conversations now!! Of course, I didn't have a picture in time to submit the calendars with her in them, so I waited an extra day and used a different discount because she needs to be in the calendar;).

The biggest joke those has been that she came during rifle season. Which would make her anywhere from 14 to 21 days early. She came 18 days early. My husband, SIL, and daughter are all hunters. When they told me the due date I laughed and said she was going to disrupt their hunting week, which is also crazy busy as we are a deer check in station during that week. Since the men wouldn't let Beautiful hunt she ran the check in station while they hunted and I managed children. It worked great...except that now I have to run it (like usual) when the men go hunt. Beautiful got a lot of questions while she was checking deer - she had to have Grace climb up in the trucks to tag the deer since she couldn't do it herself;)

Yesterday Beautiful told me she thought things were possibly happening that she thought was labor. I got home from work at 7 p.m. and texted if they wanted to come watch a movie her husband had asked to watch. I didn't hear anything. After an hour I finally texted our son in law since it is extremely rare that Beautiful doesn't respond to our texts. He said they were at the hospital and the doc was on his way!

I started crying, wishing I was there to take her pain. My husband was butchering a deer and full of blood but I went to him for a hug anyway. Of course I only got the hug after I reassured him that nothing was wrong, I was just having a silly "my first born is having her first born" moment. I had such a hard time with my 2 deliveries and if I wouldn't have been in a hospital with them I may not have survived. With Beautiful we both likely would have died if we had done a home birth. That is why my husband said after 2 kids that we were not getting pregnant again! So it was a bit nerve wracking for my husband and I to wait for news and not be there - like we could have done anything to help anyway. Our SIL texted a couple of updates and it sounded like things progressed well.

At 12:30 he texted to say that Bella was born at 11:22. I had been asleep for about 30 minutes but there was no more sleeping after that lol! I was worried how things had gone, even though he said all was well. Beautiful started texting a bit until 2. Then she started up again at 4:30 a.m. I got a couple of hours of sleep. I finally went to the couch so the texting wouldn't keep my husband away lol! I figured that my first grand baby was only born once and if I couldn't be with Beautiful at least I could be texting with her:)

How unfair that Bella was born so late at night that I couldn't rush up there and reassure myself that Beautiful was well!  lol!

We told JJ before he went to sleep that Bella was being born. He asked if it would hurt Beautiful. When I told him "yes" he responded with "I am so glad I am not a girl!!!" 

First comments:
Buddy: smiles and thankful that they are all ok
Superman: smiles and "awesome!"
Grace: "you are kidding!?!"
Faith: "are they ok?"
JJ: "is her out!?! She is out of Beautiful's stomach now?!?!  I need to go see her! Where is she? I need to tell her I am her uncle!!"
My husband: "Is she ok?"

As soon as we had the kids off to school in the morning we rushed to the hospital. I was thankful that I only had to work for 1 hour today so we could spend more time with Beautiful, Bella, and our SIL, but also because my brain is pretty much mush today! I got to hold Bella while my SIL went home to shower and Beautiful got in a short nap. I can see how content that I will be to be Nana:)

I remember how completely out of sorts I was when Beautiful was born. So many things happened that I did not prepare for and I did not know what I should do. I am trying to give Beautiful and her husband some advice while also letting them make their own decisions. I keep telling them to tell me to back off if I step on toes. I think the hardest part about being Nana will be keeping that strong boundary. We did it well, I think, when they married and we had to figure out the new dynamic. I am confident we will do a good job of it with this situation too.

My Personal Assistant

For years I have wanted a Personal Assistant. Someone to shadow me and keep my mind straight, help organize me, and do miscellaneous tasks for me that I don't have time for. This spring I hired one...my daughter lol!

While she doesn't shadow me or keep me organized, she does do the miscellaneous tasks that help free up time for me to get other things done. She helps me with work and personal paperwork. A huge help is that part of her duties is helping with the younger kids. I don't have to worry about her feeling like I am taking advantage of her when I ask her to keep at kid for an hour, or run the car pool, or hang out with a kid or 2 at the house while they use my ingredients to cook goodies, etc. She even made the bars that I had to take to the church one Sunday for a dinner lol! She is a better cook so it was a good deal. I was laughing today that I actually had to make myself some chocolate chip cookies today since I ate up the last goodies she made for us;)

If I hired a non-family member to do those things it just wouldn't work. She is a good worker. However, the more pregnant she gets the more I wonder how things will change once the baby is born. She has promised me, though, that Thursday will be Nana days. It is my day off of work and I will get to cuddle Bella those days. I am so excited to be a grandma!

Anyway, I am learning that having Beautiful as my Personal Assistant means that I have to actually be organized enough to tell her what to get done when she shows up for work. Often she asks me what she should be doing next and I haven't gotten myself organized;)  Last week we spent 6+ hours doing sorting and filing for personal and business receipts, etc. Then I spent the next day for 6 hours entering year end data for taxes (yuck!). I had to laugh as she was pretty disgusted with my lack of organization. She said, "you know that when you die I am just throwing all of this away, right?"  I guess I won't need any of the receipts for tax purposes after I die so it will be fine lol! We said that we would stay on top of filing monthly now to make it less arduous. I think one of my problems is that I don't have an office. Maybe once more kids move away I can free up a bedroom for an office but right now I don't have the space for that so it makes it harder to keep things sorted. When we bought this house and remodeled we did it for a family of 4 - that would have been plenty spacious lol!

The biggest change has been my purchasing and now attempting to use a new program for my private practice. It has been a nightmare for me to learn how to use - although once I actually figure out components I am thrilled with how easy it is to use. It is just that steep, REALLY steep, learning curve that I always have with electronics...sigh...  But she is helping me keep other areas organized.

I am thankful for her help and her flexibility. She is keeps forcing me to keep paperwork a priority when the issues with the kids tend to be in crisis mode and the "squeaky wheel gets the grease." We will see how things change once Bella comes, but my hope is that we will make up a new routine and it will work fine. There will be no shortage of people to "watch" Bella. My husband might actually even stick around the house more just so he can get his time with her.  Hunting...grand-daughter... Hmmm.. it will be fun to see which he chooses lol!

So Thankful for Our Hot tub!!

Yesterday was 4 weeks since our hot tub was installed and fully functional. I must say that I am pleased with the results. By far the best outcome so far is that JJ has slept through the night for 29 nights straight!

29 nights! That has never happened in his 7 years!

I know that when people can't sleep they say to drink warm milk or to take a hot bath. Well, we have made him get in the hot tub every night (and by extension I get to as well lol!) He is falling asleep faster and staying asleep in his own bed. The week before we got the hot tub running he had a night when he was up until 1 and one he was up until 3. Now he has been asleep most nights by 11ish. We also got him a fuzzy, soft electric blanket so that keeps him warm all night long. He used to kick off his blankets then crawl in our bed frozen, but I think the hot tub is calming his body enough to sleep and the electric blanket is helping him stay just warm enough to sleep through the night.

I just hope it continues! 

I will say, while I was hesitant to spend the money on a hot tub, a month of sleeping through the night, for the first time since before he came (because of my herniated disk pain before he came) has been worth the cost:)

My back pain also also been improved. I sit in it every day and have found that I am much less sore than usual. I was having a lot of increased pain before we got it, and it seems to be better. I have several times a day when I bend over to pick something up and have no pain. That is very rare for me and when it first was happening 3 weeks ago I would tear up because it was so wonderful to not have the constant chronic pain. I am happy that I am now getting used to being pretty much pain free - but will not take it for granted!  Yesterday I sewed a baby blanket requiring me to sit on the floor some (which I normally cannot do) and stood and chopped peppers to freeze from the garden. Both of those things would usually leave me pretty stiff the next morning. But here I am without any stiffness.

Loving it!

Another benefit has been the calming it gives to my sensory challenged kids. I learned years ago that when the kids are in their "completely out of control" state, that a hot bath is the only way I can get them to calm down. I don't know if it is the heat of the water, the tactile sensory stimulation, or what it is. But it has been very helpful with Grace. If I suggest a bath to her, she always says yes. When JJ is out of control he won't say yes. But we have had a couple of his intense tantrums in the past few days and once I got him to stop hurting me I asked him to get in the hot tub. He usually calms much faster, within minutes.

Brain research shows that there are 2 kinds of tantrums - one where the kid is mad and wanting their own way. Typical tantrum. But for kids with trauma or neurological "stuff," there is another type of tantrum where the kid's brain fires into "all alert" and goes into "fight, flight, or freeze" mode. We have one kid who goes into "freeze" mode. It is scary to watch it. A deer in the headlights experience where it is clear that no information is being processed other than FEAR, FEAR, FEAR.

When our kiddos who go into "fight" mode have their tantrums, it is also scary but mostly from the aspect of keeping us safe, then our property. It is hard to deal with the venom that comes out of their mouths during those times, but what is probably most difficult is the intense shame that happens once their brain calms. They then realize what they did and are worried about the rip to the relationship because of their behavior. If we treated them with harshness in that time frame, it adds to their shame core. But when we physically reconnect with hugs and snuggles and letting them know that we still love them, then relationship repairs much quicker.  Initially they push against us, wanting to push us away before we (in their minds) push them away. In their fear of rejection pushing against us gives them the control. We work through that and move forward. It is frustrating when it happens over, and over, and over...and over. But we also realize that they have little control over it. It is improving with time:)

Anyway, for some reason having them get into the hot tub calms them very quickly and we don't have near as many of the after effects.

I am not so naive as to believe that our hot tub has made sleeping and tantrums all better now. But it is a tool that is working for now, and for that I am thankful for the blessing that it is:)