I have been overwhelmed with the support and encouragement from my last post. I was so afraid to post it and the response was so much more than I could have imagined. Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I cried many tears of relief over your messages to me.
Last night a very sacrificial friend texted me and asked me if she could take the girls today. There is no way that I wanted to let her do that. I don't want anyone else to have to deal with what we deal with, or watch every single behavior for lies, theft, etc. I didn't want the girls to feel rewarded for their behavior either. Especially since just yesterday Faith stole our itouch (a long broken one, but she didn't know that) and took it to school. My husband discovered it when it fell out of her pocket in the parking lot after school. Grrrrr. I still haven't found my itouch that has been missing since April. I know she can't be using it as it would show up on the Circle, but I hate that I can't trust her when she says she doesn't have it.
Anyway...
My friend insisted, saying that we needed it. My husband and I prayed about it and slept on it, and this morning decided to let them go. We needed the break.
I spent 3 hours this morning with them going through a workbook on looking at sin issues in their life like unforgiveness, bitterness, rebellion, etc. Then the girls left for 5 hours. Superman was given the option to go with and play with our friend's son (a friend of our son) or an afternoon without his sisters.
He chose an afternoon without his sisters...
My husband decided to take the opportunity to take him basketball shoe shopping (will this kid stop growing?!?!?! He is only 12 with a size 10.5 shoe!!!!)
That left me alone with Buddy and JJ. Sweet, sweet respite. I couldn't decide if I should be productive or do nothing. I opted to do nothing. JJ and I watched a funny movie. That was about it. Sat in a dark house with only Christmas lights on and just soaked in quiet. Even Buddy emerged from his room and hung out with us commenting on the peacefulness of the house.
About half way through the time I realized how relaxed my body was. No tension. Just having them gone and not having to be on edge for the next crisis every 90 seconds was such amazing relief. I hate asking for help. I hate accepting help because I absolutely do not want to be a burden on anyone. But I am so glad that my friend insisted that I say yes.
I was so refreshed that when JJ asked to make chocolate chip cookies I said yes! I had enough physical and mental energy to undertaking baking with him. That doesn't happen often enough and normally would never happen on a weekend when I haven't been able to get a break from the girls.
And...I ate oranges and chocolate chip cookies for supper. Because I could;)
I have successfully made it through another day. One I am far less stressed at at the end of than usual. Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers.
And a huge thanks to my friend who took the girls. There are not words to thank her enough:)
Saturday, December 9, 2017
Tuesday, December 5, 2017
Being Very Very Real About our Parenting Struggles...
I have written this post 6 different times over the past 2 months. At first I was so angry at what was going on but didn't want to write a post about anger - so I waited. Then I re-wrote it but I was despairing and it seemed to come across as whining - so I waited. Then I posted again from a place of helplessness - but again didn't want to come across as complaining. Then I felt like we were in a slightly better place so I thought I would try again. But now it is bad again. I guess I want people to know that if they have a hard home life, they are not alone. But I also want our friends to know that we are not ignoring them out of just having better things to do. We miss your friendship. We miss spending time with you. But supervising and parenting our kids is necessary during this season as we face making difficult decisions.
I have wanted to become a Psychologist since I was 7. I didn't know the name of it but I knew what I wanted to become. However, as a teenager I became aware of domestic violence and the difficulty that women have in leaving their abusers. That they blame themselves, they think that the abuser is acting better or said they are sorry so will be better next time, and they don't think their situation would really be better if they left. I almost decided not to become a Psychologist when I learned about these dynamics because I didn't think I could have the patience to work with someone who chose to stay in the dysfunction.
Now I understand. Of course the dynamic is different between same age partners compared to parents and children, but many of the cycles are the same.
I share today not to humiliate my children. Grace's grandparent's have stopped having any contact with her because (they say) that I was too open and honest about Grace's behavior. So I have hidden the realities of our life from most people since that time and grieved that Grace lost that connection with her grandparents because of my desire to be real with people. But today I choose to share anyway because I want to be authentic and real (even though I am extremely uncomfortable being vulnerable like this). Parenting is hard. Parenting kids from hard places is traumatic, exhausting, and leaves me feeling like I know nothing. All of the training, conferences, coursework, and degrees that I have do not make this any easier to cope with and do not help me find answers to make any of this better.
It has also left us very isolated. There are some people we are real with, but most people don't understand why we never invite them over, don't pursue time out with them (after all, our kids are no longer nursing or toddlers or even young, so why in the world can't we leave to go get coffee, etc??), why when we are in public we can't just relax and enjoy a conversation because we have to constantly know where our children are at, who they are with, or what they are doing. Why Grace has to be in bed by 7 p.m. or else the world may end. We have even had to make the decision that she can't attend Awana because she gets home too late and is too wound up leading to huge emotional meltdowns those nights and the next morning. Even if we have been real with people I don't think anyone can really understand what it is like to be in our home.
For example, on Wednesday we had a day that was out of routine. To make a long story short (be glad that you aren't reading version 5 of this post lol!) JJ triggered and for the next 4 hours Buddy and I had to restrain, calm, and modulate JJ to get him back to regulated emotions. This used to happen 5 times day. Now it happens maybe twice a month. Better...but still unpredictable and exhausting - not to mention very time consuming.
Our daughters are our biggest source of anxiety at this time. They are both very different in their behaviors but they are both very destructive. We have to patch holes in walls and ceilings. We have to repurchase broken items. We have to closely monitor for stealing. We have to verify every piece of information due to lying. We have to protect other kids from violence. We have to restrict behavior, highly structure activities, and have cameras in our home to make sure that we know exactly what is happening in our home. All of that pales in comparison to the vicious venom that one of our daughters spew that is like a millions shards of glass exploding into all present. It is by far the worst part of all of it.
I find that I am like the domestic violence victim. I blame myself. "If only" is a game I often play in my head. I beat myself up that I am not good enough and am not the right mom for them. Version 5 of the post has a long list of all of the ways I feel inadequate, but I don't need to bore you with my ramblings... Then I see good behavior for a few hours or a couple of days and I think we finally turned a real corner. Or they apologize and promise it will never happen again.
Things are getting so out of control that we have considered that maybe we are not the best placement for them and they need to go somewhere else and get additional help. We have had professionals advise us to do so.
That absolutely kills me and adds to my feeling that I am doing the "Mom" thing wrong.
Then I ask myself what is their culpability in this? With the trauma they experienced before adoption and the neurological issues they have no control over, what are the realistic expectations I can have of them? I don't know! I go back and forth with what I "should" be able to expect from them. I can't believe that I "should" not be able to expect that my child won't threaten me with the police or physical violence. I "should" be able to expect that my other children don't have to worry about physical harm to them or listen to absolute rageful venom coming out of her mouth. Telling your sibling that s/he doesn't belong and we don't really love him/her, we just put up with them? Seriously??!! That undid months of trust building work.
On the other hand, the trauma that the rest of us go through because of not only the behavior of the girls (and JJ to a lesser degree) but the lack of peace on our home, the fun experiences we have to forgo because we can't trust the girls in that setting, or the trauma of trying experiences to have it be a horrible outcome is overwhelming. What are we doing to the other kids by having them stay in a setting like this? My oldest son is a Senior and I absolutely grieve at what we have missed out on over the past 10 years with him because of these issues!
When I was advised by two professionals that it is time for Grace to go to a more structured setting. I wanted to vent and rail and say "no! some new intervention can happen first! We can hold out a little longer! I don't want her to feel rejected and abandoned!!"
But, how long do we wait? If we wait too long she will be too close to the age of majority and we won't have any options left and will have failed her by not pursuing a higher level of intervention sooner.
But if she leaves that makes me feel like I have given up on her. It will scare the other kids that we will "get rid of" them too. There is just no right answer.
My years of working in Corrections and foster care taught me that the system is very broken. I don't trust it to have the girls' and our family's best interest in heart. It is very hard for me to look to that broken system and hope that it will help. Yet, I don't know what else to do at this point. Professionals telling me Grace needs to be out of the home for now. The Sheriff telling me I need to pursue "Uncontrollable Juvenile" papers.
A month ago I sat the 4 youngest down and talked to them about what was happening. I explained that we have done everything we can for the girls but they won't choose different behavior, so maybe they need a higher level of care than we can give them. Maybe they need to live elsewhere for a time. I told them that I have decided that I have to trust God with their future and if their behavior continues I will start the process of letting other authorities decide what is best for them (call the police and let whatever happens next happen) and trust God to navigate that system for them - in an attempt for Him to get their attention and draw them to Him. It was an extremely emotional conversation for me to have with them and the boys cuddled up to me to comfort me. That was humbling.
However, when the conversation was over I asked them each what they thought. While Grace just said she will stop (she says that when she is not raging, but it doesn't stop the next one from happening) Faith took that conversation as me saying I was giving up on her and was very wounded by it. JJ said he doesn't want anyone to leave. Then Superman spoke up and emotionally said that he has already lost his whole family and doesn't think that he can handle losing more sisters.
That slayed me. Slayed me.
I don't know what to do! I month ago (before the conversation I just wrote about) Grace was raging against us and pushed Superman, I stepped in to protect Superman. We have to protect the kids from her. Thankfully she is so much smaller than the rest of the kids - so far. But we can't always be present. What about the times we are not present? That happens too often when we can't step in to protect. However, there is no protection from her words. They are like a million shards of glass that spray out to harm all who can hear her.
She never does this for others. When I think of her culpability it hurts to know that she only does this around us. Like it is personal against us. She never ever has problems at school. She doesn't act out for the few people we have let her spend time with (only adults). It is only at home. That hurts! One Saturday a couple of months ago she was TERRIBLE! Way over and above her normal behavior. Around 4 in the afternoon I was trying to figure out what in the world was wrong and realized that I had gotten her up that morning and not my husband so we were out of routine. My husband's routine is to give her her medications - and I DIDN'T!! There was no doubt that her behavior is substantially helped by the medication. She is on the meds during school time. They don't take effect until she leaves for school and they wear off by supper. Mornings and evenings are a nightmare. So, what does that do with culpability? But our other kids have a right to live in a house where we are not hurt by her verbally or physically, don't they??!?!?! The answer is likely "both." She has some of the behavior due to her neurological issues and some she chooses. How do we know which is which and therefore how to intervene successfully??!?!?!
Argggg. Again, helpless and frustrated.
Lost. Afraid of the future. Afraid for the girls' future. Afraid for the other 4 kids. For the grandbaby.
I am tired of being afraid...I am tired of being torn in 2 and not knowing what direction I am to take.
I have a job where many emotional topics are brought up. I don't cry when other's are crying. I can keep my emotions under wraps. The day Grace went after Superman I cried 3 times. At work. I was a mess.
Some people may say that I shouldn't hang our "dirty laundry" out publicly. However, I think there is more damage when people try to pretend to be something they are not. We don't have it all together. Our family is not perfect. I am not perfect. We are hurting. We are confused. I am not hopeless because I know that I can trust God with whatever the outcome is here, but I sure am not liking the process...
I also want people to know that we are not ignoring them! Our life is really wrapped up in containing kids right now. We feel like prison wardens that require a 24/7 detailed watch of our kids. And they still figure out ways to do ridiculous things. That kind of commitment doesn't allow for any fostering of friendships. I am so thankful that my husband, as the stay at home dad, gets to go hunting at least once a week. He has his friends through hunting and gets to get out of the house. I try to allow for those opportunities for him as much as my schedule allows. He is in the thick of it constantly. At least I get to leave for work.
We have an appointment set up in a week with a psychiatric nurse to look at med changes for Grace and setting up counseling with a therapist I trust. That gives me some hope. Maybe unrealistic hope...but hope none-the-less. Since our talk a month ago I would say that the frequency of behaviors is about 1/2 (but the venomous intensity is still just as horrible when it does happen). We write down the behavior daily so we can take it to the appointment. So maybe things will get better. Maybe not. I don't have any answers at this time. Right now I feel like I am just gaining documentation from other professionals so that when it comes time to have to make different living arrangements for them that I have a paper trail of everything that we have tried so we can justify to an insurance company why one or both of the girls need a therapeutic residential placement somewhere. Then I feel like a terrible mother for even thinking that.
I don't trust that the kids will choose to change. I don't trust that I know how to intervene or that a different intervention will even make a difference. But I do trust that God has this situation covered, has a reason for it, and has a plan. Even if it is His will that nothing changes for the next 50 years, I do trust Him. That is all that gets me through each day...and it is enough:)
I have wanted to become a Psychologist since I was 7. I didn't know the name of it but I knew what I wanted to become. However, as a teenager I became aware of domestic violence and the difficulty that women have in leaving their abusers. That they blame themselves, they think that the abuser is acting better or said they are sorry so will be better next time, and they don't think their situation would really be better if they left. I almost decided not to become a Psychologist when I learned about these dynamics because I didn't think I could have the patience to work with someone who chose to stay in the dysfunction.
Now I understand. Of course the dynamic is different between same age partners compared to parents and children, but many of the cycles are the same.
I share today not to humiliate my children. Grace's grandparent's have stopped having any contact with her because (they say) that I was too open and honest about Grace's behavior. So I have hidden the realities of our life from most people since that time and grieved that Grace lost that connection with her grandparents because of my desire to be real with people. But today I choose to share anyway because I want to be authentic and real (even though I am extremely uncomfortable being vulnerable like this). Parenting is hard. Parenting kids from hard places is traumatic, exhausting, and leaves me feeling like I know nothing. All of the training, conferences, coursework, and degrees that I have do not make this any easier to cope with and do not help me find answers to make any of this better.
It has also left us very isolated. There are some people we are real with, but most people don't understand why we never invite them over, don't pursue time out with them (after all, our kids are no longer nursing or toddlers or even young, so why in the world can't we leave to go get coffee, etc??), why when we are in public we can't just relax and enjoy a conversation because we have to constantly know where our children are at, who they are with, or what they are doing. Why Grace has to be in bed by 7 p.m. or else the world may end. We have even had to make the decision that she can't attend Awana because she gets home too late and is too wound up leading to huge emotional meltdowns those nights and the next morning. Even if we have been real with people I don't think anyone can really understand what it is like to be in our home.
For example, on Wednesday we had a day that was out of routine. To make a long story short (be glad that you aren't reading version 5 of this post lol!) JJ triggered and for the next 4 hours Buddy and I had to restrain, calm, and modulate JJ to get him back to regulated emotions. This used to happen 5 times day. Now it happens maybe twice a month. Better...but still unpredictable and exhausting - not to mention very time consuming.
Our daughters are our biggest source of anxiety at this time. They are both very different in their behaviors but they are both very destructive. We have to patch holes in walls and ceilings. We have to repurchase broken items. We have to closely monitor for stealing. We have to verify every piece of information due to lying. We have to protect other kids from violence. We have to restrict behavior, highly structure activities, and have cameras in our home to make sure that we know exactly what is happening in our home. All of that pales in comparison to the vicious venom that one of our daughters spew that is like a millions shards of glass exploding into all present. It is by far the worst part of all of it.
I find that I am like the domestic violence victim. I blame myself. "If only" is a game I often play in my head. I beat myself up that I am not good enough and am not the right mom for them. Version 5 of the post has a long list of all of the ways I feel inadequate, but I don't need to bore you with my ramblings... Then I see good behavior for a few hours or a couple of days and I think we finally turned a real corner. Or they apologize and promise it will never happen again.
Things are getting so out of control that we have considered that maybe we are not the best placement for them and they need to go somewhere else and get additional help. We have had professionals advise us to do so.
That absolutely kills me and adds to my feeling that I am doing the "Mom" thing wrong.
Then I ask myself what is their culpability in this? With the trauma they experienced before adoption and the neurological issues they have no control over, what are the realistic expectations I can have of them? I don't know! I go back and forth with what I "should" be able to expect from them. I can't believe that I "should" not be able to expect that my child won't threaten me with the police or physical violence. I "should" be able to expect that my other children don't have to worry about physical harm to them or listen to absolute rageful venom coming out of her mouth. Telling your sibling that s/he doesn't belong and we don't really love him/her, we just put up with them? Seriously??!! That undid months of trust building work.
On the other hand, the trauma that the rest of us go through because of not only the behavior of the girls (and JJ to a lesser degree) but the lack of peace on our home, the fun experiences we have to forgo because we can't trust the girls in that setting, or the trauma of trying experiences to have it be a horrible outcome is overwhelming. What are we doing to the other kids by having them stay in a setting like this? My oldest son is a Senior and I absolutely grieve at what we have missed out on over the past 10 years with him because of these issues!
When I was advised by two professionals that it is time for Grace to go to a more structured setting. I wanted to vent and rail and say "no! some new intervention can happen first! We can hold out a little longer! I don't want her to feel rejected and abandoned!!"
But, how long do we wait? If we wait too long she will be too close to the age of majority and we won't have any options left and will have failed her by not pursuing a higher level of intervention sooner.
But if she leaves that makes me feel like I have given up on her. It will scare the other kids that we will "get rid of" them too. There is just no right answer.
My years of working in Corrections and foster care taught me that the system is very broken. I don't trust it to have the girls' and our family's best interest in heart. It is very hard for me to look to that broken system and hope that it will help. Yet, I don't know what else to do at this point. Professionals telling me Grace needs to be out of the home for now. The Sheriff telling me I need to pursue "Uncontrollable Juvenile" papers.
A month ago I sat the 4 youngest down and talked to them about what was happening. I explained that we have done everything we can for the girls but they won't choose different behavior, so maybe they need a higher level of care than we can give them. Maybe they need to live elsewhere for a time. I told them that I have decided that I have to trust God with their future and if their behavior continues I will start the process of letting other authorities decide what is best for them (call the police and let whatever happens next happen) and trust God to navigate that system for them - in an attempt for Him to get their attention and draw them to Him. It was an extremely emotional conversation for me to have with them and the boys cuddled up to me to comfort me. That was humbling.
However, when the conversation was over I asked them each what they thought. While Grace just said she will stop (she says that when she is not raging, but it doesn't stop the next one from happening) Faith took that conversation as me saying I was giving up on her and was very wounded by it. JJ said he doesn't want anyone to leave. Then Superman spoke up and emotionally said that he has already lost his whole family and doesn't think that he can handle losing more sisters.
That slayed me. Slayed me.
I don't know what to do! I month ago (before the conversation I just wrote about) Grace was raging against us and pushed Superman, I stepped in to protect Superman. We have to protect the kids from her. Thankfully she is so much smaller than the rest of the kids - so far. But we can't always be present. What about the times we are not present? That happens too often when we can't step in to protect. However, there is no protection from her words. They are like a million shards of glass that spray out to harm all who can hear her.
She never does this for others. When I think of her culpability it hurts to know that she only does this around us. Like it is personal against us. She never ever has problems at school. She doesn't act out for the few people we have let her spend time with (only adults). It is only at home. That hurts! One Saturday a couple of months ago she was TERRIBLE! Way over and above her normal behavior. Around 4 in the afternoon I was trying to figure out what in the world was wrong and realized that I had gotten her up that morning and not my husband so we were out of routine. My husband's routine is to give her her medications - and I DIDN'T!! There was no doubt that her behavior is substantially helped by the medication. She is on the meds during school time. They don't take effect until she leaves for school and they wear off by supper. Mornings and evenings are a nightmare. So, what does that do with culpability? But our other kids have a right to live in a house where we are not hurt by her verbally or physically, don't they??!?!?! The answer is likely "both." She has some of the behavior due to her neurological issues and some she chooses. How do we know which is which and therefore how to intervene successfully??!?!?!
Argggg. Again, helpless and frustrated.
Lost. Afraid of the future. Afraid for the girls' future. Afraid for the other 4 kids. For the grandbaby.
I am tired of being afraid...I am tired of being torn in 2 and not knowing what direction I am to take.
I have a job where many emotional topics are brought up. I don't cry when other's are crying. I can keep my emotions under wraps. The day Grace went after Superman I cried 3 times. At work. I was a mess.
Some people may say that I shouldn't hang our "dirty laundry" out publicly. However, I think there is more damage when people try to pretend to be something they are not. We don't have it all together. Our family is not perfect. I am not perfect. We are hurting. We are confused. I am not hopeless because I know that I can trust God with whatever the outcome is here, but I sure am not liking the process...
I also want people to know that we are not ignoring them! Our life is really wrapped up in containing kids right now. We feel like prison wardens that require a 24/7 detailed watch of our kids. And they still figure out ways to do ridiculous things. That kind of commitment doesn't allow for any fostering of friendships. I am so thankful that my husband, as the stay at home dad, gets to go hunting at least once a week. He has his friends through hunting and gets to get out of the house. I try to allow for those opportunities for him as much as my schedule allows. He is in the thick of it constantly. At least I get to leave for work.
We have an appointment set up in a week with a psychiatric nurse to look at med changes for Grace and setting up counseling with a therapist I trust. That gives me some hope. Maybe unrealistic hope...but hope none-the-less. Since our talk a month ago I would say that the frequency of behaviors is about 1/2 (but the venomous intensity is still just as horrible when it does happen). We write down the behavior daily so we can take it to the appointment. So maybe things will get better. Maybe not. I don't have any answers at this time. Right now I feel like I am just gaining documentation from other professionals so that when it comes time to have to make different living arrangements for them that I have a paper trail of everything that we have tried so we can justify to an insurance company why one or both of the girls need a therapeutic residential placement somewhere. Then I feel like a terrible mother for even thinking that.
I don't trust that the kids will choose to change. I don't trust that I know how to intervene or that a different intervention will even make a difference. But I do trust that God has this situation covered, has a reason for it, and has a plan. Even if it is His will that nothing changes for the next 50 years, I do trust Him. That is all that gets me through each day...and it is enough:)
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Bella has been Born! I am a Nana!
All of us wrote down when we thought that Bella would be born. Our son in law picked 11/14. He prays over Beautiful every morning before work and talks with Bella. Yesterday morning he added that it was the day to be born as it was the day he picked. She was such an obedient daughter to be born last night at 11:22 ;) If that continues it will serve them well when she is a teenager lol!
This weekend I told Beautiful that I was working on the calendars that we give the families for Christmas gifts and I had until 11:59 p.m. on 11/14 to submit the calendars in order to get the discount - so she had to have the baby by then if she wanted her in the calendar. We are laughing about these conversations now!! Of course, I didn't have a picture in time to submit the calendars with her in them, so I waited an extra day and used a different discount because she needs to be in the calendar;).
The biggest joke those has been that she came during rifle season. Which would make her anywhere from 14 to 21 days early. She came 18 days early. My husband, SIL, and daughter are all hunters. When they told me the due date I laughed and said she was going to disrupt their hunting week, which is also crazy busy as we are a deer check in station during that week. Since the men wouldn't let Beautiful hunt she ran the check in station while they hunted and I managed children. It worked great...except that now I have to run it (like usual) when the men go hunt. Beautiful got a lot of questions while she was checking deer - she had to have Grace climb up in the trucks to tag the deer since she couldn't do it herself;)
Yesterday Beautiful told me she thought things were possibly happening that she thought was labor. I got home from work at 7 p.m. and texted if they wanted to come watch a movie her husband had asked to watch. I didn't hear anything. After an hour I finally texted our son in law since it is extremely rare that Beautiful doesn't respond to our texts. He said they were at the hospital and the doc was on his way!
I started crying, wishing I was there to take her pain. My husband was butchering a deer and full of blood but I went to him for a hug anyway. Of course I only got the hug after I reassured him that nothing was wrong, I was just having a silly "my first born is having her first born" moment. I had such a hard time with my 2 deliveries and if I wouldn't have been in a hospital with them I may not have survived. With Beautiful we both likely would have died if we had done a home birth. That is why my husband said after 2 kids that we were not getting pregnant again! So it was a bit nerve wracking for my husband and I to wait for news and not be there - like we could have done anything to help anyway. Our SIL texted a couple of updates and it sounded like things progressed well.
At 12:30 he texted to say that Bella was born at 11:22. I had been asleep for about 30 minutes but there was no more sleeping after that lol! I was worried how things had gone, even though he said all was well. Beautiful started texting a bit until 2. Then she started up again at 4:30 a.m. I got a couple of hours of sleep. I finally went to the couch so the texting wouldn't keep my husband away lol! I figured that my first grand baby was only born once and if I couldn't be with Beautiful at least I could be texting with her:)
How unfair that Bella was born so late at night that I couldn't rush up there and reassure myself that Beautiful was well! lol!
We told JJ before he went to sleep that Bella was being born. He asked if it would hurt Beautiful. When I told him "yes" he responded with "I am so glad I am not a girl!!!"
First comments:
Buddy: smiles and thankful that they are all ok
Superman: smiles and "awesome!"
Grace: "you are kidding!?!"
Faith: "are they ok?"
JJ: "is her out!?! She is out of Beautiful's stomach now?!?! I need to go see her! Where is she? I need to tell her I am her uncle!!"
My husband: "Is she ok?"
As soon as we had the kids off to school in the morning we rushed to the hospital. I was thankful that I only had to work for 1 hour today so we could spend more time with Beautiful, Bella, and our SIL, but also because my brain is pretty much mush today! I got to hold Bella while my SIL went home to shower and Beautiful got in a short nap. I can see how content that I will be to be Nana:)
I remember how completely out of sorts I was when Beautiful was born. So many things happened that I did not prepare for and I did not know what I should do. I am trying to give Beautiful and her husband some advice while also letting them make their own decisions. I keep telling them to tell me to back off if I step on toes. I think the hardest part about being Nana will be keeping that strong boundary. We did it well, I think, when they married and we had to figure out the new dynamic. I am confident we will do a good job of it with this situation too.
Thursday, November 9, 2017
My Personal Assistant
For years I have wanted a Personal Assistant. Someone to shadow me and keep my mind straight, help organize me, and do miscellaneous tasks for me that I don't have time for. This spring I hired one...my daughter lol!
While she doesn't shadow me or keep me organized, she does do the miscellaneous tasks that help free up time for me to get other things done. She helps me with work and personal paperwork. A huge help is that part of her duties is helping with the younger kids. I don't have to worry about her feeling like I am taking advantage of her when I ask her to keep at kid for an hour, or run the car pool, or hang out with a kid or 2 at the house while they use my ingredients to cook goodies, etc. She even made the bars that I had to take to the church one Sunday for a dinner lol! She is a better cook so it was a good deal. I was laughing today that I actually had to make myself some chocolate chip cookies today since I ate up the last goodies she made for us;)
If I hired a non-family member to do those things it just wouldn't work. She is a good worker. However, the more pregnant she gets the more I wonder how things will change once the baby is born. She has promised me, though, that Thursday will be Nana days. It is my day off of work and I will get to cuddle Bella those days. I am so excited to be a grandma!
Anyway, I am learning that having Beautiful as my Personal Assistant means that I have to actually be organized enough to tell her what to get done when she shows up for work. Often she asks me what she should be doing next and I haven't gotten myself organized;) Last week we spent 6+ hours doing sorting and filing for personal and business receipts, etc. Then I spent the next day for 6 hours entering year end data for taxes (yuck!). I had to laugh as she was pretty disgusted with my lack of organization. She said, "you know that when you die I am just throwing all of this away, right?" I guess I won't need any of the receipts for tax purposes after I die so it will be fine lol! We said that we would stay on top of filing monthly now to make it less arduous. I think one of my problems is that I don't have an office. Maybe once more kids move away I can free up a bedroom for an office but right now I don't have the space for that so it makes it harder to keep things sorted. When we bought this house and remodeled we did it for a family of 4 - that would have been plenty spacious lol!
The biggest change has been my purchasing and now attempting to use a new program for my private practice. It has been a nightmare for me to learn how to use - although once I actually figure out components I am thrilled with how easy it is to use. It is just that steep, REALLY steep, learning curve that I always have with electronics...sigh... But she is helping me keep other areas organized.
I am thankful for her help and her flexibility. She is keeps forcing me to keep paperwork a priority when the issues with the kids tend to be in crisis mode and the "squeaky wheel gets the grease." We will see how things change once Bella comes, but my hope is that we will make up a new routine and it will work fine. There will be no shortage of people to "watch" Bella. My husband might actually even stick around the house more just so he can get his time with her. Hunting...grand-daughter... Hmmm.. it will be fun to see which he chooses lol!
While she doesn't shadow me or keep me organized, she does do the miscellaneous tasks that help free up time for me to get other things done. She helps me with work and personal paperwork. A huge help is that part of her duties is helping with the younger kids. I don't have to worry about her feeling like I am taking advantage of her when I ask her to keep at kid for an hour, or run the car pool, or hang out with a kid or 2 at the house while they use my ingredients to cook goodies, etc. She even made the bars that I had to take to the church one Sunday for a dinner lol! She is a better cook so it was a good deal. I was laughing today that I actually had to make myself some chocolate chip cookies today since I ate up the last goodies she made for us;)
If I hired a non-family member to do those things it just wouldn't work. She is a good worker. However, the more pregnant she gets the more I wonder how things will change once the baby is born. She has promised me, though, that Thursday will be Nana days. It is my day off of work and I will get to cuddle Bella those days. I am so excited to be a grandma!
Anyway, I am learning that having Beautiful as my Personal Assistant means that I have to actually be organized enough to tell her what to get done when she shows up for work. Often she asks me what she should be doing next and I haven't gotten myself organized;) Last week we spent 6+ hours doing sorting and filing for personal and business receipts, etc. Then I spent the next day for 6 hours entering year end data for taxes (yuck!). I had to laugh as she was pretty disgusted with my lack of organization. She said, "you know that when you die I am just throwing all of this away, right?" I guess I won't need any of the receipts for tax purposes after I die so it will be fine lol! We said that we would stay on top of filing monthly now to make it less arduous. I think one of my problems is that I don't have an office. Maybe once more kids move away I can free up a bedroom for an office but right now I don't have the space for that so it makes it harder to keep things sorted. When we bought this house and remodeled we did it for a family of 4 - that would have been plenty spacious lol!
The biggest change has been my purchasing and now attempting to use a new program for my private practice. It has been a nightmare for me to learn how to use - although once I actually figure out components I am thrilled with how easy it is to use. It is just that steep, REALLY steep, learning curve that I always have with electronics...sigh... But she is helping me keep other areas organized.
I am thankful for her help and her flexibility. She is keeps forcing me to keep paperwork a priority when the issues with the kids tend to be in crisis mode and the "squeaky wheel gets the grease." We will see how things change once Bella comes, but my hope is that we will make up a new routine and it will work fine. There will be no shortage of people to "watch" Bella. My husband might actually even stick around the house more just so he can get his time with her. Hunting...grand-daughter... Hmmm.. it will be fun to see which he chooses lol!
Saturday, October 21, 2017
So Thankful for Our Hot tub!!
Yesterday was 4 weeks since our hot tub was installed and fully functional. I must say that I am pleased with the results. By far the best outcome so far is that JJ has slept through the night for 29 nights straight!
29 nights! That has never happened in his 7 years!
I know that when people can't sleep they say to drink warm milk or to take a hot bath. Well, we have made him get in the hot tub every night (and by extension I get to as well lol!) He is falling asleep faster and staying asleep in his own bed. The week before we got the hot tub running he had a night when he was up until 1 and one he was up until 3. Now he has been asleep most nights by 11ish. We also got him a fuzzy, soft electric blanket so that keeps him warm all night long. He used to kick off his blankets then crawl in our bed frozen, but I think the hot tub is calming his body enough to sleep and the electric blanket is helping him stay just warm enough to sleep through the night.
I just hope it continues!
I will say, while I was hesitant to spend the money on a hot tub, a month of sleeping through the night, for the first time since before he came (because of my herniated disk pain before he came) has been worth the cost:)
My back pain also also been improved. I sit in it every day and have found that I am much less sore than usual. I was having a lot of increased pain before we got it, and it seems to be better. I have several times a day when I bend over to pick something up and have no pain. That is very rare for me and when it first was happening 3 weeks ago I would tear up because it was so wonderful to not have the constant chronic pain. I am happy that I am now getting used to being pretty much pain free - but will not take it for granted! Yesterday I sewed a baby blanket requiring me to sit on the floor some (which I normally cannot do) and stood and chopped peppers to freeze from the garden. Both of those things would usually leave me pretty stiff the next morning. But here I am without any stiffness.
Loving it!
Another benefit has been the calming it gives to my sensory challenged kids. I learned years ago that when the kids are in their "completely out of control" state, that a hot bath is the only way I can get them to calm down. I don't know if it is the heat of the water, the tactile sensory stimulation, or what it is. But it has been very helpful with Grace. If I suggest a bath to her, she always says yes. When JJ is out of control he won't say yes. But we have had a couple of his intense tantrums in the past few days and once I got him to stop hurting me I asked him to get in the hot tub. He usually calms much faster, within minutes.
Brain research shows that there are 2 kinds of tantrums - one where the kid is mad and wanting their own way. Typical tantrum. But for kids with trauma or neurological "stuff," there is another type of tantrum where the kid's brain fires into "all alert" and goes into "fight, flight, or freeze" mode. We have one kid who goes into "freeze" mode. It is scary to watch it. A deer in the headlights experience where it is clear that no information is being processed other than FEAR, FEAR, FEAR.
When our kiddos who go into "fight" mode have their tantrums, it is also scary but mostly from the aspect of keeping us safe, then our property. It is hard to deal with the venom that comes out of their mouths during those times, but what is probably most difficult is the intense shame that happens once their brain calms. They then realize what they did and are worried about the rip to the relationship because of their behavior. If we treated them with harshness in that time frame, it adds to their shame core. But when we physically reconnect with hugs and snuggles and letting them know that we still love them, then relationship repairs much quicker. Initially they push against us, wanting to push us away before we (in their minds) push them away. In their fear of rejection pushing against us gives them the control. We work through that and move forward. It is frustrating when it happens over, and over, and over...and over. But we also realize that they have little control over it. It is improving with time:)
Anyway, for some reason having them get into the hot tub calms them very quickly and we don't have near as many of the after effects.
I am not so naive as to believe that our hot tub has made sleeping and tantrums all better now. But it is a tool that is working for now, and for that I am thankful for the blessing that it is:)
29 nights! That has never happened in his 7 years!
I know that when people can't sleep they say to drink warm milk or to take a hot bath. Well, we have made him get in the hot tub every night (and by extension I get to as well lol!) He is falling asleep faster and staying asleep in his own bed. The week before we got the hot tub running he had a night when he was up until 1 and one he was up until 3. Now he has been asleep most nights by 11ish. We also got him a fuzzy, soft electric blanket so that keeps him warm all night long. He used to kick off his blankets then crawl in our bed frozen, but I think the hot tub is calming his body enough to sleep and the electric blanket is helping him stay just warm enough to sleep through the night.
I just hope it continues!
I will say, while I was hesitant to spend the money on a hot tub, a month of sleeping through the night, for the first time since before he came (because of my herniated disk pain before he came) has been worth the cost:)
My back pain also also been improved. I sit in it every day and have found that I am much less sore than usual. I was having a lot of increased pain before we got it, and it seems to be better. I have several times a day when I bend over to pick something up and have no pain. That is very rare for me and when it first was happening 3 weeks ago I would tear up because it was so wonderful to not have the constant chronic pain. I am happy that I am now getting used to being pretty much pain free - but will not take it for granted! Yesterday I sewed a baby blanket requiring me to sit on the floor some (which I normally cannot do) and stood and chopped peppers to freeze from the garden. Both of those things would usually leave me pretty stiff the next morning. But here I am without any stiffness.
Loving it!
Another benefit has been the calming it gives to my sensory challenged kids. I learned years ago that when the kids are in their "completely out of control" state, that a hot bath is the only way I can get them to calm down. I don't know if it is the heat of the water, the tactile sensory stimulation, or what it is. But it has been very helpful with Grace. If I suggest a bath to her, she always says yes. When JJ is out of control he won't say yes. But we have had a couple of his intense tantrums in the past few days and once I got him to stop hurting me I asked him to get in the hot tub. He usually calms much faster, within minutes.
Brain research shows that there are 2 kinds of tantrums - one where the kid is mad and wanting their own way. Typical tantrum. But for kids with trauma or neurological "stuff," there is another type of tantrum where the kid's brain fires into "all alert" and goes into "fight, flight, or freeze" mode. We have one kid who goes into "freeze" mode. It is scary to watch it. A deer in the headlights experience where it is clear that no information is being processed other than FEAR, FEAR, FEAR.
When our kiddos who go into "fight" mode have their tantrums, it is also scary but mostly from the aspect of keeping us safe, then our property. It is hard to deal with the venom that comes out of their mouths during those times, but what is probably most difficult is the intense shame that happens once their brain calms. They then realize what they did and are worried about the rip to the relationship because of their behavior. If we treated them with harshness in that time frame, it adds to their shame core. But when we physically reconnect with hugs and snuggles and letting them know that we still love them, then relationship repairs much quicker. Initially they push against us, wanting to push us away before we (in their minds) push them away. In their fear of rejection pushing against us gives them the control. We work through that and move forward. It is frustrating when it happens over, and over, and over...and over. But we also realize that they have little control over it. It is improving with time:)
Anyway, for some reason having them get into the hot tub calms them very quickly and we don't have near as many of the after effects.
I am not so naive as to believe that our hot tub has made sleeping and tantrums all better now. But it is a tool that is working for now, and for that I am thankful for the blessing that it is:)
Thursday, September 7, 2017
Living with Chronic Back Pain
Irony: Getting a hot tub hoping that it will help ease the pain of chronic back pain, but hurting your back so badly while cleaning the area the tub will go that you are in constant pain.
I was diagnosed with a herniated disk in my lower back 7 years ago. A month before JJ came. I have come a long, long way since then. There have been years when I hardly have any pain. I have learned what I can and cannot do. I see the chiropractor regularly, do traction regularly, and see a massage therapist. I know there are a lot of things that I cannot do - like garden. But I do the canning so my husband doesn't mind the gardening. Mostly I can't lift or twist.
Last week, after 15 years of talking about it, we bought a hot tub. It is some kind of "circuit therapy" hot tub that has 5 different seats in it with different jets that I am supposed to spend a few minutes in each of the seats to get pain relief. We will see if it helps.
15 years ago when we were buying our house and remodeling it we built on a cement room. The roof of our addition is our deck that comes off of the main level of the house, and the addition is off the walk out from the basement. It was specifically built with over 8 foot commercial doors to be able to fit a hot tub through.
But then we weren't done having children like we thought, and had 4 more kids so the plan was put on hold;)
My back pain has been, for an unknown reason, getting worse again on and off since February. We decided on the hot tub. I went to clean the addition out thinking I was feeling pretty good that day.
Bad idea.
I haven't been in this much pain for a long time:(
I feel guilty that I can't be the mom who jumps on the trampoline, runs with, plays ball with, etc my kids. I have learned that I can't sit or stand for too long at a time. I have had to learn how to sit and how to stand so that I am not sore. Most of the time it isn't a big deal. If I am sore it is for a day or so. But today I am on day 5 and it is getting worse. I go in for traction tomorrow so am hopeful I will feel better by Monday. It usually isn't too bad since I can find a position sitting or standing that is pain free and just stay in it. But this time I can't find a pain free position. Just positions that don't hurt as much, for short periods of time. Sometimes I just sit and tear up because the pain is so bad. But, it could be worse.
I can still work. I am thankful I have a job that is not strenuous labor. I am thankful for an able bodied husband who is able to finish preparing the addition for the hot tub (we were working together that day, I was not doing it by myself. Although if he would have seen my lifting what I was lifting he would have stopped me right away... I tend to stubborn to the point of my own detriment. I wonder where my children get it from????)
Anyway, I have children who are no longer toddlers like when I first herniated the disk. That is a huge help! I am no longer nursing an infant so can take pain meds if I have to (I try not to). I have access to a great chiropractor where I can receive traction and adjustments that help a lot.
I am really wishing the hot tub was here already and am really, really hoping that the hot tub helps. REALLY hoping.
Thankfully I can also still home school JJ while I am sitting still. It helps me to feel productive since I can't do much else lol! He just sweetly asked me to snuggle and watch a movie with him now that school is done for the day so I will take my ice pack, try to find a comfortable position, and take this pain-enforced down time to just "be" with my kiddos.
I was diagnosed with a herniated disk in my lower back 7 years ago. A month before JJ came. I have come a long, long way since then. There have been years when I hardly have any pain. I have learned what I can and cannot do. I see the chiropractor regularly, do traction regularly, and see a massage therapist. I know there are a lot of things that I cannot do - like garden. But I do the canning so my husband doesn't mind the gardening. Mostly I can't lift or twist.
Last week, after 15 years of talking about it, we bought a hot tub. It is some kind of "circuit therapy" hot tub that has 5 different seats in it with different jets that I am supposed to spend a few minutes in each of the seats to get pain relief. We will see if it helps.
15 years ago when we were buying our house and remodeling it we built on a cement room. The roof of our addition is our deck that comes off of the main level of the house, and the addition is off the walk out from the basement. It was specifically built with over 8 foot commercial doors to be able to fit a hot tub through.
But then we weren't done having children like we thought, and had 4 more kids so the plan was put on hold;)
My back pain has been, for an unknown reason, getting worse again on and off since February. We decided on the hot tub. I went to clean the addition out thinking I was feeling pretty good that day.
Bad idea.
I haven't been in this much pain for a long time:(
I feel guilty that I can't be the mom who jumps on the trampoline, runs with, plays ball with, etc my kids. I have learned that I can't sit or stand for too long at a time. I have had to learn how to sit and how to stand so that I am not sore. Most of the time it isn't a big deal. If I am sore it is for a day or so. But today I am on day 5 and it is getting worse. I go in for traction tomorrow so am hopeful I will feel better by Monday. It usually isn't too bad since I can find a position sitting or standing that is pain free and just stay in it. But this time I can't find a pain free position. Just positions that don't hurt as much, for short periods of time. Sometimes I just sit and tear up because the pain is so bad. But, it could be worse.
I can still work. I am thankful I have a job that is not strenuous labor. I am thankful for an able bodied husband who is able to finish preparing the addition for the hot tub (we were working together that day, I was not doing it by myself. Although if he would have seen my lifting what I was lifting he would have stopped me right away... I tend to stubborn to the point of my own detriment. I wonder where my children get it from????)
Anyway, I have children who are no longer toddlers like when I first herniated the disk. That is a huge help! I am no longer nursing an infant so can take pain meds if I have to (I try not to). I have access to a great chiropractor where I can receive traction and adjustments that help a lot.
I am really wishing the hot tub was here already and am really, really hoping that the hot tub helps. REALLY hoping.
Thankfully I can also still home school JJ while I am sitting still. It helps me to feel productive since I can't do much else lol! He just sweetly asked me to snuggle and watch a movie with him now that school is done for the day so I will take my ice pack, try to find a comfortable position, and take this pain-enforced down time to just "be" with my kiddos.
Friday, July 28, 2017
Camp is Done!
What a week! Sunday we dropped the Middles off at camp. Monday and Tuesday I worked 13 hour days. Wednesday morning I took JJ with me to work for an hour (he hung out in the office;) while my husband and Buddy went to the camp and set up a camper. We have friends who very, very generously loaned us their camper for a couple of days! What a blessing!
I got home and packed us up and we went and dropped JJ off at camp for his 2 nights. The cabin leader had familiarity with Apraxia and JJ went with his best Bud - we felt that God was working to put people around JJ to help him be successful. Ten months ago was the first time that he willingly left our side to go do something by himself. Before that he had been without a family member twice (with babysitters and that didn't go well). But 10 months ago he agreed to go to AWANA where he knew his siblings were in the building and it was at our church where he was familiar. Wednesday he actually went to a new location with strangers. My husband and I had decided to camp at the camp so that the cabin leader could get us if we were needed since JJ still doesn't put himself to sleep, sleep through the night, and has emotional outbursts. But, praise the Lord, we did not get contacted! None of the kids knew that we were going to be at the camp. It was a "we are only here if the cabin leader needs us" kind of plan. I was pretty anxious before he left about how he would do, but more importantly, how the people around him would handle... well... "him."
But we didn't get a call! That means that my husband and I had 41 hours ALONE! No interrupted conversations. We were able to talk about real topics without me losing my train of thought due to kids needing something from me. Or arguing...
Sleep. Sleep was a really big bonus. Being able to fall asleep when I wanted without having to wait for a 6 year old to fall asleep first sometime between 11 and 12 p.m.
Sleep without having to put kids who didn't want to go to bed through a bedtime routine while they were yelling and cranky and stalling.
Yeah, peaceful sleep was the highlight;)
Well, sort of peaceful. Wednesday when we dropped the kids off we went to the chiropractor since I hadn't been there in awhile, was having pain, and we were only 10 minutes away. I woke up Thursday morning in a lot of pain. It was a pretty painful day. We spent the day in the nearest town with a Sam's Club shopping. We have been so busy that we haven't been able to get our bulk shopping done and were out of a lot of essentials (like toilet paper - not a good essential to run out of lol!) Usually Sam's is over an hour away so we don't get there more than every 4+ weeks. It was nice to shop and not have to rush due to kids fighting.
But...after I realized the amount of money we spent at our 4 stops I wish we would have had kids fighting to get us out of the stores sooner lol! It is all good:) We got JJ's birthday present. Normally I remember that whole pesky birthday present thing about 2 days (or less) before a birthday and have to hurry to order from Amazon Prime. This time we got it done with 3 weeks to spare lol!
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As this was our first time camping, we talked a lot about if we would like to do it again. We tent camped ONCE when we only had 2 kids. That won't happen again. I am on the fence if I would like to camp (in a camper) again. My idea of being outside is having the shades open, possibly the windows open (which we can't do much of with our kids with allergies), and going for a walk and being able to get right back inside! So, camping? I don't think I liked the actual "camping" as much as I liked being alone with my husband without interruptions, without internet or wifi (we don't have smart phones), without my messy house or piles of paperwork calling to me saying "get it done already!!" Having a home office is a blessing...and it is not a blessing... The work is never done and it is never shut away. I did have to field quite a few work issues but at least I was able to do that via text since I didn't have enough cell signal to make phone calls.
So, camping as a way to really get away without distractions. Yes! But...honestly that means getting away without our children lol! If they were with I am pretty sure I would lose my mind.
My husband and I played a lot of games like we used to back before we had kids. We loved to play cribbage...and we played a lot of cribbage the last couple of days. I lost more than I won...as usual... I lost at Ticket to Ride. I did win 10 Days in Africa. So there is that;)
I think we will need to keep the cribbage board out and play more often. We really liked that.
*********
We got the kids picked up this morning (after another last minute chiropractor appointment that I hope helps me not having pain shooting down my arm anymore). The kids were all stinky, smelly, and made lots of friends so didn't want to come home. Except Grace. Grace says she is never going to camp again.
Grace was mad at Faith because she was "mean" all week. Faith let us know that Grace found minnows so grabbed Faith's water bottle to put the minnows in (what else would one do with minnows???!!! OF COURSE you would put them in a water bottle!!!) until she could retrieve her own water bottle to store them in. No, the minnows DID NOT come home us! We always ask for the girls to be separated at camp but they never do. Last year we put Faith in horse camp to keep the girls away from each other but did not do that this year. I suppose it is possible that they will like each other...one day...
The kids all took 1 single shower all week "because our cabin leader doesn't like showers." Ummm, yeah... I can remember that Beautiful loved camp week so she didn't have to take a shower all week, and would shower on the last day just so we wouldn't know she was a mess the rest of the week lol! I love the stories she tells now that she is out of the house and doesn't have to worry about getting in trouble anymore lol!
Superman has a hoarse voice from all of the yelling and carrying on that he does. I swear that he is going to be a sports announcer with all of the talking, play by plays, and excitement about the action that he gets into...
JJ... JJ latched himself onto a bunch of older boys who seem to have taken him under their wing and become kind of "protectors." We watched them all together for awhile and they all treated him well. I don't know exactly how he attached himself to them (he is used to being around older kids, being the youngest in our crew), but it seems to have gone well. Boys were even coming up to him and hugging him or giving him "secret handshakes" good-bye. He says he wants to go back next year. If we can make that happen, YAY!!!
*********
You may be wondering, what happened to our other kid? The other one who lives with us? The 17 year old hermit who won't leave the house? Well, he LOVED having the entire house to himself without any siblings lol! I know that we are very, VERY blessed that we can trust our 17 year old son to be home alone for 2 days and know that he won't do anything he shouldn't do (except play video games all night long;) We bought him a new video game right before we left, took the curfew off of the TV just for him (don't worry, all of my very strict parental controls on the TV are still in place. He doesn't like to watch TV anyway), Beautiful and her husband checked up on him (and took him to Men's Bible Study), and he was quite content.
We had to laugh as Beautiful and Buddy called and texted us. Often. Frequently even. It was nice to know that we were missed;)
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So now we are washing 4 kids worth of clothes/bedding. Faith fell asleep after her emotional outburst about her sister. Grace calmed down after her emotional outburst about everyone being mean and is now picking sweetcorn with my husband. Superman is just laid out on the couch. And JJ has had me holding him non-stop for 3 hours (thankfully my husband sorted all of the laundry and is washing that) and won't let me out of his sight. Back to reality...with a side of cribbage mixed in;) I am already considering where we might get to go next time the kids head to camp. Maybe we can venture further away from them than 300 yards lol!
I will leave you with this picture. It is one of my favorites from when the Middles came. We had only had Superman and Faith for 2 weeks when Beautiful came back from camp and, as usual, crashed on the couch for hours and hours - the 2 year olds just did not understand why she would not play with them! Up, Nana! Up!! You can see just how excited that Beautiful was to have 3 toddlers in the house...ummmm...loving on her;)
I got home and packed us up and we went and dropped JJ off at camp for his 2 nights. The cabin leader had familiarity with Apraxia and JJ went with his best Bud - we felt that God was working to put people around JJ to help him be successful. Ten months ago was the first time that he willingly left our side to go do something by himself. Before that he had been without a family member twice (with babysitters and that didn't go well). But 10 months ago he agreed to go to AWANA where he knew his siblings were in the building and it was at our church where he was familiar. Wednesday he actually went to a new location with strangers. My husband and I had decided to camp at the camp so that the cabin leader could get us if we were needed since JJ still doesn't put himself to sleep, sleep through the night, and has emotional outbursts. But, praise the Lord, we did not get contacted! None of the kids knew that we were going to be at the camp. It was a "we are only here if the cabin leader needs us" kind of plan. I was pretty anxious before he left about how he would do, but more importantly, how the people around him would handle... well... "him."
But we didn't get a call! That means that my husband and I had 41 hours ALONE! No interrupted conversations. We were able to talk about real topics without me losing my train of thought due to kids needing something from me. Or arguing...
Sleep. Sleep was a really big bonus. Being able to fall asleep when I wanted without having to wait for a 6 year old to fall asleep first sometime between 11 and 12 p.m.
Sleep without having to put kids who didn't want to go to bed through a bedtime routine while they were yelling and cranky and stalling.
Yeah, peaceful sleep was the highlight;)
Well, sort of peaceful. Wednesday when we dropped the kids off we went to the chiropractor since I hadn't been there in awhile, was having pain, and we were only 10 minutes away. I woke up Thursday morning in a lot of pain. It was a pretty painful day. We spent the day in the nearest town with a Sam's Club shopping. We have been so busy that we haven't been able to get our bulk shopping done and were out of a lot of essentials (like toilet paper - not a good essential to run out of lol!) Usually Sam's is over an hour away so we don't get there more than every 4+ weeks. It was nice to shop and not have to rush due to kids fighting.
But...after I realized the amount of money we spent at our 4 stops I wish we would have had kids fighting to get us out of the stores sooner lol! It is all good:) We got JJ's birthday present. Normally I remember that whole pesky birthday present thing about 2 days (or less) before a birthday and have to hurry to order from Amazon Prime. This time we got it done with 3 weeks to spare lol!
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As this was our first time camping, we talked a lot about if we would like to do it again. We tent camped ONCE when we only had 2 kids. That won't happen again. I am on the fence if I would like to camp (in a camper) again. My idea of being outside is having the shades open, possibly the windows open (which we can't do much of with our kids with allergies), and going for a walk and being able to get right back inside! So, camping? I don't think I liked the actual "camping" as much as I liked being alone with my husband without interruptions, without internet or wifi (we don't have smart phones), without my messy house or piles of paperwork calling to me saying "get it done already!!" Having a home office is a blessing...and it is not a blessing... The work is never done and it is never shut away. I did have to field quite a few work issues but at least I was able to do that via text since I didn't have enough cell signal to make phone calls.
So, camping as a way to really get away without distractions. Yes! But...honestly that means getting away without our children lol! If they were with I am pretty sure I would lose my mind.
My husband and I played a lot of games like we used to back before we had kids. We loved to play cribbage...and we played a lot of cribbage the last couple of days. I lost more than I won...as usual... I lost at Ticket to Ride. I did win 10 Days in Africa. So there is that;)
I think we will need to keep the cribbage board out and play more often. We really liked that.
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We got the kids picked up this morning (after another last minute chiropractor appointment that I hope helps me not having pain shooting down my arm anymore). The kids were all stinky, smelly, and made lots of friends so didn't want to come home. Except Grace. Grace says she is never going to camp again.
Grace was mad at Faith because she was "mean" all week. Faith let us know that Grace found minnows so grabbed Faith's water bottle to put the minnows in (what else would one do with minnows???!!! OF COURSE you would put them in a water bottle!!!) until she could retrieve her own water bottle to store them in. No, the minnows DID NOT come home us! We always ask for the girls to be separated at camp but they never do. Last year we put Faith in horse camp to keep the girls away from each other but did not do that this year. I suppose it is possible that they will like each other...one day...
The kids all took 1 single shower all week "because our cabin leader doesn't like showers." Ummm, yeah... I can remember that Beautiful loved camp week so she didn't have to take a shower all week, and would shower on the last day just so we wouldn't know she was a mess the rest of the week lol! I love the stories she tells now that she is out of the house and doesn't have to worry about getting in trouble anymore lol!
Superman has a hoarse voice from all of the yelling and carrying on that he does. I swear that he is going to be a sports announcer with all of the talking, play by plays, and excitement about the action that he gets into...
JJ... JJ latched himself onto a bunch of older boys who seem to have taken him under their wing and become kind of "protectors." We watched them all together for awhile and they all treated him well. I don't know exactly how he attached himself to them (he is used to being around older kids, being the youngest in our crew), but it seems to have gone well. Boys were even coming up to him and hugging him or giving him "secret handshakes" good-bye. He says he wants to go back next year. If we can make that happen, YAY!!!
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You may be wondering, what happened to our other kid? The other one who lives with us? The 17 year old hermit who won't leave the house? Well, he LOVED having the entire house to himself without any siblings lol! I know that we are very, VERY blessed that we can trust our 17 year old son to be home alone for 2 days and know that he won't do anything he shouldn't do (except play video games all night long;) We bought him a new video game right before we left, took the curfew off of the TV just for him (don't worry, all of my very strict parental controls on the TV are still in place. He doesn't like to watch TV anyway), Beautiful and her husband checked up on him (and took him to Men's Bible Study), and he was quite content.
We had to laugh as Beautiful and Buddy called and texted us. Often. Frequently even. It was nice to know that we were missed;)
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So now we are washing 4 kids worth of clothes/bedding. Faith fell asleep after her emotional outburst about her sister. Grace calmed down after her emotional outburst about everyone being mean and is now picking sweetcorn with my husband. Superman is just laid out on the couch. And JJ has had me holding him non-stop for 3 hours (thankfully my husband sorted all of the laundry and is washing that) and won't let me out of his sight. Back to reality...with a side of cribbage mixed in;) I am already considering where we might get to go next time the kids head to camp. Maybe we can venture further away from them than 300 yards lol!
I will leave you with this picture. It is one of my favorites from when the Middles came. We had only had Superman and Faith for 2 weeks when Beautiful came back from camp and, as usual, crashed on the couch for hours and hours - the 2 year olds just did not understand why she would not play with them! Up, Nana! Up!! You can see just how excited that Beautiful was to have 3 toddlers in the house...ummmm...loving on her;)
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