I wrote in my last post about the fears I was having of both getting to have Rose and of possibly losing her to a different forever family, and how I am trying to combat those fears. This week I have had more opportunity to talk myself through more fear.
We know who Rose's mother is. We do not know who Rose's father is. Rose's mother will not tell anyone who the father is. She talked to HHS and said that she would tell them on Friday. She did not show up for the appointment.
What happens now? Biological fathers have rights to their children, and this is a very good thing. Every state has different opinions about how locating birth fathers should be handled in situations where they are not providing for the child (or being "fathers"). One of the major reasons we loved adopting JJ from Utah, is that the father can be unnamed/unknown and his paternal rights terminated. In fact, he has only 3 weeks to come forward after the child is born and then has to prove that he both emotionally and financially supported the mother during the pregnancy. If no father steps up, the rights are terminated without anyone have a responsibility to notify him. Many people in the adoption world appreciate this law. Many people hate it.
In our state, every "reasonable effort" must be used to locate the father and have him notified. In Superman and Faith's case, the fathers were identified and they simply refused to respond to any of the notifications or letters. The process for notifying an unknown father involves, at the time that the child is ready to be adopted, the state publishing a statement in a newspaper saying something like "to John Doe, if you believe you have a child who was born on such and such a date at such and such a hospital you need to notify these people immediately." It is run for 3 weeks. If, after that time, no one steps forward, the father's parental rights are terminated and one can move forward with the adoption.
While legally the County Attorney of the county where Rose was born can actually terminate paternal parental rights earlier in cases like these, she will not. It is apparently a source of much contention between HHS and this County Attorney. That means we have to wait until May before she will even consider this process. This is a long time to bond with a child and have many unknowns hanging. What if the mother identifies the father at any time in the meantime? Then he gets notified. If he, or any of his family decides they want to keep the baby, they get to go through the hoops to do so. If they are a fit family that I totally understand that they should have their child. But...the likelihood of that given what we know? Well, it frightens us a great deal.
Best case scenarios? No one finds out who the father is, or he is notified and refuses to respond.
But there is also the downside...I am sad to imagine what it will be like to tell our children that their father's did not choose to respond.
Through this I keep clinging to God's sovereignty. There are so many things that are outside of our hands. Probably the most peace that I receive is remembering how God orchestrated everything during our fire. If you weren't around for the fire, here is a brief recap (there are many more details):
I unknowingly started our house (attached garage) on fire.
A total stranger (who was a fireman in another town) saw the fire and stopped and got us out.
The stranger directed me to get the van out of the garage (before the gas tank blew up) and I safely complied even though there were flames through the roof over me.
A total stranger saw our kids standing outside and kept them warm in their car until our friends from a block away came and got them out of there (again, I had nothing to do with that).
One of our local firefighters just "happened" to be driving by at the same time and got everyone mobilizing before ANY 911 calls had been made!
In the end, the Fire Chief told us the house would have been gone in about 2 minutes had they not gotten there when they did.
I could share about the many, many people who loved on us during that time in amazing ways and were His skin to us, but that is not the purpose of this post.
Who saved the house? God did. My foolishness vs God's power.
In the past almost 6 years (Good Friday 2007 was the fire) I have had many opportunities to reflect on His power and control. While the fire was the most traumatic experience of my life to date, it was also the day that I learned that without a doubt I am nothing and He is everything. It was the day that I (only later realized) that I can have total peace from being in His arms because I have no control and can totally submit everything to Him and He has it ALL covered.
So I have spent time over the past several days reflecting on Good Friday 2007. I am reminding myself that whatever happens with Rose He is working behind the scenes, His outcome will occur, and despite whatever pain and trauma (and drama) we incur along the way it will ALL be for His glory and our refinement.
What looks like a complication to me...is not to Him. It is an opportunity for prayer...and submission:)
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Background story on Baby Rose
I have said many times in my walk with the Lord that "you never know what the next 5 minutes is going to bring." Boy do I know it! If you followed my previous posts you would see that we were devastated to find out that Superman and Faith had two sisters that we never found out about who are being adopted into another family. We grieved through that. I grieved through that. I came to a place of submission and thankfulness to God for having taught me some tough lessons that I would not have other wise had the opportunity to learn. Among them was how much I could miss and grieve for a child(ren) that I have never met and how much it hurt to think that someone else was raising them.
Well...A lot has changed in the past 5 weeks. Five weeks ago today we got a call that there is another sister...who was born 5 weeks ago...and HHS was wondering if we were interested in being her foster parents and then be the probable choice for adoption if it comes to that. Ummm...yes!
Well, the yes took a bit for me to chew on. Thankfully God allowed there to be time to chew on it as Baby Rose (as we will call her for the purposes of this blog) was in the NICU for a time. She has then gone to live in a foster home until we can get all of our paperwork together to be licensed again. My husband has been almost giddy with excitement about Rose. I have had some concerns (fears) that I have thankfully worked through and am now just sitting back watching to see how God pulls this together.
Some God fingerprints that I have stored up in my heart:
That we even got the phone call for this child!
That the state is willing to consider us when we are not even foster care licensed!
That we essentially got to choose the foster home where Rose would be living (called a licensed foster home friend who was not able to do it, but her friend was able to do it and the state agreed:)
That the foster parents who have Rose are amazing. I cannot even communicate in words what a precious, precious gift that they are to us.
That through this process my fears about learning more about the other 2 sisters were not even allowed to stew as the foster mom called me and they are wonderful too:)
That Superman and Faith are so excited to get to have "their" family. It has hurt them so much with our other two open adoptions. This gives them some "family" too:)
That the situation with Rose has allowed Superman to share some of his vulnerabilities and for us to have some good cries together processing emotions.
That we got to meet Baby Rose and the other two sisters! What a precious day for Superman and Faith! Superman in particular was amazingly precious with his sisters. He is such a kind and gentle soul, the perfect Big Brother:)
That the licensing agency came THE NEXT DAY to do our home study, and we got our finger prints done that same day too!
That the home study appears to be mostly completed at this time...just WAITING on fingerprints to get approval!
That Christmas/New Years Eve and Day fall on Mon and Tue this year...the same days that I work which means that I have 3 weeks off of work!
That we got a call offering for Rose to visit over Christmas. She went home for a week (during which time we had kids down with influenza) and got to have another visit with her over New Years.
That even if we don't get to adopt her Superman and Faith got to celebrate Christmas with their sister:)
That the court is moving to terminate parental rights right away this month (still quite a process) and there is NO visitation ordered!
That He has blessed us with so many incredible friends who are praying for us, for Rose, and the people who have given us baby clothes, a car seat, a bassinet, a swing, etc since we have gotten rid of all baby things!
That I got to meet a woman last week who was a missionary in Haiti and adopted two kids from there who are still at home while her older children are all gone and blessed her with 13 grandchildren! She was 51 when her youngest was a babe! My fears of having a newborn at 40 are quite silly;)
That when we had her over New Years week we witnessed various symptoms and because of our amazingly dedicated and capable physician Rose was quickly diagnosed with Milk Soy Protein Intolerance and CDIF, allowing her to receive very quick treatment (changed her formula). I have since heard terrible stories of babies in Children's Hospitals for weeks/months until they finally discover the cause.
That within 24 hours on the new formula Rose's bloody stools ceased (changing your baby's diaper and finding blood is NOT something that keeps a person very calm).
That her CDIF is not severe and does not need to be treated at this time.
That Rose is so calm and serene. To have a calm baby in our family is a huge blessing lol!
That JJ has chosen this time to self wean himself from his bottle. Beautiful, Buddy, and Grace all self-weaned to a cup at 11 months. Since JJ has had so much trouble gaining weight we never wanted to press the issue just wanting to get sustenance in him any way possible. He is finally not only drinking from a cup but will also drink water and juice! He is also eating more and willing to taste food more. He may just lick it. He may chew it up and spit it back into our hand. But he is finally trying more!
JJ is also sleeping most nights through the night in his own bed AND AND AND taking naps most days! Totally amazing.
During my time of processing how quickly my life was being turned upside down, I realized that I was just operating out of fear. Fear that 7 children would be "too many." Fear that I was somehow raising someone else's child (that we were not the "right" forever family for her). Fear that it will hurt if we bond with her and don't get to be her forever family. Fear of dealing with the mother. Fear of dealing with friends and family who don't understand. Fear that more time will be taken away from our other kids than is already the case. Fear that this child will be 2 when Beautiful graduates...how will it affect our last few years with her? Fear that having the 7th child will make the other 6 not get "enough."
Since fear is not to drive our decisions (other than fear of the Lord) I have to choose to not listen to those thoughts. I must hold every thought captive and examine it in light of the Word, not the World. I must keep my Audience of One and only care what my heavenly Father thinks. I must not think that I even get to decide outcomes...that is His job! Instead I get to walk forward in faith that He has got my next 5 minutes covered:)
Having had Rose now for 2 visits I will say that I am totally and completely in love with her and strongly attached. It was very painful to take her back to the foster home the second time. I don't sleep well, missing her, when I should be enjoying getting a full night sleep! It is how it should be, and we are trusting God for the outcome of us being her forever family.
Well...A lot has changed in the past 5 weeks. Five weeks ago today we got a call that there is another sister...who was born 5 weeks ago...and HHS was wondering if we were interested in being her foster parents and then be the probable choice for adoption if it comes to that. Ummm...yes!
Well, the yes took a bit for me to chew on. Thankfully God allowed there to be time to chew on it as Baby Rose (as we will call her for the purposes of this blog) was in the NICU for a time. She has then gone to live in a foster home until we can get all of our paperwork together to be licensed again. My husband has been almost giddy with excitement about Rose. I have had some concerns (fears) that I have thankfully worked through and am now just sitting back watching to see how God pulls this together.
Some God fingerprints that I have stored up in my heart:
That we even got the phone call for this child!
That the state is willing to consider us when we are not even foster care licensed!
That we essentially got to choose the foster home where Rose would be living (called a licensed foster home friend who was not able to do it, but her friend was able to do it and the state agreed:)
That the foster parents who have Rose are amazing. I cannot even communicate in words what a precious, precious gift that they are to us.
That through this process my fears about learning more about the other 2 sisters were not even allowed to stew as the foster mom called me and they are wonderful too:)
That Superman and Faith are so excited to get to have "their" family. It has hurt them so much with our other two open adoptions. This gives them some "family" too:)
That the situation with Rose has allowed Superman to share some of his vulnerabilities and for us to have some good cries together processing emotions.
That we got to meet Baby Rose and the other two sisters! What a precious day for Superman and Faith! Superman in particular was amazingly precious with his sisters. He is such a kind and gentle soul, the perfect Big Brother:)
That the licensing agency came THE NEXT DAY to do our home study, and we got our finger prints done that same day too!
That the home study appears to be mostly completed at this time...just WAITING on fingerprints to get approval!
That Christmas/New Years Eve and Day fall on Mon and Tue this year...the same days that I work which means that I have 3 weeks off of work!
That we got a call offering for Rose to visit over Christmas. She went home for a week (during which time we had kids down with influenza) and got to have another visit with her over New Years.
That even if we don't get to adopt her Superman and Faith got to celebrate Christmas with their sister:)
That the court is moving to terminate parental rights right away this month (still quite a process) and there is NO visitation ordered!
That He has blessed us with so many incredible friends who are praying for us, for Rose, and the people who have given us baby clothes, a car seat, a bassinet, a swing, etc since we have gotten rid of all baby things!
That I got to meet a woman last week who was a missionary in Haiti and adopted two kids from there who are still at home while her older children are all gone and blessed her with 13 grandchildren! She was 51 when her youngest was a babe! My fears of having a newborn at 40 are quite silly;)
That when we had her over New Years week we witnessed various symptoms and because of our amazingly dedicated and capable physician Rose was quickly diagnosed with Milk Soy Protein Intolerance and CDIF, allowing her to receive very quick treatment (changed her formula). I have since heard terrible stories of babies in Children's Hospitals for weeks/months until they finally discover the cause.
That within 24 hours on the new formula Rose's bloody stools ceased (changing your baby's diaper and finding blood is NOT something that keeps a person very calm).
That her CDIF is not severe and does not need to be treated at this time.
That Rose is so calm and serene. To have a calm baby in our family is a huge blessing lol!
That JJ has chosen this time to self wean himself from his bottle. Beautiful, Buddy, and Grace all self-weaned to a cup at 11 months. Since JJ has had so much trouble gaining weight we never wanted to press the issue just wanting to get sustenance in him any way possible. He is finally not only drinking from a cup but will also drink water and juice! He is also eating more and willing to taste food more. He may just lick it. He may chew it up and spit it back into our hand. But he is finally trying more!
JJ is also sleeping most nights through the night in his own bed AND AND AND taking naps most days! Totally amazing.
During my time of processing how quickly my life was being turned upside down, I realized that I was just operating out of fear. Fear that 7 children would be "too many." Fear that I was somehow raising someone else's child (that we were not the "right" forever family for her). Fear that it will hurt if we bond with her and don't get to be her forever family. Fear of dealing with the mother. Fear of dealing with friends and family who don't understand. Fear that more time will be taken away from our other kids than is already the case. Fear that this child will be 2 when Beautiful graduates...how will it affect our last few years with her? Fear that having the 7th child will make the other 6 not get "enough."
Since fear is not to drive our decisions (other than fear of the Lord) I have to choose to not listen to those thoughts. I must hold every thought captive and examine it in light of the Word, not the World. I must keep my Audience of One and only care what my heavenly Father thinks. I must not think that I even get to decide outcomes...that is His job! Instead I get to walk forward in faith that He has got my next 5 minutes covered:)
Having had Rose now for 2 visits I will say that I am totally and completely in love with her and strongly attached. It was very painful to take her back to the foster home the second time. I don't sleep well, missing her, when I should be enjoying getting a full night sleep! It is how it should be, and we are trusting God for the outcome of us being her forever family.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Rose is 1 month!
We gave Rose back to her foster family the day after Christmas, and to got to pick her up on New Years Day...her 4 week birthday. I can't believe how much she has changed in a week!
She is awake and alert much more.
She is holding her head up some.
She is sleeping better.
She is eating a full 4 oz, where before I struggled to get 2 - 3 oz in her.
Most precious, she is looking us in the eye:)
We get to have her for 6 days this time. We will get her back 1 week after we drop her off...and not have to take her back:) Still praying for paperwork to come through quickly though! There is court for termination of her mother's parental rights on January 22. Then we wait until we can adopt her praying no surprises come up:)
We are having a bit more of a glimpse of how this transition will go. JJ had a bit more of a trouble this time. JJ still will only fall asleep with me, but will accept my husband on occasion:) Last night he insisted on me. I laid in bed propped up on pillows. Rose was on my right shoulder. JJ was on his knees with his head on my left shoulder. I held them both until they fell asleep...JJ fell asleep much sooner:) It was precious. JJ feels a little put out, but he is doing great with "wait until I'm done with your sister" and instead of pushing her away he is simply wanting to be included with her.
Beautiful has been sick (other than me, everyone has had various stages of influenza) and is very bummed that she cannot hold Rose. Unlike last time Rose was here when a small grunt sent Beautiful running to Rose's side, this time she can't hold her so is very insistent that I go get her. It is hard to teach of the kids that grunting and stretching does not constitute distress and we can let her alone a little longer:)
My husband has had to work or be gone some this time and it has given me the opportunity to see where the areas are that we will have to shore up as we undergo this transition. A bit surprising to me, but it should not be, is not that the lack of sleep or dealing with a newborn is the difficulty, it is not having a 2 1/2 year old whose "baby" status has been supplanted, but that Grace is less supervised and managed and thus is creating havoc. It is hard to keep her on a schedule and stay on top of her behaviors and over stimulated moments when I'm sleep deprived and "schedule" isn't my top priority. So, I will need to give that some serious thought over the next week that we do not have Rose before we have her permanently. One thing is going to be figuring out if we can start a natural sleep supplement like Melatonin...
Grace has had some cute moments that I thought I would share too:)
She is now insistent on being kissed...a lot. She walks up to me and demands, "mom! kiss my forehead!" Of course I oblige her, and I am very happy that she is feeling confident enough to do that. Those of you with adopted kids know the struggle with getting kids to know they can ask for affection.
We were eating the other day and I sit on the opposite side of the table from the Middles. They were all trying to see if they could eat with their left hands because it looked like that was the hand I was using. After a long conversation...they still didn't get it. They were so confused about "mirror images."
There is a woman in our church who recently announced she and her husband are expecting another child. Grace is totally excited about this, but is insistent that the baby is already born. After both JJ and Rose coming so quickly after finding out about them, I suppose it is ultra confusing to our impulsive "gotta have it NOW' daughter that it takes 40 weeks for that baby to actually come lol!
Finally, there is a baby in our church that Grace is obsessed about. Grace still cannot figure out Rose's name consistently. She keeps saying, "Baby Annadee!" I guess it is a step up from referring to her initially as Rainbow Sparkles lol!
She is awake and alert much more.
She is holding her head up some.
She is sleeping better.
She is eating a full 4 oz, where before I struggled to get 2 - 3 oz in her.
Most precious, she is looking us in the eye:)
We get to have her for 6 days this time. We will get her back 1 week after we drop her off...and not have to take her back:) Still praying for paperwork to come through quickly though! There is court for termination of her mother's parental rights on January 22. Then we wait until we can adopt her praying no surprises come up:)
We are having a bit more of a glimpse of how this transition will go. JJ had a bit more of a trouble this time. JJ still will only fall asleep with me, but will accept my husband on occasion:) Last night he insisted on me. I laid in bed propped up on pillows. Rose was on my right shoulder. JJ was on his knees with his head on my left shoulder. I held them both until they fell asleep...JJ fell asleep much sooner:) It was precious. JJ feels a little put out, but he is doing great with "wait until I'm done with your sister" and instead of pushing her away he is simply wanting to be included with her.
Beautiful has been sick (other than me, everyone has had various stages of influenza) and is very bummed that she cannot hold Rose. Unlike last time Rose was here when a small grunt sent Beautiful running to Rose's side, this time she can't hold her so is very insistent that I go get her. It is hard to teach of the kids that grunting and stretching does not constitute distress and we can let her alone a little longer:)
My husband has had to work or be gone some this time and it has given me the opportunity to see where the areas are that we will have to shore up as we undergo this transition. A bit surprising to me, but it should not be, is not that the lack of sleep or dealing with a newborn is the difficulty, it is not having a 2 1/2 year old whose "baby" status has been supplanted, but that Grace is less supervised and managed and thus is creating havoc. It is hard to keep her on a schedule and stay on top of her behaviors and over stimulated moments when I'm sleep deprived and "schedule" isn't my top priority. So, I will need to give that some serious thought over the next week that we do not have Rose before we have her permanently. One thing is going to be figuring out if we can start a natural sleep supplement like Melatonin...
Grace has had some cute moments that I thought I would share too:)
She is now insistent on being kissed...a lot. She walks up to me and demands, "mom! kiss my forehead!" Of course I oblige her, and I am very happy that she is feeling confident enough to do that. Those of you with adopted kids know the struggle with getting kids to know they can ask for affection.
We were eating the other day and I sit on the opposite side of the table from the Middles. They were all trying to see if they could eat with their left hands because it looked like that was the hand I was using. After a long conversation...they still didn't get it. They were so confused about "mirror images."
There is a woman in our church who recently announced she and her husband are expecting another child. Grace is totally excited about this, but is insistent that the baby is already born. After both JJ and Rose coming so quickly after finding out about them, I suppose it is ultra confusing to our impulsive "gotta have it NOW' daughter that it takes 40 weeks for that baby to actually come lol!
Finally, there is a baby in our church that Grace is obsessed about. Grace still cannot figure out Rose's name consistently. She keeps saying, "Baby Annadee!" I guess it is a step up from referring to her initially as Rainbow Sparkles lol!
Christmas 2012, and various thoughts...
This year we opened presents at the crack of dawn on Christmas Eve...well...that is not exactly true. With two teens in the house the crack of dawn is actually much later than the Middles would like it to be. Nonetheless we got presents opened in the late morning and settled in to play with their favorite gift, an xbox, only pausing briefly to eat a scrumptious turkey and trimmings mostly made by my husband. My husband loves to cook the big meals (and he does a great job of other meals too!) I made the dessert:) I had bought all of the gifts this year. After discussing with my husband what we should buy for each child we got all of the socks and educational items purchased and decided quite firmly against the xbox. Yes, that same xbox that did become a gift. You see, while I am very practical, my husband is really a big kid and he LOVES to see his family delight in gifts. So...of course he did not share with me that he went ahead with the xbox. And of course I forgave him quickly knowing that he adds a good balance to the fun of our home:)
It was such an extra joy to have Rose with us for Christmas. She is such a quiet and easy going baby. I am still amazed at how seamlessly she settled into our family and how adding a 7th child, even if just for a few days, was nothing like adding a first or second child, and especially not like adding 2 toddlers at once lol! Each of us had our own issues about her coming. The Middles were just excited. JJ was quite possessive of her. Buddy is, well, a 12 year old boy so not entirely enthusiastic but smiling and attentive nonetheless. I had not realized how hard it would be for Beautiful. While she initially talked about being jealous of having to share us with yet another child...it soon came out that she was scared of developing an attachment to her and then have her not be ours. By the end of our time with Rose, Beautiful was jumping up and grabbing Rose from her bassinet (OK, Rose did not spend much time not being held, but the times she was not...) when Rose would give the tiniest squeak or grunt. It was good for all of us to talk about our fears and our excited hopes for Rose. Having my almost 16 year old daughter so attentive to a newborn reminded me of the many, many teenage girls who are having babies without the necessary means or wisdom to parent them. Of course, I was also painfully aware that Superman's mom was Beautiful's age while pregnant with Superman...
These thoughts, and others, reminded me yet again that nothing in this world can simply be "good." I remember very distinctly on our first trip to Mazatlan how in awe I was of the ocean. I loved just staring at the ocean and having it crash up on the beach and the rocks. Then I would turn around and see...liter, broken items, filthy buildings, etc. I remember standing there and thinking how it would be so nice to only have the beautiful and wonderful things in the world to contend with, rather than having to also face the evil and effects of sin. Every single situation in my life brings this tension to mind for me. Parenting, work, money, ministry, and very saliently...adoption. I used to be so naive about adoption. It should be pretty simple, right? Kid needs home...parent provides home. But the rub is in the reason the child needs a home. A reason that will always involve pain, sadness, or at least unknowns at some level. Tonight I sat crying with Superman as we talked about the pains of his life and the many questions that having Rose around has brought up for him about his first mom.
I often remind myself of James 1: 3-4
Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds, because the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work in you that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.
I am an end result kind of gal. This verse, however, clearly is about process. Perseverance requires process and promises that the process of perseverance will grow us toward maturity and completion. Thus...I will persevere in not just looking at the ocean...but turning around and dealing with the realities of the yuck too:)
Which brings me to my final thought on Christmas. Wouldn't life have been easier for Jesus to just stay in heaven and enjoy all that heaven has to offer? To just stare at the ocean, so to speak? Yet, He chose to come to the vast yuck of earth so that all of us would have the option to be forgiven and one day be with Him in perfection. While I am burdened by the yuck of daily life here I know not what perfection even is...but He knew perfection and gave it up for a time for us...for me. So, I will persevere in the yuck hopefully moving toward maturity and completion, and I will choose to dwell on Him...the good and perfect Gift:)
It was such an extra joy to have Rose with us for Christmas. She is such a quiet and easy going baby. I am still amazed at how seamlessly she settled into our family and how adding a 7th child, even if just for a few days, was nothing like adding a first or second child, and especially not like adding 2 toddlers at once lol! Each of us had our own issues about her coming. The Middles were just excited. JJ was quite possessive of her. Buddy is, well, a 12 year old boy so not entirely enthusiastic but smiling and attentive nonetheless. I had not realized how hard it would be for Beautiful. While she initially talked about being jealous of having to share us with yet another child...it soon came out that she was scared of developing an attachment to her and then have her not be ours. By the end of our time with Rose, Beautiful was jumping up and grabbing Rose from her bassinet (OK, Rose did not spend much time not being held, but the times she was not...) when Rose would give the tiniest squeak or grunt. It was good for all of us to talk about our fears and our excited hopes for Rose. Having my almost 16 year old daughter so attentive to a newborn reminded me of the many, many teenage girls who are having babies without the necessary means or wisdom to parent them. Of course, I was also painfully aware that Superman's mom was Beautiful's age while pregnant with Superman...
These thoughts, and others, reminded me yet again that nothing in this world can simply be "good." I remember very distinctly on our first trip to Mazatlan how in awe I was of the ocean. I loved just staring at the ocean and having it crash up on the beach and the rocks. Then I would turn around and see...liter, broken items, filthy buildings, etc. I remember standing there and thinking how it would be so nice to only have the beautiful and wonderful things in the world to contend with, rather than having to also face the evil and effects of sin. Every single situation in my life brings this tension to mind for me. Parenting, work, money, ministry, and very saliently...adoption. I used to be so naive about adoption. It should be pretty simple, right? Kid needs home...parent provides home. But the rub is in the reason the child needs a home. A reason that will always involve pain, sadness, or at least unknowns at some level. Tonight I sat crying with Superman as we talked about the pains of his life and the many questions that having Rose around has brought up for him about his first mom.
I often remind myself of James 1: 3-4
Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds, because the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work in you that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.
I am an end result kind of gal. This verse, however, clearly is about process. Perseverance requires process and promises that the process of perseverance will grow us toward maturity and completion. Thus...I will persevere in not just looking at the ocean...but turning around and dealing with the realities of the yuck too:)
Which brings me to my final thought on Christmas. Wouldn't life have been easier for Jesus to just stay in heaven and enjoy all that heaven has to offer? To just stare at the ocean, so to speak? Yet, He chose to come to the vast yuck of earth so that all of us would have the option to be forgiven and one day be with Him in perfection. While I am burdened by the yuck of daily life here I know not what perfection even is...but He knew perfection and gave it up for a time for us...for me. So, I will persevere in the yuck hopefully moving toward maturity and completion, and I will choose to dwell on Him...the good and perfect Gift:)
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Baby Rose's 2nd night
Last night JJ slept 11 hours!!!!! That meant that Rose was the only child waking me up and it was so much better:) We have just been kicking back doing nothing. In fact, JJ and I just woke up from a leisurely 2 hour nap while Rose was napping:) I suppose that tonight I actually need to get some baking/cooking done since we are going to do our family Christmas tomorrow with the turkey and fixings, and then celebrate and enjoy for 2 days:) We have always always traveled for Christmas. This is the first year we have stayed home and just been a family together. It is absolutely precious:) While I very much miss my family, this is a good time for us:) We will be traveling later for a family Christmas though:) Growing up with divorced parents meant that the date of "Christmas" was always contingent on who had us when, etc. Therefore I have never really been tied to a certain day to celebrate. That will probably be a good thing since with 6 (possibly 7!) children married and off with their own families we may end up doing a February family Christmas lol!
And surprise, I am way off of topic. It has been so delightful to have no agenda and to just "be." Yesterday was a sweet first for Rose, her umbilical cord fell off;) As silly as it sounds, I was so happy to have a "first" with her since she is only with us for a few days then will be gone again. I am sad that we never got to see her in the NICU, so I won't have any of those memories to share with her. I am SO thankful for her other foster mom who did get to love her and pray over her there and take pictures. She will get the privilege of sharing that part of her life with her:) I remember how sad it made me when JJ was born that I knew I had to defer some "firsts" to his birth mom (although my husband did get to give him the first bottle...that he spit up all over...and began the 5 week journey of discovering that no formula worked and I had to go through the process to nurse him myself). I know it was the right thing to do to defer to his Tummy Mommy, but it was a bit sad for me nonetheless. Yet, with Rose I am again needing to defer to others for many "firsts" and my heart just needs to be OK with it. God clearly has her covered:)
Yesterday we had another first in our family...our Beloved is almost 16. That means that her friends are already 16. That means that yesterday she got to go with her 16 year old friend shopping...by themselves! They then came back here and we watched movies:) It is an ironic time in our family with one child coming in totally dependent...and one child moving toward independence. I creates a unique tension. It is easy to show love to younger kids by cuddling, rocking, or playing together. It is altogether different to reassure a child who is on the cusp of "I know I am not a child, but still want to be taken care of, but really want to make my own decisions, but I am unsure of what the future holds, etc." that cannot be done with rocking and cuddling yet still needs to be done. But...that is for another post another time as I am yet again quite off topic:)
And surprise, I am way off of topic. It has been so delightful to have no agenda and to just "be." Yesterday was a sweet first for Rose, her umbilical cord fell off;) As silly as it sounds, I was so happy to have a "first" with her since she is only with us for a few days then will be gone again. I am sad that we never got to see her in the NICU, so I won't have any of those memories to share with her. I am SO thankful for her other foster mom who did get to love her and pray over her there and take pictures. She will get the privilege of sharing that part of her life with her:) I remember how sad it made me when JJ was born that I knew I had to defer some "firsts" to his birth mom (although my husband did get to give him the first bottle...that he spit up all over...and began the 5 week journey of discovering that no formula worked and I had to go through the process to nurse him myself). I know it was the right thing to do to defer to his Tummy Mommy, but it was a bit sad for me nonetheless. Yet, with Rose I am again needing to defer to others for many "firsts" and my heart just needs to be OK with it. God clearly has her covered:)
Yesterday we had another first in our family...our Beloved is almost 16. That means that her friends are already 16. That means that yesterday she got to go with her 16 year old friend shopping...by themselves! They then came back here and we watched movies:) It is an ironic time in our family with one child coming in totally dependent...and one child moving toward independence. I creates a unique tension. It is easy to show love to younger kids by cuddling, rocking, or playing together. It is altogether different to reassure a child who is on the cusp of "I know I am not a child, but still want to be taken care of, but really want to make my own decisions, but I am unsure of what the future holds, etc." that cannot be done with rocking and cuddling yet still needs to be done. But...that is for another post another time as I am yet again quite off topic:)
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Rose's first night
In vast contrast to two posts ago, life has changed considerably. The Monday after Thanksgiving we found out that Superman and Faith had 2 sisters - being adopted by another family. The following Wednesday...we found out that there was another sister born, the day before, and we were asked to be her foster parents and potentially adopt her if that should be the long term outcome. I have been writing another post with those details, but as the emotions and contemplations are too raw right now, I will save it for another time.
Suffice to say that Superman and Faith have a sister whom we met last Saturday and now get to have for 5 days. We will then need to give her back to her current foster placement (an amazing, amazing family who loves the Lord deeply) until our paperwork is completed relicensing us for foster care. The other post is about those details, this post is just for fun:)
When my husband and I left on Thursday to pick her up, the roads were too icy from storm so we just a short distance, enjoyed dinner at our favorite chinese restaurant, and returned home. We opened a few Christmas presents in lieu of having Rose home with us, and played Wii most of the day:) Friday we tried again, this time successfully. My husband and I were very surprised to find ourselves very anxious about the situation...as if we were first time parents or something lol! Evidence of this was found when my husband turned the wrong way down a one way and I, who usually enjoy talking quite a bit (shocked you, didn't I;) stopped talking all together and my husband (who is usually quite quiet) could not stop talking. It was a bit comical.
Upon further examining of my emotions I realized that this was not anxiety about bringing another child home, it was about loving a child and possibly having let her go...
I remember when we got the call for JJ. I was totally shock. We found out on Friday. We drove to Utah on Sunday and met the mom Monday. Tuesday I witnessed his birth. Wednesday, when JJ was 27 hours old his mother signed the paperwork relinquishing her parental rights and IT WAS DONE! We had to wait 6 months to finalized the adoption...but IT WAS DONE! We did not want to go through the uncertainties of foster care again and I could completely and fully love him immediately unlike our previous 3 adoptions where we had to keep our heart in check...and yet here we are. And we are doing it with open hearts and love for the sister of our children. We are so incredibly blessed that everything seems to be going forward quickly and seamlessly...at least as much as a process can working with red tape, etc. However, we know full well that at any moment major changes could happen.
So, to the fun part. We picked her up and had a sweet time with the current foster parents. We then drove toward home, but realizing that we did not have a Christmas present for her as it all happened so fast, we decided to stop at Walmart...and right inside the door ran into...the foster family who had Superman and Faith for 3 months before we got them!!!! These people are such wonderful God fearing and sacrificial people. They have kept in touch these years and sincerely care for and love Superman and Faith. When they found out about the baby when I called them last week they said they would pray for the process and I knew they would. So when God "happened" to put us all together at the same time it was precious:)
We then got home and Rose could not have gotten more kisses and love. Even JJ is loving her immensely. Superman loved to hold her calmly while speaking his love for her. Grace is just beside her self with the cute girl clothes that she wants to put on her dolls:) Faith is a bit more subdued than Superman, but excited nonetheless. It is an odd feeling to bring a child into the home not necessarily thinking of her as "my" child but thinking of her as my children's sister. It reminds me to be less possessive of her and more generous of their time with her.
I stuck her in the wrap and she fell asleep on my chest, then JJ curled up and fell asleep there too:) It was very, very sweet as he had his hand over and and is very protective of her. JJ fed her her first bottle here:)
Unfortunately this was by 6:30 p.m. I knew that meant that he would not sleep all night long...I was right. I sat up holding Rose until 1:30 mindful that I would only have 4 1/2 days with her before we have to drive her back. I crawled into bed...and JJ got up at 1:45. He wanted a bottle (yes, he is still on a bottle, but as he is finally eating real food he is taking a bottle much less!) so we did that. Then he heard the baby and ...he was up until 4:30 cooing and touching her. You would have thought he gave birth to her himself how proud and excited he was with smiles and talking all about her (as much as his incoherent babbles could be understood). He finally went back to sleep and Rose got up at 5:30. You get the picture.
So today we are just hanging out a bit brain dead. Rose was actually awake for 3 hours this morning (she had slept the entire time since we got home, rooting around just enough to be fed and go back to sleep). The kids all kissed and touched her so much I think that kept her awake lol! JJ kept saying "I kissed my sister" (well, actually it sounded more like I kid my didder). Superman is the essence of a loving big brother. He is attentive, gentle, and thoughtful. To think he is the middle child in our home...but biologically the oldest of 5 children... Anyway, it has been a sweet time.
I am thankful that Rose is not having problems sleeping or eating...obviously a relief after all of the issues with JJ. She blew out 2 diapers already this morning and seems very, very sedate and quiet - this makes her very easy...very nice:) Unfortunately it actually makes me worry that she is "too" sedate lol! She is a full 2 lbs bigger than JJ was, even though she was born 2 weeks earlier than he was. Nonetheless she is so incredibly tiny I cannot even remember JJ being that small!
Oh, I will add that we met the family who has the other 2 sisters and they are also amazing. We got much more information about situations and we have complete peace about the outcome of that situation:)
Just a snippet into the major turn of events in our home over the past 3 weeks!
Suffice to say that Superman and Faith have a sister whom we met last Saturday and now get to have for 5 days. We will then need to give her back to her current foster placement (an amazing, amazing family who loves the Lord deeply) until our paperwork is completed relicensing us for foster care. The other post is about those details, this post is just for fun:)
When my husband and I left on Thursday to pick her up, the roads were too icy from storm so we just a short distance, enjoyed dinner at our favorite chinese restaurant, and returned home. We opened a few Christmas presents in lieu of having Rose home with us, and played Wii most of the day:) Friday we tried again, this time successfully. My husband and I were very surprised to find ourselves very anxious about the situation...as if we were first time parents or something lol! Evidence of this was found when my husband turned the wrong way down a one way and I, who usually enjoy talking quite a bit (shocked you, didn't I;) stopped talking all together and my husband (who is usually quite quiet) could not stop talking. It was a bit comical.
Upon further examining of my emotions I realized that this was not anxiety about bringing another child home, it was about loving a child and possibly having let her go...
I remember when we got the call for JJ. I was totally shock. We found out on Friday. We drove to Utah on Sunday and met the mom Monday. Tuesday I witnessed his birth. Wednesday, when JJ was 27 hours old his mother signed the paperwork relinquishing her parental rights and IT WAS DONE! We had to wait 6 months to finalized the adoption...but IT WAS DONE! We did not want to go through the uncertainties of foster care again and I could completely and fully love him immediately unlike our previous 3 adoptions where we had to keep our heart in check...and yet here we are. And we are doing it with open hearts and love for the sister of our children. We are so incredibly blessed that everything seems to be going forward quickly and seamlessly...at least as much as a process can working with red tape, etc. However, we know full well that at any moment major changes could happen.
So, to the fun part. We picked her up and had a sweet time with the current foster parents. We then drove toward home, but realizing that we did not have a Christmas present for her as it all happened so fast, we decided to stop at Walmart...and right inside the door ran into...the foster family who had Superman and Faith for 3 months before we got them!!!! These people are such wonderful God fearing and sacrificial people. They have kept in touch these years and sincerely care for and love Superman and Faith. When they found out about the baby when I called them last week they said they would pray for the process and I knew they would. So when God "happened" to put us all together at the same time it was precious:)
We then got home and Rose could not have gotten more kisses and love. Even JJ is loving her immensely. Superman loved to hold her calmly while speaking his love for her. Grace is just beside her self with the cute girl clothes that she wants to put on her dolls:) Faith is a bit more subdued than Superman, but excited nonetheless. It is an odd feeling to bring a child into the home not necessarily thinking of her as "my" child but thinking of her as my children's sister. It reminds me to be less possessive of her and more generous of their time with her.
I stuck her in the wrap and she fell asleep on my chest, then JJ curled up and fell asleep there too:) It was very, very sweet as he had his hand over and and is very protective of her. JJ fed her her first bottle here:)
Unfortunately this was by 6:30 p.m. I knew that meant that he would not sleep all night long...I was right. I sat up holding Rose until 1:30 mindful that I would only have 4 1/2 days with her before we have to drive her back. I crawled into bed...and JJ got up at 1:45. He wanted a bottle (yes, he is still on a bottle, but as he is finally eating real food he is taking a bottle much less!) so we did that. Then he heard the baby and ...he was up until 4:30 cooing and touching her. You would have thought he gave birth to her himself how proud and excited he was with smiles and talking all about her (as much as his incoherent babbles could be understood). He finally went back to sleep and Rose got up at 5:30. You get the picture.
So today we are just hanging out a bit brain dead. Rose was actually awake for 3 hours this morning (she had slept the entire time since we got home, rooting around just enough to be fed and go back to sleep). The kids all kissed and touched her so much I think that kept her awake lol! JJ kept saying "I kissed my sister" (well, actually it sounded more like I kid my didder). Superman is the essence of a loving big brother. He is attentive, gentle, and thoughtful. To think he is the middle child in our home...but biologically the oldest of 5 children... Anyway, it has been a sweet time.
I am thankful that Rose is not having problems sleeping or eating...obviously a relief after all of the issues with JJ. She blew out 2 diapers already this morning and seems very, very sedate and quiet - this makes her very easy...very nice:) Unfortunately it actually makes me worry that she is "too" sedate lol! She is a full 2 lbs bigger than JJ was, even though she was born 2 weeks earlier than he was. Nonetheless she is so incredibly tiny I cannot even remember JJ being that small!
Oh, I will add that we met the family who has the other 2 sisters and they are also amazing. We got much more information about situations and we have complete peace about the outcome of that situation:)
Just a snippet into the major turn of events in our home over the past 3 weeks!
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Grace Update: December 2012
I realized that I have not updated on Grace for a long time...since July! So much is new!
I wrote last time that Grace was switched to a new medication - Vyvanse. Vyvanse is the longest acting ADHD medication which gives her symptom control even into the evening. We try to get it in her ASAP in the mornings as the first hour of the day is a little hairy, but then we settle into a routine:) Vyvanse also is unique in that it is not abusable. Vyvanse is encased in a special coating that does not allow it to break down except by very specific enzymes that are only found in the stomach. Not that we are worried about her abusing it, but as she gets older that is a good choice. We are also THRILLED that with the other various interventions we use with her, we only have to have her on the 20 mg dose when 30 mg is the starting dose.
In August we had an occupational therapy evaluation and the very wonderful pediatric occupational therapist worked with us regarding sensory interventions. We discovered that Grace is over stimulated auditorily and visually, but understimulated in the senses of tactile, proprioception (deep muscle pressure) and vestibular (spinning, swinging, being upside down, etc). So, when Grace gets over stimulated in one area, she will gravitate to an area of understimulation but go WAYYYY overboard in an attempt to "feel" those senses. We now have interventions to keep her more "balanced" with the stimulation. The biggest change is that at bedtime we no longer have 20 minutes to 2 hours of screaming as she is way too out of balance sensory wise and nothing could reintegrate it other than sleep (which she could not get to due to feeling so out of balance). If that isn't improvement I don't know what is lol!
In October I attended an ADHD conference taught by Dr. Barkley. His insights were extremely helpful for understanding ADHD in a way that I had not previously conceptualized it. That conceptualization along with very practical tools for management of ADHD have resulted in a major shift in how we parent Grace and life has probably improved (between the medication, the sensory interventions, and the new behavioral management techniques) to the place where realistically we are as good as we are going to get...at this place is manageable. Check out my blog posts specifically the statistics of ADHD here and the conceptualization of ADHD/ADD here. I highly, highly recommend his book on parenting a child with ADHD.
I have yet to type up a post on the behavioral interventions/expectations of a child with ADHD, but those changes have been a total Godsend in our home and we have had several months to tweak them and see how they work over time. I'll get on the post...sometime;)
Finally, Grace's impulsivity has not lent itself well to learning. Once those behaviors were more controlled we realized just how poor her concentration/focus was and that prompted the medication change from Ritalin to Vyvanse. Once school was underway for 1st grade we realized that she is still struggling mightily. So...we contacted the school and got her set up for various testing. She now has an IEP in place with the public school and attends there for a couple of hours 2x a week for various interventions to hopefully help in the areas in which she struggles (math, reading, writing, etc). Grace's test scores for IQ and speech/language issues were as varied and comical as Grace is. She had scores off the bottom of the chart...and off the top! Guess which area she scored at the 99th percentile??? Scores related to talking! For those of you who have met her you know she NEVER stops talking and is quite able to quickly think on her feet to argue any point to exhaustion lol! The testers said that (despite having had her medication) she was upside down in her chair, under the table, standing on her head, etc during the testing. This child is never still...that is part of what makes her so fun...and so difficult;) I want to say here that our school district has been amazingly awesome about the kids (we have more than 1 with an IEP) being home schooled yet working with us to give them the interventions we have all agreed on. They have been thoughtful, they have heard our concerns, they have been wonderful with the kids, etc. I am so thankful for them.
I belong to various Yahoo groups for mom's of adopted kids, mom's of adopted kids with learning differences, mom's helping kids with auditory processing issues, mom's helping kids with dyslexia issues, etc. I have learned many, many things from these groups including that the issues my kids have are not as bad as they could be:) I have also learned about various interventions that they talk about over and over. I belong to a online Home school coop from where home schoolers can buy various deeply discounted curriculum. I saw Reading Eggs on there and have heard of it on the yahoo groups over and over, I decided to try it. Grace plays this internet "game" and it teaches her phonics, etc. It is good for her since it provides immediate feedback, it is engaging...for hours!, it drills concepts over and over (did I mention that she stays out of trouble for extensive periods of time while on the computer? ;) We also got the Reading Eggs app for the ipad so she can have it to do while we are out and about and need her to be still.
As for day to day life? There is no question she is our toughest child. There is no question that life is exponentially more...more...well, "more" because of her in our lives. She brings joy in things that we would just not see if it were not for her. She brings opportunities for us to learn more about humility and grace in the face of the sin in our hearts that her behavior brings to the surface. She definitely makes ordinary moments quite extraordinary. For example, I just got done brushing and braiding her hair. She said "ouch" then turned that into "ouchie" then turned that all into a rap song complete with dancing and prancing around (making it more difficult to complete her hair) and then took the brush and started brushing the carpet with it in beat with her song... life is just like that all of the time! I tend to be a person that misses many details as I am focused on task accomplishment and long term goals. Grace has no ability to think other than the moment and thus she helps me to see things that I would otherwise miss because she is ALL about the moment, not being distracted by thoughts of the next moment:)
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