I wrote a long blog post about the realities of the dark black yuck we are dealing with right now. But it is not acceptable to post. I process verbally so typing this out helps me to clarify issues and keep the main thing the main thing. With that said, this will be a hard post but I have toned it down...a lot. Things are hard right now. It feels violating to live in a house with people that you can't trust. Your own kids. The ones that you have taught right and wrong to but they make choices that are...wrong.
There are so many good moments. Moments when "the stars align" just right (just kidding) and things are smooth. Grace is better when it is just her alone or her with 1 other child... and supervision is constant... and structure is maintained... and her sensory needs are being taken care of...when it is the middle of the day and her meds are in full effect...or when you stick an ipad in her hands for hours....etc. The mornings and evenings are indescribably difficult, ugly, painful, exasperating, frustrating, and make me think that bloodying my head against a wall would be a better alternative.
But then there are the moments that she is so sweet. She loves to be helpful (during that "sweet" time in the day). She wants to be kind. She is capable of being gentle. She loves to make gifts and color pictures for people. She loves to snuggle and give/receive love via physical touch. She tells us constantly that she loves us She can be so precious that I forget what she will be like when the meds wear off. Starting and ending the day the way we do is EXHAUSTING. When the meds wear off she is physically aggressive, she is so verbally caustic that it just poisons the relationships she has with people around her. She.argues.CONSTANTLY. She.opposes.CONSTANTLY. There is no way to describe how difficult the mornings and evenings are. Beautiful just showed me a video she took on her itouch a while back when Grace did not know she was being recorded. She.is.a.terror. She has also threatened to lie to others and accuse us of things that did not happen. Talk about living in fear of a tyrant! She is capable of not being nasty when she is with non-family members (she is still impulsive and annoying as she tries to take charge but won't "hear" the word "no," but not mean) after her meds wear off. It is frustrating that she won't do that for us...
She is so precious during that "sweet" time in the day. I just read yesterday about genomic testing. Apparently they can test a person's genetic markers for ADHD against certain ADHD meds to see which med would work the best. I am not sure how to go about the testing but I am considering looking into it. The downside of ADHD meds is that they take time to take effect in the morning and they wear off. There is no way to have them work 24/7. Ugg. To be completely and totally honest, right now I could care less if the medications help her to focus and learn anything academic. I just want her to be not oppositional and to not feel that I am living with 30 hormonal teenage girls from a prison camp all trying to be the Warden!
Issues with another child that has been flying just above radar for years is now coming to a head as well. Stealing (candy/etc) in our home and lying. It is so cliche that an adopted child has food issues...but the reality is that many adopted children have food issues! My father taught me that whenever the words "I promise" are said, heaven and earth had better be moved to make sure that the promise is carried through. So when a child looks at me in the face and says, "I didn't! I promise!" and that is not the truth...I cannot describe how much it frustrates me. So, essentially we have two children in this house who have to be treated like 1 year olds that cannot be unsupervised for even 1 minute and we have to assume that anything they say or do is suspect. I keep looking ahead to teen life in utter fear and dread. The other 4 children are so constantly negatively affected by these issues. We don't get to do the "fun" things that families love to do very often because it all has to be gauged around when the meds will be working, how much supervision is required, if a child is having a "good" or "bad" day, or the level of grounding/loss of privileges a child has. I feel like a recluse but it is about the only we way we can survive. Forget all of the separation anxiety/food issues/over stimulation/Apraxia issues that we have to deal with with JJ!
This month we have someone watching a couple of kids overnight. I know she will do well and she will stay on top of things. I am most afraid that I will get so much relief from it that I will ask for her to do it all of the time lol! Just kidding:) I think...;) I am so thankful...so SO thankful to this woman for being willing to love on our kids right where they are:)
So, without airing specific dirty laundry of ours, please know that we are in a tough loooong season right now and covet your prayers, and coming alongside of us if you feel led. I was thinking yesterday that it was Good Friday, and we are living in a "season" of Good Fridays so to speak, waiting for the freedom from sin promised on Resurrection Sunday... but still stuck in the reality of Friday. Jesus' followers were shocked and horrified and paralyzed with the events of the day when it seemed that darkness would reign. They did not know what was coming next. They did not know how much worse it would get before it got better...or that it would get better. That is where we live right now.
I wish we had family that was close. I wish we could get a break with grandparents or aunts and uncles taking them for breaks, overnights...heck, lets dream a little...weeks at a time. But, that is not our reality. Because of my fear of people rejecting us or judging us (or our kids) I have not talked as openly about our realities. Fear of people not liking our kids after all of the rejection they already have to overcome in life. Fear of people seeing our kids as their problems instead of as the precious lives that they are. I fear people making comments like they have before that it is our own fault for adopting so many children. I have to ask...which one(s) shouldn't we have adopted? I cannot imagine our family without these 6 kids. I know that I know that I know that God specifically put these children in our home. I wish many issues were easier...but these are our children. They belong here as much as my arm belongs on my body. I know the situations they came out of...which ones should we have left there or left to sit in a non-forever home? I recently found out about the situations of 2 of our birth moms. It makes me nauseated to think of if our kids were still living in that...it makes me even more horrified to think of my kids' siblings who are still living in it... If us having to live with the difficulties we deal with is the alternative to them living in that...then I would say yes a thousand times again to keep them from that. I am crying just thinking about the little that I know that their siblings are enduring...
But the reality remains, we are exhausted and afraid, and it is humbling that we can't do this alone. It is time to be real. It is uncomfortably vulnerable for me, but it is time.
Looking forward to the promises of Resurrection Sunday...while striving to persevere through Good Fridays...
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