Having a daughter getting married tends to make one turn inward a bit to consider oneself. I am been thinking about my own hang ups and how they have affected her while I have been trying to raise her into the woman that God wants her to be. I have also been thinking on how my hang ups may be affecting the process of wedding planning/preparation and her actual wedding day that she wants to be so special and unforgettable, and of course I want that for her as well.
I have learned over the years that I do not like to accept help from people. I have a huge hangup with believing that others help but yet feel obligated, coerced, required, etc. That the emotion involved is a sense of frustration or even a lesser degree of resentment. I have had a lot of examples of people in my life make me feel that they felt that way. Out of this I developed a "need" to be self-sufficient such that I would never make anyone else feel obligated to help me or, while they were helping me, feel like they would rather be doing anything else in the world except however they were helping. I had no frame of reference that others would want to help me because they simply wanted to help. Too many times I heard people say "yes" to helping someone else, then complain behind their back that the reason the other person needed help was that they were lazy, or incompetent, or...whatever. I did not want to be the source of those conversations, especially when my biggest need has been to help with our kids. This week I read an excellent article on what not to say to parenting grieving the loss of a young child. There are also things to never say to an adoptive parent - one of the biggies is "well, you chose this." Not helpful. On so many different levels. Actually, it is downright damaging. Determined to not have someone think that I am just "pawning my children off of them" and abdicating my responsibility to them I have just hunkered down and become more self-sufficient.
Over the years this "need" to be self-sufficient has become an increasing problem as the difficulties in our home have increased. I have felt more and more alone. More and more misunderstood (unfortunately I had plenty of actual examples of that). And became more and more determined to not "bother" others. I have discovered that this has unfortunately led to me actually pushing away well meaning people who genuinely want to help and bless us because it has felt "safer" to do so than to trust someone, count on them, and have them removed or worse, think ill of me.
Last weekend I attended an EMDR training (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). I have been extremely skeptical of it since learning about it 20 years ago, but TBRI has strongly encouraged it's benefits so I thought I would at least attend the training. It is a therapeutic technique used to help people process trauma so they can move forward rather than stay stuck in it. All of us were required to be practiced upon. Half-way through the 3rd day I had my turn. I had remained skeptical up until then despite watching others and hearing of the experience. EMDR has people focus on a memory of a time they had a "trauma." I focused on one when I felt not genuinely cared about. I commonly have the experience that I "know" something in my head but have a hard time getting it to my "heart." To "own" it. For example, throughout the horrible process when Superman and Faith's sister left I had "known" and focused and focused and focused on the character of God to get me through. But it took that one specific moment for it to get it from my "head" to my "heart" so I could really own it and move past the "trauma." That essentially is all EMDR does. It just speeds up that process. So, something I have struggled with for 40 years, by the time I was done with the entire 20 minute experience I was shockingly...better.
Being the skeptic that I am I have been thinking a lot in the past 15 days about what "better" has actually meant, and if it has sustained. First, it has sustained. Second, aside from me being able to move on from the hang up of "insist on being self-sufficient at all costs" (and boy have there been too many costs) I was able to really have a heart level peace of "God cares about my heart genuinely, He is enough, and let Him bless me through others - that doesn't make me "not enough"."
The next morning I was driving to work, listening to praise music, and I became aware of the oddest thing. I was...happy. Upon deeper reflection I even ventured to say I felt...joy. Both of those are emotions I have admittedly not felt in a long time, more than a momentary fleeting experience soon to be followed by the heaviness of "reality." I don't put a lot of stock in "happy." After all, life on this sin-filled spinning sphere is pretty "not happy." But the lightness in my heart was a pleasant surprise. Despite dealing with the death of my mother in law and her memorial and burial last week. Despite the shock (to all of our congregation and community) about the medical situation with the pastor that has worked with Beautiful and her fiance for so long and now is unable to perform the wedding - resulting in us having to find a new pastor with 6 days to the wedding. And despite the stress of putting on a large wedding (NONE of which is anywhere in my comfort zone or ability) for our first born beloved daughter and her leaving (320 people have RSVP'd "yes"!!!!) I am still feeling that peace that comes only from God and has been elusive from me for too many years.
So, practically? I am so happy about the 320+ people who want to come and share this amazingly precious day to honor our daughter and her fiance. I am overjoyed that so many people want to come and care for them. I am focused on the glorious purpose of the day and not the practicalities between now and then. I am, very oddly for me, relaxed (Ok, as relaxed as I think I can get) and delighted with the sheer number of people who have offered to help for the wedding, my being completely ok with it, and not having ANY of those ridiculous thoughts that until last Sunday I was constantly plagued with, and resting in the fact they the have asked to be a part of this to bless us and want to bless us. I am actually believing that God's opinion is the only one that matters...and it is enough.
I am feeling joy...who knew I could?
Ah, there are so many other little things that are also different, but I have been doing this while printing out the wedding programs and have come upon a major glitch so I must go deal with it. Not overwhelmed with it, just chuckling and saying to myself, "at this point are you really surprised? lol!" In 53 hours our daughter will be married, God will be glorified, and God will still.be.enough:) (and hopefully we will have had enough chairs for everyone to sit on and food for them to eat!!)
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