My Husband is the Best of Men

When you want to know how a man will treat his wife, look at how he treats his mother.

My husband's mother passed away 8 days ago.  That has led me to reflect on his relationship with his mother, and the excellent man he is.  He always had a special bond with his mother.  He felt himself to be her protector of sorts.  When I have asked him if he has any regrets about the past 6 years as her caretaker, he says that he does not, that he just simply loved her where she was at and that was enough.  He strongly felt that God called him to so attentively care for her, and feels glad that he got to do what he was called to do.

My husband and I met when he was 20 and I was 19.  I always remember him getting his mom special gifts on her birthday/Christmas/Valentines Day, etc.  She loved unicorns so a gift usually involved one of those, some flowers, and always included a DQ ice cream cake.  He showed his mother love through his attentiveness to her.

He does the same for me:)

We moved away to another state, had children, couldn't travel back as much as we would have liked, but still maintained contact.  He still talked with her on the phone regularly.  His parents divorced about a year after we married so he became her confidant and protector. After she retired from her job he worked hard to convince her that, due to her health, it would be best for her to live with one of her remaining 3 sons to be better taken care of.  She took years to decide, and eventually spent a week with each of her other sons, and 2 weeks with us, to decide where/if she wanted to move.  She felt most welcomed in our home and we moved her down her the summer of 2009.  In 2007/2008 she had a falling out with one of her son's after he said he would not honor her wishes of not having a funeral/other issues (after their father died and that son was in charge of his funeral).  She changed the power of attorney to my husband as she knew he would honor her wishes.

So, in June of 2009 my mother in law came down in a truck driven by her other son and laden with boxes.  We supplied everything else and set her up in an apartment.  We were often there trying to help her get her health in a better place.  We invited her over for meals and kid's activities.  Then in February 2010 she slipped on some ice while getting into our van when my husband was going to take her grocery shopping and she broke her arm.  Her health was very poor anyway so this development meant she could not care for herself at least while her arm was broken.  She lived with us for 2 weeks and it was an eye opening experience.

First, my mother in law's health was far worse than we had realized and we got to see that up close and personal.  Secondly, my mother in law completely put me to shame in terms of her attitude.  She was the most unassuming, content, laid back, relaxed person I have ever known.  She did not complain about anything.  She was willing to just take whatever happened and smile and be happy with it.  Of course, there are downsides to a personality like that (such as not taking the bull by the horns and changing the course of your life), but as a person who tends to be that kind of person (or, many may say I am the bull myself!!) it was humbling to have her be introduced into our chaotic family of 7 and just roll with it.  It really touched me to see her in situations that I would feel humiliated in and she just accepted it (needing help).  I began to think about what I act like when I feel out of control and need help, and how I needed to act more like her and less like...the bull in a china shop.

Two weeks into that experience we had talked and talked about her going into the nursing home for a time, then to assisted living to help her with her cares and her diet (her diabetes was very fragile and did not like to respond like it "should").  She also fell randomly and that was obviously unsafe.  My husband had been working on funding, etc and we pulled it all together and got her moved.  I am so glad that we had that 2 weeks of her in our home.  It was utterly exhausting but a tremendous blessing.

Since that time we took her out as her health allowed and visited often.  My husband spent the most time with her.  He enjoyed just talking with her and being with her.  To take the kids meant he and his mother's serenity was interrupted so he only took them about 1/2 the time;)  So, he just loved her.  3 years ago when the process began for her first amputations he was right there.  Through the past 3 years of every 1 - 3 weeks of specialist appointments for her skin breakdowns not healing, he was there advocating for her.  Through the countless hospitalizations (I don't even want to try to figure out how many there were in the past 6 years), he was there loving her, advocating for her, and trying to keep her calm and knowing she was loved...that she mattered.  She wasn't able to make decisions for herself.  She was content to let him make those decisions, another blessing in the midst of all of this.  She didn't get paranoid and fight him.  It was also a blessing that his family members did not argue his decisions.

It was difficult when he had to make the decision to put her on hospice.  Her skin breakdowns just weren't healing and she was in pain.  Her glucose was all over the place.  Her veins kept collapsing so the local hospital couldn't help her with fluids, she needed a central line.  She was internally bleeding somewhere so her iron levels were very low.  One or two weeks before he put her on hospice her hemoglobin got down to a 3.8!  Her dementia was more and more pronounced.  She was refusing meals/fluids.  There are a lot of things to consider at that point personally, spiritually, medically, relationally, etc.  That last week of watching her die while on hospice was difficult for him.

Yet, he faithfully loved her and was there for her.  He advocated for her pain management and her comfort.  He did not let things go but insisted on answers.  He took care of his mom.  He was her protector, her advocate, her knight...her son.

During all of this my husband has worked hard to not just be her son, but also my husband and our children's father.  He has struggled at times to not feel guilty when one of those roles has taken more precedence for a season, yet he strove to keep a balance.  As his wife, I never ever felt neglected.  I always knew that what he was doing for his mother was what he should be doing.  I always knew, that he would do the same for me or our children if the situation arises.

Even in the midst of the last 6 weeks of her life with 4 hospitalizations and the hospice, he has tried to balance us all and be attentive.  There are many examples that I will keep close to my heart of how he has tried to make sure that I knew that I am also his priority.  I have been very touched by how hard he has tried, and succeeded, in doing this.

I am also thankful for what he has modeled for our children.  He has shown them the Biblical example of how to care for one's parents, or spouse, or any loved one: for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part.

He honored his mother's wishes and had her cremated and did not have a funeral.  Next week we will have a memorial service and then drive to her home state to bury her ashes on one of her son's graves.

He is a great husband.  He is a great son.  He is a great father.  He is a great man.  He is a most excellent man.  He is the best of men.  I am blessed to be his wife.