This has been another stressful week for me. I have to laugh a little about that as I wonder if, during this season of my life, I have had an unstressful week? God has been working through some things with me and I am thankful for that. Some I have blogged about but not posted as they are too vulnerable. I will modify those some and post them later. However, those things I have been learning did help me some this week.
God has really been hammering at me about the level of my fear. I didn't even realize how fearful that I am until I started to blog about our oldest daughter getting married. We are elated for her getting married and for her delightful fiance, yet I realized that I am such a pessimist and only look at life through charcoal colored glasses. We watched the move "Up" last night...I sooooooooo saw myself in Mr. Fredrickson lol! I am learning why I use pessimism (not getting my hopes up) as a defense against the realities of life. Anyway, then we got a call to foster a child. Oh my word that brought up oodles and oodles of pain and rawness and fear for me that I thought I had dealt with since we lost the placement for Superman and Faith's sister. So, I got to process through all of that...again. As if God doesn't think I am listening to him, our pastor's sermon today was about not fearing. So either God is prompting me in this lesson to have more peace about our current life...or He is going to bring on yet another challenge to stretch us. Either way I need to trust Him better.
My work load is pretty busy in addition to all of the other stuff. I had hoped that I could get back down to 2 days a week since the holidays are over but that isn't happening. I should remember that, for some reason, February has traditionally been my busiest month of the year and plan accordingly:)
Since it has been 2 years since we were last licensed to be foster parents, and the last time we allowed our license to lapse was when we got the phone call for placement for Superman and Faith's sister and getting relicensed was a NIGHTMARE (especially when they "lost" our fingerprints on someone's desk for over 6 weeks when we were rushing to be able to keep the placement), we have decided to just keep our license in case a sibling comes into the foster care system again. We had submitted some of the paperwork before Christmas. Tuesday morning we got the phone call that THEY HAD NOT RECEIVED THAT PAPERWORK! I was livid. Especially since it was the same office that lost our paperwork 2 years ago and it had ALL OF OUR SSN'S on it! Uggggggggggggg. My husband called their office and the woman was cold and uncaring of the fact the paperwork was lost, insisting that we just mail the paperwork again.
Then, on Wednesday we had to go get our physicals for the foster care paperwork. The last time that we went to the doctor was for those physicals and that was when my husband was diagnosed with borderline diabetes. Sooooo, it was stressful (very much so for my husband) to go again that day and hope that he wouldn't be told something terrible. Thankfully he is doing great:)
Thursday I had to take my oldest for her math tutoring. After a bunch of scheduling conflicts we finally have managed to get her tutoring and JJ's speech therapy to coincide so I only have to take 2 90 minute trips a week (one is for work) instead of 3:) I am stressed about her completing her tutoring successfully. I am very stressed about JJ not being compliant for speech therapy. I am ecstatic that they are giving us a great discount for being private pay, but I still need those sessions to count toward him articulating clearly!
Friday my husband attended another surgeon's appointment with his mother. Her leg that was just amputated has more wounds on it that are not healing. It is frustrating. It is sad. It is hard to watch the diabetes kill her. It is hard to watch my husband try to juggle the stress of being her caregiver. He also got all of the rest of the paperwork turned in for our foster license (in person!) to our local agency (that is wonderful!). Supposedly we only have the house visit left and can be relicensed and done with that for 2 years:)
After puzzling over JJ's digestive/eating issues for over 4 years, 2 months ago he started vomiting into his mouth several times a day. Usually in the evening. He does not like to eat much. We are hard pressed to get him to eat anything at all prior to the afternoon. He will vomit if he is woken up early and placed in the car. He acts, when he does eat earlier, like it hurts his stomach. He complains about his stomach hurting a lot. He was never able to handle any of the formula's when he was an infant (resulting in breast and goat's milk being his sustenance). A friend who is an RN brought to my attention that it may be acid reflux. I felt like a fool that I never put the symptoms from when he was an infant together with what is happening now, as it seemed like (aside from him not eating) the other symptoms had improved. So, now he is on an OTC antacid and the chiropractor has him on a probiotic. We had him on acidopholus but he thought that a biphidus would be better due to his age and issues. So, we shall see. So far he is not improved. In fact, today he is so utterly out of sorts that I hope he is sick as that would explain his behavior. He even took a NAP after screaming for an hour (in anger, not pain...I think). He hasn't napped for over a year. Anyway, we will give him another week on these meds and if he is not improved we will remove dairy. That will be a fight as he is a big milk drinker (raw dairy right now). He also has a very sensitive palate and eats hardly anything so I hope he will handle the switch to goat's milk.
The other issue this week had to do with our Grace. She has been a handful. Well, ever since she has come 8 years ago she has been a handful, but her oppositional, rebellious, defiant, angry, in-your-face, contrary words and behaviors have been over the top even for her. School has been...difficult...to say the least. She already attends the public school 10 hours a week. We met with the school on Friday to discuss having her go full time.
This has been one of the hardest decisions we have had to make. We are very, very much pro-home schooling. We feel like we are failing her by sending her to the public school. We feel like we are just giving up on her. We worry about the effects of the school environment on her - for many reasons, one being that she is not the easiest child to get along with and worry she will be bullied. She already comes home and talks about situations now and she is not in a regular classroom.
But, we have also talked with other adoptive home schooling parents who have similar situations to us and have chosen to put one or more of their children in public school. They have been so understanding and encouraging. They know the difficulty of raising a difficult child and having to make a choice that one never thought one would make. But, we do believe that it is, ultimately, best for Grace. So, soon that will start. We have to get some paperwork in place, etc. We are so thankful for friends who will take her to and from school since they are taking their own kids anyway. It was hard to ask for help to do that. I am learning more and more how to ask for help but it still leaves me feeling guilty and worthless. But having her ride the bus would be disastrous and the reality of us driving there three times a day is way too much (we will still have to take Superman for his afternoon times). So, we have to figure out lunches, snacks, and navigate a whole new "world" that we never thought we would have to navigate. We just pray fervently that she is able to learn there and that when she comes home we can just be mom and dad and not "teachers," and maybe we will see a reduction in the sheer amount of opposition that she throws at us.
The biggest struggle for me with Grace is not to fear her future...not to give up hope for her future...
This week I have spent hours putting puzzles together with Grace. She has 3 areas where she is very gifted, art (drawing), doing hair (I am going to start taking photos of the creations she put in her doll's hair - I am extremely impressed with her!), and puzzles. I am really surprised about the puzzles. After all it takes times, stillness, and a high frustration tolerance. Things that Grace normally does not excel at. The other day I just sat back, watched her, and teared up. It was such a precious, quiet, and cooperative time with her. I wish that we had more of those moments...
So, God has me working on not being so fearful, on making decisions that are hard but necessary, and enduring with patience the insanity of people around us not doing their jobs and them not caring about it.
Oh, and wedding planning. I am so not gifted in anything that has to do with hostessing, cooking, decorating, fashion, public etiquette for large events, etc. Yet, we find ourselves in the middle of decorating planning and, you know what? I am actually enjoying it lol! Maybe I will shake off a bit of my "Mr. Fredrickson" persona yet!
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