Since my last post we have continued to heal and move forward. We had our first visit with Rose 12 days ago. We had another visit 2 days ago that included the two sisters. It was the first time that the 5 siblings were together... It is also probably the last... The first visit went well. I had asked for prayer and felt so much peace during it. I should have done so for the second visit as well.
We got information that furthers our feelings of loss. I won't be specific, some of the information we have is not even specific. But triggering overwhelming feelings of loss...again...it did.
The second visit took place on Good Friday. When we got home my husband and I took a walk trying to process how hard the visit was (it was great to see the 2 sisters who are now adopted and their family:). I was angry...it was sooo much harder to hand her back this time than last time. I keenly felt my children's loss this time as they may never see their sister again. My husband was, as he has been through this entire process, a rock. I asked him once to say something while I was venting and he said, "I think it is more wise if I do not" leaving it to God to set me straight again:)
We needed to attend Good Friday service. I did not feel like it at all, but knew it was important. I was moved through the service and heard God speaking to my heart on two issues in particular. My husband heard Him on another issue. Since we are both grieving differently about this it was so "God" that He spoke to us individually:) After twoish weeks of not crying, the tears started again. I realized that a scab had formed on the wound, but I had not yet dealt with certain deeper issues that needed healing. The visit essentially ripped the scab off again and the service helped me identify yet another heart issue that God needs me to face. Saturday we attended the Baptist Church Easter Cantata. Always a moving experience:) (as a cute side note, this time I was glad to be sitting in the balcony where JJ could have some room to dance as the music moved him;) That service provided more clarity for me on what God is needing me to be learning right now.
Today our church service/drama/cantata was also poignant. I find myself crying too much yet again and broke down at the end. I am getting really tired of crying. I have surrendered Rose's outcome to Him...but there is still healing to be done and my own sin to be cut out and grief to endure. I really miss her. I desperately want her with us again. I am so fearful of her future. I am so grieved at the level of loss that Superman and Faith have to endure AGAIN. I even go so far to as to question if there is anything about adoption that can just be happy and good, without any "flip side of the coin." I know that is ridiculous but I find myself becoming more and more cynical, quite the pessimist, and constantly seeing the 1/2 empty glass. (yes, I know, it could be worse. I should be thankful that they even get to know they have siblings, etc, etc). I find myself isolating and cocooning again. Thankfully, I am not retreating as far into myself as I had done last time. I was able to be very productive yesterday doing deep cleaning my house (my form of "therapy" :). I have hated being alone with my thoughts for the last several months as I don't like where they lead. Yet, yesterday I was able to have much quiet (3 kids and my husband were gone;). It felt really good to be alone with my thoughts again without a fear to hide from them. While I know that I have taken a step back, I am thankful for the timely messages of this Easter to give me the anchor that I need as I feel myself start to flail again and get tempted to despair.
Jesus
died on a cross
and defeated evil
Imagine His power, His glory, His Holiness, His mercy, His grace, His love, His sacrifice, His omniscience ...
He gave His life, what more could He give....oh how he loves you, oh how He loves me, oh how He loves you and me....
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