Today is a bittersweet day. Rose is 6 months old. It is the day that if the dad had not be located by now we could have moved forward with adopting her. It is the day we marked on the calendar and looked forward to with trepidation, daring to hope that we would get to adopt her. Obviously things did not work out the way that we had hoped. Most days I handle this well. Most days I can be philosophical about it and push the reality of losing her to the back of my mind as I focus on the 6 gifts that we do get to have.
Reminders like this anniversary date hurt. Walking through Wal Mart and seeing the little girls clothes section hurts. Seeing African American baby girls hurts (thankfully there are not many around here). Thankfully, most of my memories of her of a little baby so I don't think of her too much being 6 months, I'm sure rolling around, getting ready to crawl, etc. Days like this remind me of the seed of bitterness that I still have for the whole ridiculous mess.
So, we move forward. Today we celebrate Buddy's birthday by going to a movie. We will have birthday cake. We will prepare for a vacation where we plan to have fun as our family of 8. I have Chris Tomlin playing loudly in the background as I attempt to keep His praises on my lips and permeate my soul lest the anger take hold. I remind myself of a blog post I read Thursday that was a gentle yet convicting reminder that life with our children is a lot like watching the bubbles the kids play with outdoors. They are beautiful. They are fun. They are constantly changing. And they don't last long. We must enjoy them while we have them as, because like everything else in this world, they are fleeting.
Striving to be thankful for what I have. Longing for Jesus. Persevering to put one foot in front of the other and do my best to carry out His will for me, including accepting the painful refinement and pruning that comes with the heartache and tears of this depraved and fallen world.
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