Christmas 2012, and various thoughts...

This year we opened presents at the crack of dawn on Christmas Eve...well...that is not exactly true.  With two teens in the house the crack of dawn is actually much later than the Middles would like it to be.  Nonetheless we got presents opened in the late morning and settled in to play with their favorite gift, an xbox, only pausing briefly to eat a scrumptious turkey and trimmings mostly made by my husband.  My husband loves to cook the big meals (and he does a great job of other meals too!)  I made the dessert:)  I had bought all of the gifts this year.  After discussing with my husband what we should buy for each child we got all of the socks and educational items purchased and decided quite firmly against the xbox.  Yes, that same xbox that did become a gift.  You see, while I am very practical, my husband is really a big kid and he LOVES to see his family delight in gifts.  So...of course he did not share with me that he went ahead with the xbox.  And of course I forgave him quickly knowing that he adds a good balance to the fun of our home:)

It was such an extra joy to have Rose with us for Christmas. She is such a quiet and easy going baby.  I am still amazed at how seamlessly she settled into our family and how adding a 7th child, even if just for a few days, was nothing like adding a first or second child, and especially not like adding 2 toddlers at once lol!  Each of us had our own issues about her coming.  The Middles were just excited.  JJ was quite possessive of her.  Buddy is, well, a 12 year old boy so not entirely enthusiastic but smiling and attentive nonetheless.  I had not realized how hard it would be for Beautiful.  While she initially talked about being jealous of having to share us with yet another child...it soon came out that she was scared of developing an attachment to her and then have her not be ours.  By the end of our time with Rose, Beautiful was jumping up and grabbing Rose from her bassinet (OK, Rose did not spend much time not being held, but the times she was not...) when Rose would give the tiniest squeak or grunt.  It was good for all of us to talk about our fears and our excited hopes for Rose.  Having my almost 16 year old daughter so attentive to a newborn reminded me of the many, many teenage girls who are having babies without the necessary means or wisdom to parent them.  Of course, I was also painfully aware that Superman's mom was Beautiful's age while pregnant with Superman...

These thoughts, and others, reminded me yet again that nothing in this world can simply be "good." I remember very distinctly on our first trip to Mazatlan how in awe I was of the ocean.  I loved just staring at the ocean and having it crash up on the beach and the rocks.  Then I would turn around and see...liter, broken items, filthy buildings, etc.  I remember standing there and thinking how it would be so nice to only have the beautiful and wonderful things in the world to contend with, rather than having to also face the evil and effects of sin.  Every single situation in my life brings this tension to mind for me.  Parenting, work, money, ministry, and very saliently...adoption.  I used to be so naive about adoption.  It should be pretty simple, right?  Kid needs home...parent provides home.  But the rub is in the reason the child needs a home.  A reason that will always involve pain, sadness, or at least unknowns at some level.  Tonight I sat crying with Superman as we talked about the pains of his life and the many questions that having Rose around has brought up for him about his first mom.

I often remind myself of James 1: 3-4


Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds, because the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work in you that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.

I am an end result kind of gal.  This verse, however, clearly is about process.  Perseverance requires process and promises that the process of perseverance will grow us toward maturity and completion.  Thus...I will persevere in not just looking at the ocean...but turning around and dealing with the realities of the yuck too:)

Which brings me to my final thought on Christmas.  Wouldn't life have been easier for Jesus to just stay in heaven and enjoy all that heaven has to offer?  To just stare at the ocean, so to speak?  Yet, He chose to come to the vast yuck of earth so that all of us would have the option to be forgiven and one day be with Him in perfection.  While I am burdened by the yuck of daily life here I know not what perfection even is...but He knew perfection and gave it up for a time for us...for me.  So, I will persevere in the yuck hopefully moving toward maturity and completion, and I will choose to dwell on Him...the good and perfect Gift:)

Baby Rose's 2nd night

Last night JJ slept 11 hours!!!!!  That meant that Rose was the only child waking me up and it was so much better:)  We have just been kicking back doing nothing.  In fact, JJ and I just woke up from a leisurely 2 hour nap while Rose was napping:)  I suppose that tonight I actually need to get some baking/cooking done since we are going to do our family Christmas tomorrow with the turkey and fixings, and then celebrate and enjoy for 2 days:)  We have always always traveled for Christmas.  This is the first year we have stayed home and just been a family together.  It is absolutely precious:)  While I very much miss my family, this is a good time for us:)  We will be traveling later for a family Christmas though:)  Growing up with divorced parents meant that the date of "Christmas" was always contingent on who had us when, etc.  Therefore I have never really been tied to a certain day to celebrate.  That will probably be a good thing since with 6 (possibly 7!) children married and off with their own families we may end up doing a February family Christmas lol!

And surprise, I am way off of topic.  It has been so delightful to have no agenda and to just "be." Yesterday was a sweet first for Rose, her umbilical cord fell off;)  As silly as it sounds, I was so happy to have a "first" with her since she is only with us for a few days then will be gone again.  I am sad that we never got to see her in the NICU, so I won't have any of those memories to share with her.  I am SO thankful for her other foster mom who did get to love her and pray over her there and take pictures.  She will get the privilege of sharing that part of her life with her:)  I remember how sad it made me when JJ was born that I knew I had to defer some "firsts" to his birth mom (although my husband did get to give him the first bottle...that he spit up all over...and began the 5 week journey of discovering that no formula worked and I had to go through the process to nurse him myself).  I know it was the right thing to do to defer to his Tummy Mommy, but it was a bit sad for me nonetheless. Yet, with Rose I am again needing to defer to others for many "firsts" and my heart just needs to be OK with it.  God clearly has her covered:)

Yesterday we had another first in our family...our Beloved is almost 16.  That means that her friends are already 16.  That means that yesterday she got to go with her 16 year old friend shopping...by themselves!  They then came back here and we watched movies:)  It is an ironic time in our family with  one child coming in totally dependent...and one child moving toward independence.  I creates a unique tension.  It is easy to show love to younger kids by cuddling, rocking, or playing together.  It is altogether different to reassure a child who is on the cusp of "I know I am not a child, but still want to be taken care of, but really want to make my own decisions, but I am unsure of what the future holds, etc."  that cannot be done with rocking and cuddling yet still needs to be done.  But...that is for another post another time as I am yet again quite off topic:)

Rose's first night

In vast contrast to two posts ago, life has changed considerably.  The Monday after Thanksgiving we found out that Superman and Faith had 2 sisters - being adopted by another family.  The following Wednesday...we found out that there was another sister born, the day before, and we were asked to be her foster parents and potentially adopt her if that should be the long term outcome.  I have been writing another post with those details, but as the emotions and contemplations are too raw right now, I will save it for another time.

Suffice to say that Superman and Faith have a sister whom we met last Saturday and now get to have for 5 days.  We will then need to give her back to her current foster placement (an amazing, amazing family who loves the Lord deeply) until our paperwork is completed relicensing us for foster care.  The other post is about those details, this post is just for fun:)

When my husband and I left on Thursday to pick her up, the roads were too icy from storm so we just a short distance, enjoyed dinner at our favorite chinese restaurant, and returned home.  We opened a few Christmas presents in lieu of having Rose home with us, and played Wii most of the day:)  Friday we tried again, this time successfully.  My husband and I were very surprised to find ourselves very anxious about the situation...as if we were first time parents or something lol!  Evidence of this was found when my husband turned the wrong way down a one way and I, who usually enjoy talking quite a bit (shocked you, didn't I;) stopped talking all together and my husband (who is usually quite quiet) could not stop talking.  It was a bit comical.

Upon further examining of my emotions I realized that this was not anxiety about bringing another child home, it was about loving a child and possibly having let her go...

I remember when we got the call for JJ.  I was totally shock.  We found out on Friday.  We drove to Utah on Sunday and met the mom Monday.  Tuesday I witnessed his birth.  Wednesday, when JJ was 27 hours old his mother signed the paperwork relinquishing her parental rights and IT WAS DONE!  We had to wait 6 months to finalized the adoption...but IT WAS DONE!  We did not want to go through the uncertainties of foster care again and I could completely and fully love him immediately unlike our previous 3 adoptions where we had to keep our heart in check...and yet here we are.  And we are doing it with open hearts and love for the sister of our children.  We are so incredibly blessed that everything seems to be going forward quickly and seamlessly...at least as much as a process can working with red tape, etc.  However, we know full well that at any moment major changes could happen.

So, to the fun part.  We picked her up and had a sweet time with the current foster parents.  We then drove toward home, but realizing that we did not have a Christmas present for her as it all happened so fast, we decided to stop at Walmart...and right inside the door ran into...the foster family who had Superman and Faith for 3 months before we got them!!!!  These people are such wonderful God fearing and sacrificial people.  They have kept in touch these years and sincerely care for and love Superman and Faith.  When they found out about the baby when I called them last week they said they would pray for the process and I knew they would.  So when God "happened" to put us all together at the same time it was precious:)  

We then got home and Rose could not have gotten more kisses and love.  Even JJ is loving her immensely.  Superman loved to hold her calmly while speaking his love for her.  Grace is just beside her self with the cute girl clothes that she wants to put on her dolls:)  Faith is a bit more subdued than Superman, but excited nonetheless.  It is an odd feeling to bring a child into the home not necessarily thinking of her as "my" child but thinking of her as my children's sister.  It reminds me to be less possessive of her and more generous of their time with her.

I stuck her in the wrap and she fell asleep on my chest, then JJ curled up and fell asleep there too:)  It was very, very sweet as he had his hand over and and is very protective of her.  JJ fed her her first bottle here:)

Unfortunately this was by 6:30 p.m.  I knew that meant that he would not sleep all night long...I was right.  I sat up holding Rose until 1:30 mindful that I would only have 4 1/2 days with her before we have to drive her back.   I crawled into bed...and JJ got up at 1:45.  He wanted a bottle (yes, he is still on a bottle, but as he is finally eating real food he is taking a bottle much less!) so we did that.  Then he heard the baby and ...he was up until 4:30 cooing and touching her.  You would have thought he gave birth to her himself how proud and excited he was with smiles and talking all about her (as much as his incoherent babbles could be understood).  He finally went back to sleep and Rose got up at 5:30.  You get the picture. 

So today we are just hanging out a bit brain dead.  Rose was actually awake for 3 hours this morning (she had slept the entire time since we got home, rooting around just enough to be fed and go back to sleep).  The kids all kissed and touched her so much I think that kept her awake lol!  JJ kept saying "I kissed my sister" (well, actually it sounded more like I kid my didder).  Superman is the essence of a loving big brother.  He is attentive, gentle, and thoughtful.  To think he is the middle child in our home...but biologically the oldest of 5 children...  Anyway, it has been a sweet time.

I am thankful that Rose is not having problems sleeping or eating...obviously a relief after all of the issues with JJ.  She blew out 2 diapers already this morning and seems very, very sedate and quiet - this makes her very easy...very nice:)  Unfortunately it actually makes me worry that she is "too" sedate lol!  She is a full 2 lbs bigger than JJ was, even though she was born 2 weeks earlier than he was.  Nonetheless she is so incredibly tiny I cannot even remember JJ being that small!

Oh, I will add that we met the family who has the other 2 sisters and they are also amazing.  We got much more information about situations and we have complete peace about the outcome of that situation:)

 Just a snippet into the major turn of events in our home over the past 3 weeks!

Grace Update: December 2012

The two sides of Grace: She loves to be "pretty" and like a princess...but she is seemingly always on her head lol!  Here she is doing school in the ipad!

I realized that I have not updated on Grace for a long time...since July! So much is new!

I wrote last time that Grace was switched to a new medication - Vyvanse.  Vyvanse is the longest acting ADHD medication which gives her symptom control even into the evening.  We try to get it in her ASAP in the mornings as the first hour of the day is a little hairy, but then we settle into a routine:)  Vyvanse also is unique in that it is not abusable.  Vyvanse is encased in a special coating that does not allow it to break down except by very specific enzymes that are only found in the stomach.  Not that we are worried about her abusing it, but as she gets older that is a good choice.  We are also THRILLED that with the other various interventions we use with her, we only have to have her on the 20 mg dose when 30 mg is the starting dose. 

In August we had an occupational therapy evaluation and the very wonderful pediatric occupational therapist worked with us regarding sensory interventions.  We discovered that Grace is over stimulated auditorily and visually, but understimulated in the senses of tactile, proprioception (deep muscle pressure) and vestibular (spinning, swinging, being upside down, etc).  So, when Grace gets over stimulated in one area, she will gravitate to an area of understimulation but go WAYYYY overboard in an attempt to "feel" those senses.  We now have interventions to keep her more "balanced" with the stimulation.  The biggest change is that at bedtime we no longer have 20 minutes to 2 hours of screaming as she is way too out of balance sensory wise and nothing could reintegrate it other than sleep (which she could not get to due to feeling so out of balance).  If that isn't improvement I don't know what is lol! 

In October I attended an ADHD conference taught by Dr. Barkley.  His insights were extremely helpful for understanding ADHD in a way that I had not previously conceptualized it.  That conceptualization along with very practical tools for management of ADHD have resulted in a major shift in how we parent Grace and life has probably improved (between the medication, the sensory interventions, and the new behavioral management techniques) to the place where realistically we are as good as we are going to get...at this place is manageable.  Check out my blog posts specifically the statistics of ADHD here and the conceptualization of ADHD/ADD here.  I highly, highly recommend his book on parenting a child with ADHD.

I have yet to type up a post on the behavioral interventions/expectations of a child with ADHD, but those changes have been a total Godsend in our home and we have had several months to tweak them and see how they work over time.  I'll get on the post...sometime;)

Finally, Grace's impulsivity has not lent itself well to learning.  Once those behaviors were more controlled we realized just how poor her concentration/focus was and that prompted the medication change from Ritalin to Vyvanse.  Once school was underway for 1st grade we realized that she is still struggling mightily.  So...we contacted the school and got her set up for various testing.  She now has an IEP in place with the public school and attends there for a couple of hours 2x a week for various interventions to hopefully help in the areas in which she struggles (math, reading, writing, etc).  Grace's test scores for IQ and speech/language issues were as varied and comical as Grace is.  She had scores off the bottom of the chart...and off the top!  Guess which area she scored at the 99th percentile???  Scores related to talking!  For those of you who have met her you know she NEVER stops talking and is quite able to quickly think on her feet to argue any point to exhaustion lol!  The testers said that (despite having had her medication) she was upside down in her chair, under the table, standing on her head, etc during the testing.  This child is never still...that is part of what makes her so fun...and so difficult;)  I want to say here that our school district has been amazingly awesome about the kids (we have more than 1 with an IEP) being home schooled yet working with us to give them the interventions we have all agreed on.  They have been thoughtful, they have heard our concerns, they have been wonderful with the kids, etc.  I am so thankful for them.

I belong to various Yahoo groups for mom's of adopted kids, mom's of adopted kids with learning differences, mom's helping kids with auditory processing issues, mom's helping kids with dyslexia issues, etc.  I have learned many, many things from these groups including that the issues my kids have are not as bad as they could be:)  I have also learned about various interventions that they talk about over and over.  I belong to a online Home school coop from where home schoolers can buy various deeply discounted curriculum.  I saw Reading Eggs on there and have heard of it on the yahoo groups over and over, I decided to try it.  Grace plays this internet "game" and it teaches her phonics, etc.  It is good for her since it provides immediate feedback, it is engaging...for hours!, it drills concepts over and over (did I mention that she stays out of trouble for extensive periods of time while on the computer? ;)  We also got the Reading Eggs app for the ipad so she can have it to do while we are out and about and need her to be still.

As for day to day life?  There is no question she is our toughest child.  There is no question that life is exponentially more...more...well, "more" because of her in our lives.  She brings joy in things that we would just not see if it were not for her.  She brings opportunities for us to learn more about humility and grace in the face of the sin in our hearts that her behavior brings to the surface.  She definitely makes ordinary moments quite extraordinary.  For example, I just got done brushing and braiding her hair.  She said "ouch" then turned that into "ouchie" then turned that all into a rap song complete with dancing and prancing around (making it more difficult to complete her hair) and then took the brush and started brushing the carpet with it in beat with her song...  life is just like that all of the time!  I tend to be a person that misses many details as I am focused on task accomplishment and long term goals.  Grace has no ability to think other than the moment and thus she helps me to see things that I would otherwise miss because she is ALL about the moment, not being distracted by thoughts of the next moment:)

Reflections on this week...

What a hard week this has been.  What a week where God has taken me through a roller coaster of emotions and insights.  He has stretched me.  He has made me see my sin more clearly.  He has made me have a deeper level of compassion where I mistakenly thought I already had plenty.  This is another one of those deeply vulnerable posts of mine.  Feel free to not continue.

When we first got the news about the girls we were angry.  The "system" is broken.  How could the girls be in a situation where it was known that HHS did not have to enact reunification efforts because of previously terminated parental rights...yet they did not seek out where those children were placed?!?  It still frustrates and grieves me very deeply.

This has led to deep feelings of an utter lack of control.  While I "know" that I have no control and I "know" God is sovereign over EVERYTHING and I have seen His hand work in utterly miraculous ways over and over and over in our lives (e.g. our fire, our adoptions, etc), this still has felt like a staff person's "mistake."

I poured through 1 and 2 Kings reminding myself over and over the consequences of living in a depraved world led by depraved leaders where sinners make decisions...and mistakes...that affect countless people.  I tried to comfort myself reading how God's hand was clearly working, even though most of it was about discipline of a rebellious people.  However, that is where America (and many other nations) are at now, being rightly disciplined by a Holy God and dealing with the consequences of making laws/decisions that are not God's laws/decisions.

Making myself ponder these truths proved to be too painful...so I escaped.  My ultimate mode of escape is reading.  I forbid myself from reading fiction because I know that I will not stop.  I have read perhaps 5 books of fiction in the past 10 years (maybe not even that many) aside from reading to the children as I know the lure of it for me.  Then I do not do the things I ought to be doing.  But, in the past 3 days I have read 3 long books of fiction purely for escape.  Purely for entertainment.  Without a shred of useful knowledge in them.

I just needed to stop the headache.  I needed to stop the feeling of being kicked in the gut.  I read late into the night and got up early to read because I whenever I am awake I am thinking...about the girls... (ironically sounds like excuses I hear from people who use drugs/alcohol, etc lol!)

How ridiculous is this, I keep telling myself!  I do not know these girls!  I don't even know their names!  I know their ages, that they are girls, that they are the siblings of our children, and that they had to have not the most stable and pleasant experiences in their young lives to date.  How can I be so attached to them and desire to hold them and kiss away their tears and tell them that I would be their forever mommy!  How can I be so grieved for yet another loss for our children, and for the girls who will grow up with even less of their family than they (I keep telling myself, again ridiculously) SHOULD have been raised with!  If life was perfect they SHOULD have been raised in a loving, God fearing home with BOTH their bio mom AND dad. Millions of orphans in this world grow up without their siblings in much worse situations.  What is my problem!  But...I also know from having adopted bio siblings that there is a bond between them that is far different than the bond with the other siblings.

Then...I started to think the unthinkable...  I began to think that I don't even want to know them...that it would be "easier" to just forget about them.

WHAT!  What can that possibly be about?!?!?  Ahhh...God revealed to me the impatience I have had dealing with the birth families of our adopted children and how they have clearly communicated to us that it just too hard and they want contact to be minimized.  That was so painful!  I have thought, "but what about the child?"

Yet, here I am thinking the same thing.  I cry and cry thinking about how I feel like I have lost my children.  My children!  AS IF THEY WERE MY CHILDREN TO LOSE!!!  AS IF I HAVE EVEN MET THEM TO FORM AN ATTACHMENT!!!   I have thought how I have been spared the loss of miscarriage or dealing with infertility.  This loss must be about 1% of what that would be and it is devastating!

Yesterday we went for a walk in the warm weather and as I was pushing  the stroller I kept thinking that I SHOULD be pushing a double stroller.  Again, the ridiculousness of my thoughts this week has been quite revealing of my sense of "shoulds" in my life (yes, I know that is pride), my lack of trusting in my sovereign God, and the awareness of such a "loss" that is not even really a loss of anything I ever had!

If I were to think of the top 10 parents in the WORLD I would not want them raising my child.  How painful then to think that if we were to meet this family they may...xyz...bringing us grief in how the girls are raised.  Again, what RIGHT do I have to how the girls are raised!  And, even more painfully, to realize that this family may probably exceed our parenting abilities 1000 fold!   Uggg.

We have not had any response from HHS since Monday other than the children's adoption case worker "thought" that the other family would be excited to meet us and the kids.  Perhaps they are worried that we may fight the situation and don't want to contact us.  Right now...I'm not sure what I want to have happen...  I am praying that God opens the door if it is His will, and keeps it closed if that is His will.  I will say that the things that have been His will for me to experience this week have been plenty hard to stomach already and yet I am very astutely aware they they pale violently in comparison to the many, many struggles that I know my friends are dealing with regarding their children at this time.

Also, interestingly, we had until now felt perfectly content to be "done" with 6.  But we have prayed for this child for 3 years, ever since we had been told we would get him/her at birth.  I don't know why but we had always referred to her as "her."  We "knew" she was a girl.  We had waited for 2.5 years holding on to our foster license "in case" she came into the system, finally releasing it in April of this year.  Wanting to adopt again only if one of our children's siblings were in the system for adoption.  After all...EIGHT children!  All the more ironic how hard this week has been!

It makes me feel like a whimp to not be able to get a handle on this.  So,
I refuse to pick up another fiction book...at least for awhile.
I will force myself to deal with this head on.
I will delight in the many, many blessings that I have.
I will cling to my sovereign God and try to stay vulnerable for Him to stretch and grow me to be more like Him.

If anyone asks me how I am doing, like several have done this week, I will say that I am fine.  I have no right to say anything else.  As a sinner I am already blessed beyond anything I deserve because Christ loves me and died for me...and I am so glad that He loves those girls more than I ever possibly can and He will orchestrate the paths of their lives perfectly in His will and power.

Devastated:(

In researching the whereabouts of Superman and Faith's mom yesterday I emailed their old HHS caseworker in hopes that there was an off hand chance she may know about the 3 year old sibling and if s/he was safe.  You may recall that the day we adopted Superman and Faith we found out that their mother was due to have another child in 2 weeks.  We were told we would have that child.  We waited...then found out she fled the state to avoid losing the child.  We were sad but waited to see if she would ever return to the state and have HHS involvement.  We finally let our foster care license go 6 months ago having lost hope of getting that child...

This morning we found out that they have a sister who turned 3 this month...

and a sister who is 15 months...

both in our state...

both in state custody in foster homes.

both being adopted...

not by us...

we were never told...

we are devastated.

We feel totally kicked in the gut about this.  We are in disbelief.  We are numb.  Siblings are SUPPOSED to be kept together!  Apparently when the kids came into the system, because rights to Superman and Faith were terminated, the state did not have to prove the mother was unfit so the kids went right to an adoption worker and never entered "the system" that would have flagged us as having the older kids.  Ummmm...if they knew that there were other kids terminated on then why didn't they look for those kids' placements?!?!?!

The worker (who is wonderful and this is in no way her fault) is trying to get us in contact with the other foster parents so at least Superman and Faith can have contact with the kids and get to know them.  I am so incredibly sad that Superman and Faith will not get to grow up WITH their siblings!!  I know that JJ has at least 5 siblings out there "somewhere."  Grace has I think 6 or 7 siblings out there "somewhere."  Superman and Faith were the oldest and we were led to believe that we would get to raise any other younger siblings placed in foster care.  They have had SOO much loss already...then this.  I am downright frustrated.

I know that the system is not perfect at all.  But I also know that God has supreme authority over the system.  He knew when these kids got placed that they were not in our home...I am trying really, really hard to submit my emotions to this logic...this truth.  But in reality I just want to sit and cry and be frustrated.

I am trying to use logic:
Maybe if we would have gotten the girls somehow their mother would have found Superman and Faith.

Maybe if we would have gotten the girls they would have somehow been removed to another bio family member and Superman and Faith would have been devastated by being "left."

Maybe something else bad that I can't think of would have happened.

We "should" be happy that we even get to find out about the sisters and possibly have a relationship with them...right?

But it still hurts...

One very big truth remains that gives me some solace...if we would have had the 3 year old girl placed with us in November 2009...we would never have adopted JJ in August 2008.  I cannot imagine life without our precious son!!!

So...trying to submit my will to God's will...
Trying to trust His sovereignty and perfect, unerring plans for ALL life...
Trying to give him my grief and thank Him for the many blessings that I do have and so desperately do not deserve.
Trying to be thankful that each of our children get to grow up with 5 siblings, not trying to minimize this blessing!
Trying to also consider that maybe God knew that in this season of life...be content with 6 arrows in our quiver...

But it hurts...a lot...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_RN3nZMSJE

Trying to focus on the truths of this song and keep my eyes on Him as I grieve...

An Adoptive Mom's Reflection on, "Mommy"

This morning as I was walking with JJ to church he was repeating "mommy, mommy" in a precious sing song voice.  He was savoring the word.  He was enjoying that he was with me...his Mommy.  I hear JJ say "mommy" quite a bit if time.  He is a very clingy child and wants to be with me the vast majority of the time.  But, this morning his delighting in saying "Mommy" was different...and set me to reflecting.  The music and sermon in church kept my thoughts spinning and as I wept through much of church I thought about what mommy and Mommy have meant to me.  Perhaps it was because 10 years ago this month is when my husband and I started this adoption journey.  Perhaps it was because today is National Adoption Day.  Perhaps God is just once again taking my heart deeper into an understanding of Him.

When our biological children were born we were so excited to watch them grow and to say Mommy and Daddy.  It was special.  It was precious.  It was how it was "supposed to be." We took it for granted.  We raise and care for and love them.  They call us Mommy and Daddy as a reflection of loving, trusting, and having a unique relationship with us too.  That is what "Mommy" and "Daddy" means, right?  After all, with these children there was just a oneness.  They came from my body.  We cuddled, loved, sacrificed, and breathed these children.  They were an extension of US!  They never knew that they were separate!  We have always been ONE!

Then came Grace.  Grace came to us at 4 months old.  We went through the entire foster care process of reunification efforts with her biological parents.  It was a heart breaking time for us.  Right or wrong we kept our hearts guarded for the real probability that she would not be forever "ours."  She began to talk early (boy oh boy is she a talker!!).  When her bio dad would take her on visits he would have her call whatever girlfriend that he had at the time, "mommy."  It broke me heart.  I wish so passionately that we would have had that time from when she was 4 months be just our bonding time.  I know that "things" with her would have been different, they would be better today.  But, that was not the plan for her life.  She was grafted in, she who had not been ONE with us since the beginning having to grow into being "us."

When Grace was 25 months, 4 days before her Adoption Finalization, Superman and Faith came.  They were 23 and 36 months old.  They had been in various placements for 23 months.  They had  had various caregivers.  The first weekend that we had them (one week before they came to us permanently) they came to us willingly and called us "mommy" and "daddy."  That is not to say that they were not hesitant and fearful, but they called us "mommy" and "daddy." 

"mommy" and "daddy" mean something totally different to a child who has been bounced around.  It is simply the generic term for female and male caregiver.  It does not have the attachment, the emotion behind it that we get so excited for, as parents, when we hear "Mommy" and "Daddy."  I do not know how long it took for their "mommy" and "daddy" to mean "Mommy" and "Daddy" but I think that now, 4 1/2 years later, we are there...at least much of the time.  Yet, attachment issues linger.  Bonding issues linger.  Trust issues linger.  Total "belongingness" issues linger.  I wish we would have had them since birth...but that was not the plan for their life.  They too have had to be grafted in, they are having to work on being "us."

Then came JJ.  When we knew God was leading us to adopt again I could not bear the heart ache of the foster care system again.  I could not bear the process of another failed international adoption (or 4).  I wanted a baby.  I wanted a baby that when we adopted (what we thought was going to be a girl lol!) that s/he would be "ours."  A baby that we could bond with right away without the fear of losing him/her.  Without the emotional pain of dealing with the baggage of a child's pain from a "previous" life (boy were we in for much education that even adopting at birth a child brings plenty of "baggage!").  God was so good to lead us to an agency in Utah where the mother's relinquishment when the child is 24 hours old is FINAL.  Where birth fathers cannot come in and claim the child unless they can PROVE they were financially and emotionally supporting the mother during the pregnancy.  Many people complain about the Utah laws.  We do not.

I watched JJ be born.  I watched the heartache of his birth mom as she bore him and stared at him for 44 hours being courageous in her decision that my husband and I, virtual strangers, would  raise her son up the way that she wanted her son to be raised.  I heard her sweet words "this is your son" and watched her tears as she stood resolved in her decision.

Watched as Birth Mommy handed over the role "Mommy" to Forever Mommy.

When JJ was singing "Mommy" this morning, it was a reminder of how precious the gift of being known as "Mommy" is.  JJ clings to me.  He sees himself as an extension of me.  He knows that he can count on me.  He knows that I give him comfort, safety, enjoyment, consistency.  When I am not giving him what he wants he impatiently petitions my attentiveness.  He is not soothed by counterfeits.  He wants me.  Case closed.

But then, God opened that box a little bigger for me.

God wants to be my God, not my god.

Until I was saved, I thought of Him as my god.  I didn't really know who He was, what He was about, the depth of what He has done for me and mankind, the majesty of His creation and plan.  I hear so many people call on "god" in times of trouble, treating Him like a vending machine or "get out of trouble free" card.  I think of my own heartache when I am being "mommy" and not "Mommy."  What must a holy, mighty, awesome, majestic, omnipresent, omnipotent, loving, sacrificial, gracious, merciful, patient, kind God think when He, the Creator and giver of EVERYTHING is thought of as "god?"

Even after I KNOW who God is, I still demote Him to "god."  Today's lesson from Him was a good one for me.  A 2 year old knows that I am his Mommy.  Middles with more baggage have a hard time trusting me as Mommy.  Teenagers who have always had me, take for granted I am Mom and felt neglected when the last 4 kids came, thus demoting me to mom.  My heartbreak over these things as a very inept, incapable, inside the box, impatient, selfish, unmerciful, losing focus of the main thing  Mom (mom?) is nothing in comparison to what a pure and holy God has a right to feel as He looks at me and my choices.

Yet...He gives me grace and guides me back to Him, to Him as my God. I am undeserving.

I pray that I would always KNOW that He is my God, just as my 2 year old KNOWS that I am his Mommy! That, just like JJ, I would cling to God.  I would see myself as an extension of Him.  I would know that I know that I know I can count on Him.  That I would be confident that He will give me comfort, safety, joy, and consistency.  That I would impatiently petition His attentiveness (or more accurately that I would not turn from His attentiveness).  That I would NOT be soothed by or turn to counterfeits and demote Him to "god" again...