An Adoptive Mom's Reflection on, "Mommy"

This morning as I was walking with JJ to church he was repeating "mommy, mommy" in a precious sing song voice.  He was savoring the word.  He was enjoying that he was with me...his Mommy.  I hear JJ say "mommy" quite a bit if time.  He is a very clingy child and wants to be with me the vast majority of the time.  But, this morning his delighting in saying "Mommy" was different...and set me to reflecting.  The music and sermon in church kept my thoughts spinning and as I wept through much of church I thought about what mommy and Mommy have meant to me.  Perhaps it was because 10 years ago this month is when my husband and I started this adoption journey.  Perhaps it was because today is National Adoption Day.  Perhaps God is just once again taking my heart deeper into an understanding of Him.

When our biological children were born we were so excited to watch them grow and to say Mommy and Daddy.  It was special.  It was precious.  It was how it was "supposed to be." We took it for granted.  We raise and care for and love them.  They call us Mommy and Daddy as a reflection of loving, trusting, and having a unique relationship with us too.  That is what "Mommy" and "Daddy" means, right?  After all, with these children there was just a oneness.  They came from my body.  We cuddled, loved, sacrificed, and breathed these children.  They were an extension of US!  They never knew that they were separate!  We have always been ONE!

Then came Grace.  Grace came to us at 4 months old.  We went through the entire foster care process of reunification efforts with her biological parents.  It was a heart breaking time for us.  Right or wrong we kept our hearts guarded for the real probability that she would not be forever "ours."  She began to talk early (boy oh boy is she a talker!!).  When her bio dad would take her on visits he would have her call whatever girlfriend that he had at the time, "mommy."  It broke me heart.  I wish so passionately that we would have had that time from when she was 4 months be just our bonding time.  I know that "things" with her would have been different, they would be better today.  But, that was not the plan for her life.  She was grafted in, she who had not been ONE with us since the beginning having to grow into being "us."

When Grace was 25 months, 4 days before her Adoption Finalization, Superman and Faith came.  They were 23 and 36 months old.  They had been in various placements for 23 months.  They had  had various caregivers.  The first weekend that we had them (one week before they came to us permanently) they came to us willingly and called us "mommy" and "daddy."  That is not to say that they were not hesitant and fearful, but they called us "mommy" and "daddy." 

"mommy" and "daddy" mean something totally different to a child who has been bounced around.  It is simply the generic term for female and male caregiver.  It does not have the attachment, the emotion behind it that we get so excited for, as parents, when we hear "Mommy" and "Daddy."  I do not know how long it took for their "mommy" and "daddy" to mean "Mommy" and "Daddy" but I think that now, 4 1/2 years later, we are there...at least much of the time.  Yet, attachment issues linger.  Bonding issues linger.  Trust issues linger.  Total "belongingness" issues linger.  I wish we would have had them since birth...but that was not the plan for their life.  They too have had to be grafted in, they are having to work on being "us."

Then came JJ.  When we knew God was leading us to adopt again I could not bear the heart ache of the foster care system again.  I could not bear the process of another failed international adoption (or 4).  I wanted a baby.  I wanted a baby that when we adopted (what we thought was going to be a girl lol!) that s/he would be "ours."  A baby that we could bond with right away without the fear of losing him/her.  Without the emotional pain of dealing with the baggage of a child's pain from a "previous" life (boy were we in for much education that even adopting at birth a child brings plenty of "baggage!").  God was so good to lead us to an agency in Utah where the mother's relinquishment when the child is 24 hours old is FINAL.  Where birth fathers cannot come in and claim the child unless they can PROVE they were financially and emotionally supporting the mother during the pregnancy.  Many people complain about the Utah laws.  We do not.

I watched JJ be born.  I watched the heartache of his birth mom as she bore him and stared at him for 44 hours being courageous in her decision that my husband and I, virtual strangers, would  raise her son up the way that she wanted her son to be raised.  I heard her sweet words "this is your son" and watched her tears as she stood resolved in her decision.

Watched as Birth Mommy handed over the role "Mommy" to Forever Mommy.

When JJ was singing "Mommy" this morning, it was a reminder of how precious the gift of being known as "Mommy" is.  JJ clings to me.  He sees himself as an extension of me.  He knows that he can count on me.  He knows that I give him comfort, safety, enjoyment, consistency.  When I am not giving him what he wants he impatiently petitions my attentiveness.  He is not soothed by counterfeits.  He wants me.  Case closed.

But then, God opened that box a little bigger for me.

God wants to be my God, not my god.

Until I was saved, I thought of Him as my god.  I didn't really know who He was, what He was about, the depth of what He has done for me and mankind, the majesty of His creation and plan.  I hear so many people call on "god" in times of trouble, treating Him like a vending machine or "get out of trouble free" card.  I think of my own heartache when I am being "mommy" and not "Mommy."  What must a holy, mighty, awesome, majestic, omnipresent, omnipotent, loving, sacrificial, gracious, merciful, patient, kind God think when He, the Creator and giver of EVERYTHING is thought of as "god?"

Even after I KNOW who God is, I still demote Him to "god."  Today's lesson from Him was a good one for me.  A 2 year old knows that I am his Mommy.  Middles with more baggage have a hard time trusting me as Mommy.  Teenagers who have always had me, take for granted I am Mom and felt neglected when the last 4 kids came, thus demoting me to mom.  My heartbreak over these things as a very inept, incapable, inside the box, impatient, selfish, unmerciful, losing focus of the main thing  Mom (mom?) is nothing in comparison to what a pure and holy God has a right to feel as He looks at me and my choices.

Yet...He gives me grace and guides me back to Him, to Him as my God. I am undeserving.

I pray that I would always KNOW that He is my God, just as my 2 year old KNOWS that I am his Mommy! That, just like JJ, I would cling to God.  I would see myself as an extension of Him.  I would know that I know that I know I can count on Him.  That I would be confident that He will give me comfort, safety, joy, and consistency.  That I would impatiently petition His attentiveness (or more accurately that I would not turn from His attentiveness).  That I would NOT be soothed by or turn to counterfeits and demote Him to "god" again...