One Of Those Sermons That is Written for Me

Have you ever gone to church and felt that the service was designed with you in mind?  That was my experience today.

This morning started out very poorly when I ended up in a very ugly confrontation with Grace.  Mornings and bedtime are her worst time of day due to medication not being in her system.  This morning was terrible.  I am trying to think through all of the "whys" this morning was worse than usual.  It is always worse when we are on a time schedule.  Usually when she acts the way she did this morning I would have just kept my mouth shut, taken her food and put it in her bedroom where she was need to eat alone and not come out until she was calm.  But, it is Sunday and I have to teach Sunday School so that wasn't an option.  Thus, I did the absolutely wrong thing...I engaged in her argument with her.  Arguing with Grace is like arguing with Hitler.  There is just no way possible that any logic or any positive is going to come out of it.  But foolishly I did it anyway.  I got myself so worked up I was ready to make phone calls to have her placed elsewhere.

Thus, by the time Sunday School was to start she was in her room, my husband was left home to supervise her, and I was off to teach 4/5 year old Sunday School by myself (normally my husband helps me teach).  And I was not in any frame of mind to teach Sunday School.

I taught Sunday School and felt like I got the material covered well.  However, there is a difference between teaching material and teaching in the Spirit.  The latter was not happening.

So, by the time I got to the church service I was even more angry.  I was upset with Grace for her behavior.  I was upset with myself that I allowed her to bait me, again. I was feeling worthless as a Sunday School teacher and struggling with the decision if I should even continue to try to teach or not.  That warring with my reality that if I don't teach JJ won't attend.  Essentially I was feeling utterly hopeless, helpless, and angry.

In church I have to sit next to Grace and put her on the end of a pew so that she cannot disturb the other kids.  This is also the same reason that we have put a small table at the end of our table at home and moved her to that table - so she cannot physically disturb anyone else at the table.  However...that does not stop her from running her mouth, which is what happened this morning.

Anyway...

I was sitting next to her and just being near her was making me angry.  

Then the service started.  Our Associate Pastor ( the one who worked with Beautiful and her husband for the pre-marital counseling and was supposed to officiate their wedding but was diagnosed with a brain cyst less than a week before the wedding and had to have brain surgery) was back in church for the first time and talked a little about his journey and continued needs.  They continue to have a long journey ahead of them.  They talked about the power of prayer for how far he has come.  Then another man stood and gave his testimony of a serious medical issue that was healed with no outside intervention.  Again, the testimony was about the power of prayer.  

I was deeply affected by it.  I realized that I am so hopeless about Grace that I have given up praying about her.

Then, the sermon was about Genesis 16 where Abram and Sarai are given a promise for descendants, but they get impatient when they feel that God isn't working so they try to meet that promise in their own way.  

God spoke to me in a lot of ways and reminders.  I was reminded of the time right before we adopted Grace when I was sharing my fears with the then Associate Pastor and asked him "what if we adopt and the child turns out to be the anti-christ?"  His response was essentially, "God is Sovereign.  If that is what He has planned what can you do about it?"  He challenged me about the role of suffering in our lives and we are not meant to have life be easy.  He is powerful over all, Sovereign over all, and is always good.  The message I took from it was 1) obey God when He calls and 2) don't expect it to be easy.

Boy, isn't that the truth...

God also pierced my heart with the reminder that I have given up hope in what I think the outcome should be.  I need to keep my hope in His outcome even though it clearly differs from what I think the ideal is.  I need to obediently walk whatever path He has for me and quit thinking that I know what the end of that path looks like.  Abram, when given the promise of countless descendants, seems to have thought it meant he would have many children.  Thus, he engaged in behavior to further that goal rather than God's goal.  I was reminded of the many, many examples God gives us in His Word that people thought God meant one thing and responded wrong out of that false expectation...and how often I do the same thing.

I cried a lot during the service.  It was emotional for me but cathartic.  I have given up hope.  I have given up praying for the situation with her.  I came to realize that I have stopped praying because, quite frankly, I don't even know what to pray for.  Do I pray for her to be healed?  That may not be God's plan.  Do I pray for me to be able to endure raising her without the anger I felt today?  I don't know that is the best either as I find myself pulling my heart back from her in the attempt to not be so hurt with her words and actions.  Probably I should be praying for God to give me eyes to see her the way He sees her, hands to love her the way He wants her to be loved, a heart to adore her the way He adores her, and words that speak love to her the way He would speak to her.  

I am vulnerably asking you to help me by praying for me that way too.  I can't do this without others praying for me.  I will do another post about the power of your prayers regarding my mother in law situation and the wedding through the months of July and up until the August wedding.  I KNOW that your prayers got us through that.  Please pray for me in this too.

I am afraid.  I am so afraid of her future.  I cannot begin to tell you how terrible things get here.  She does not act like this for others.  Those who know her would not believe me.  But those of you who have adopted kids with attachment and neurological compromises do understand.  These kiddos are totally different at home than with others.  It gives me good insight for my profession, but I am ready to know it and move on!

Once God clicked that worldview back into perspective my anger with her dissipated and my anger with myself increased.  She cannot help it.  She is a sinner.  She is neurologically compromised.  And she has a mother who is also a sinner with extraordinarily high unrealistic expectations.

Then I started to think of reality.  The reality is that she is difficult.  Very difficult.  To leave the house with her results in huge amounts of anxiety for me that probably exacerbates situations.  There is no way that anyone should engage with her for the first hour in the morning before her ADHD meds have taken effect.  Also, anytime after 6 p.m. is a gamble on how she may respond.

Today we are supposed to attend the home school kick off picnic.  I long to see other like minded parents.  I long for our kids to get to play with other kids and laugh and engage.  But...I have little hope that it will turn out well.  I am always so afraid of being in the van with her.  In the van we cannot get away from her.  Her venomous words when she is angry, tired, and the meds are out of her system are not for the feint of heart.  She just does not stop the words no matter what consequences you inform her will incur if she continues.  I have many times thought I would have a heart attack while listening to her talk to me just from my physiological response to her words.  At home we can just put her in her room and go to the living room and turn up the TV so we cannot hear the words.  In the van that is not an option and everyone is affected by it.  Usually JJ will get so worked up by her words that he starts to scream, then hits and kicks me from his car seat.  It is just so ugly.  I am  scared to go anywhere with her.  I never know how it will go.  She is teaching JJ terrible things, and he does them in public so then people think that he is the one with the problem (not saying that he doesn't have impulsive control/anger control issues too).  Her influence is just.so.ugly.

But, when she is on the meds and not angry she is the sweetest, most compassionate, loving, thoughtful, caring, helpful, precious child ever.  Then I feel terrible about the consequences that I have to follow through on from her behavior when I honestly don't believe she was capable of rational thought.  For example, for her behavior this morning we informed her that she will have to stay home and not attend the picnic.  But, that means that someone has to stay home with her.  Buddy would love to get out of a social event...but that isn't good for him either.  The kid is a hermit and we need to stretch his comfort zone.  Do I stay home?  Then I know my husband would be extremely stressed to have the other children by himself.  Does my husband stay home?  Then I would be hugely stressed to have the other kids by myself lol!  Do we just take her and keep her close to us the whole time?  Most of the time I don't know what the "right" answer is with dealing with her.  

I was convicted about that in the sermon too when the pastor talked about "Man's Folly: We tend to seek God's blessing apart of God's means, or we tend to use human effort to receive God's blessings."  I keep trying to fix Grace via "tools" that are not well backed in prayer.  I know that only He can change her heart and that is what is required...but again, I have given up.

Thus, we usually just don't go out with others at all.  Which means that we isolate.  Which means that the kids don't get to have friend contact.  Which means that my husband and I don't get to have friend support.  But, if we go out and the kids act up we certainly aren't enjoying ourselves and the people around us certainly don't want that behavior around them either!

Anyway, I am now rambling.  I don't know the answers.  I know I need prayer.  I know I hate being vulnerable and asking for help but that is part of the problem.  I know I need to be praying more diligently and specifically.  

I am so thankful that today, a day when I was so upset I would have liked to have just skipped out on church all together but attended because I had to, God forcefully met me right there.  What a tangible reminder of His presence, His faithfulness, His power, His sovereignty, His compassion, His grace, His mercy, His love, and His perfect timing:)

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Well, we went to the picnic.  All 7 of us.  Grace was read the riot act about the expectations for her behavior and attitude.  She was informed that if she gave any argument or disobedience at all we would all be in the van heading home - no 2nd chances.  She did well.  As soon as we got in the van to come home she started up.  I had planned ahead in my fear of her behavior and had brought her bedtime medications - including her sleeping pills.  I had her take them right away when we got in the van and she was sleeping in 10 minutes.  We kept her near us at all times.  She did well and was allowed more than the arms reach that was initially discussed as she ran around within our view with the other kids.   I need to remind myself that this outing went ok.  I need to remember some of the reasons it went ok (although that doesn't guarantee that it will work next time).  The best part about it was getting to see friends.  A dear friend and prayer warrior of ours who has a special love for Grace was there and I got to be real and vulnerable with her.  She listened.  She promised to pray.

It was a good decision for us all to go:)

Please pray for us.  If you would like to be a more specific prayer warrior for me please let me know privately and I can share more with you.  I would also be honored to get to pray for you too:)